Working in China Month 8: April 2015

April 2015

April 2

I think I might finally be better.  Sickness has taken its toll on me.  A bit worn down, frustrated, and sleepy.  So, normal here.  My best friend has broached the possibility of coming to visit me here in China and, with the cancellation of another friend's trip, I'd be lying if I wasn't a tad excited.  I really miss home and my friends.

I keep going, one way or another so April probably won't be any different.  I've got a decent amount of work to do and things that need to be taken care of, but I survive.  Hopefully will increase my energy level with the suggestions of my doctor.

April 5

It's tomb sweeping day!  And I just went through utter hell!  For a holiday, the grocery stores were as empty as I've ever seen them...and good god, they were STILL awful.  So many people, so little space, and STILL no one seems to give a shit.  Far be it for any of the staff to do a price check or help their customers.  That's the thing about China that may surprise people...or not...customer service is friggin a joke.  No one gives a flying crap about making the customer happy unless they have a 1 to 1 business relationship or friendship with them.  Barely any courtesy and no one is willing to step up to do their job, much of the time.  I wanted to buy an onion which was basically 10 cents.  I had to get it weighed by someone in produce, they put a bad label on it, I took it to the front, the label ripped, the guy running the register shrugs and says nope.  No checking, no nothing, I can either go out of line, which I did, or I can't buy it.  God forbid anyone make it easy for the PAYING customer.

This is the real reason I don't cook in China.  Yeah, time is an issue.  I have no time at all to myself for cooking.  But the shopping for groceries is so hellish it's easier to just buy food already made and not waste my time, energy, and money.

Only good thing about today is getting to eat Ajisen ramen, which is awesome food.  It reminds me of Japan and how much I miss it.

China still has not convinced me to stay longer than my original contract.

April 11

Words alone cannot convey the pure, unbridled fury I feel every time my internet stutters here, because I know it's because of the goddamn great fire wall.  Being forced to use a VPN with sub par service, having to give up online gaming, forcing my way through each search engine and download...I HATE this country's internet.

I am not a happy camper.

April 13

Sore after a day of Ballet.  It's going to be a routine for me, or I'll try to make it one, to help get me more exercise.  Plus, the teacher is a friend and I'm supporting her.

One thing this trip has given me is a newfound appreciation for my status as an American and all the freedoms I enjoy.  You would think the rest of the world was up to speed and god damned civilized by now.

You would be wrong.  While Gay marriage is, as of this writing, only illegal in a few states in the US, it is a full on crime here in China.  China practices tons of open censorship, to the point where it will threaten news outlets if they do not censor enough.  China's great firewall is a constant reminder of the messed up nature of free speech here and how absolutely irritating it is.  Cheap costs be damned, the speeds here can be of dial-up levels.

My country is run by idiots and stupid people but at least we can do what we want without too many worries most of the time.

April 14

My left eye is killing me.  This led me to a day of mild panic, wondering if my old friend mister irritis had come back, for those unaware the irritation of the eye to such a degree that it turns red.  So far, guesses are that it's not.  I seem to have a swollen eye lid and that is about it.

Sigh...can't go more than two damn weeks without SOMETHING, can I?  I keep getting kicked in the family jewels by this country and its damn plagues.  More medicine costs.  I got an eye drop and a cream for my eyelid.  The eye drop cap withstood five people trying to open it, me trying to use my teeth like a screw driver, and an industrial strength paper chopper before I managed to saw through it and get at my damn medicine.

The hell?!

This is going to be another tough weekend...

April 16

Team building...Ugh...I'm not against team building activities.  Usually I like them.  Plus, it got me a day off from work to be at the Summer Palace, my favorite place in China.  Still, we had the entire staff here for my school, which ranks in the dozens.  It's easy to get lost in the melee of voices and personalities and just want to be alone for this.

It was also a potluck, so me having no time to cook or get anything ready that would keep, I had to get up extra early to go and buy supplies.  Big bummer and very exhausting.  Still, the quiet moments at the Summer Palace do kinda make it all worth while.  I stared out at the lake in the palace and thought about my game Sunless Sea and how much I miss the ocean.  I thought about romance, tranquility, and a desire I had to be one with the water and live near the shore and be part of the entirety of creation.

Thankfully, the team building ended a bit early and gave us all time to do some sight seeing.  I became a makeshift guide for some of my co-workers and led them up the mountain the Buddhist temple of the palace was built into.

Rather than parting ways at the exit, myself and two others stayed together.  We at first agreed to wait together for the boyfriend of one, but when he arrived and we all got to talking, we decided to get a taxi together and have a meal.

It was such a charming end to the evening.  My co-workers were nice, the boyfriend spoke Japanese and I got in some practice, and we had some really good noodles, meat, and veggies.  I stuffed myself and felt good about it, all the while getting home early.

Still, the subway was utter flipping hell.  How does Japan get it so right and China get it so wrong?  I don't even...

So tired, but at least this was a good day for a change.  Now, back to the salt mines, as they say.

Should also probably mention that I was stuck humming oldies all day.  Alongside the tranquility, the Summer Palace reminded me of both my home in Japan and my home in the States, where my dad is.  I would like to go cruising with him, just listening to some of those old tunes I grew up with, like days gone by.

Well, there's always youtube.

April 17

I hate fridays.  I work late, I feel exhausted, I get up early the next day, and I have to ride the hellish line 5...still, tonight is something special.

I helped contribute to a movie a long while back with the purchase of a zentai suit for a costume.  That movie released yesterday and I got a chance to see it tonight for the first time.  It was in honor of the great Justin Carmical, better known to many as Jewwario.  The man was absolutely amazing, helping me and countless others to play import games with little to know Japanese experience.  It was a farewell to the man and an honoring of his character and all that he stood for.  My contribution went to making Justin's alter-ego, the Famikamen Rider.  While the movie had some hiccups in pacing and storytelling, I still loved it.  Good action and the tribute to Justin was amazing.

It makes my night good, but I have so many feelings and I have no idea what to do with them.  I miss the man so much.  He passed too soon.

April 19

Finished with a ballet class and tired.  Long work schedule and tired.  Lots to do coming up and tired.  I feel tired and angry and sad.  I think I may have hit my third bout of culture fatigue, but maybe it's really life fatigue.  I feel so burnt out from everything.

I am tired.  Tired of trying to always be the one to keep up with people.  I always try to be the one to initiate contact with most of my friends, save for a rare few.  Save for those, no one bothers to contact me...and it wears me down.  Why do I have to do it?!  I know why, because if I don't, no one will...but why...why is it so damn hard to catch people?  Why is it so damn hard to give me five minutes so that we can talk about life or what's been going on with you?  Why is it so damn hard?!

I don't know the answer.  I asked the same question back when I was in love and got stark, unending silence followed by abandonment.  These feelings of mine, I know are selfishness.  I know this.  We all have our crosses to bear and sometimes even five minutes isn't enough time for ourselves, much less people who may need us.  To judge others by your own standard is wrong and I actively try not to do it.  I'm just burnt out.  Burnt out from this country and feeling cut off from everyone but my parents who, god bless them, make a POINT of being on skype every week to talk to me.

After work, I feel very much alone and I don't have the time to decompress with games like I used to...I don't have the time to process and handle these feelings.  I know that I shouldn't go out and accuse people and I won't but I just want to say hello...why is it so hard to say hello back?

Some people are content to cut people out of their lives.  Content to decide that it's not worth the effort.  God, how I wish I were one of those people sometimes.  I don't do that.  Because I KNOW what it feels like.  That abject, callous abandonment.  So I cling to people...whether they know it or not, I think they need me there...not there with them, but existing.  Perhaps it's only delusion, but that's the path I've chosen.  I don't abandon others and I have to be the one to reach out and it exhausts me.  I think it may slowly kill me.  But what else can I do?  Become another callous ass who doesn't value the friends and the people he's met?  I don't have it in me.

Anyway, these emotions too shall pass.  In time.  For now, I am hurting and in pain.  Someday, I won't be.  Until then, I continue living...for myself and for others.

April 22

I've been thinking a lot about my own eventual death, lately.  Please, don't look so surprised.  Do we not all think on our mortality from time to time?  I think on outrageous fantasies, where I do as I always have.  I take the role of the sentinel and save others from dangers.  Man made.  Alien.  Mystical.  It matters little.  However, I've noticed a strange trend, based on my moods.  When I am in a good mood, I survive the battle and the story in my mind's eye continues.  When my mood is middling, I perish.  But my death is a good one.  I am satisfied in protecting others and go out with honor and dignity.  When I am at my lowest, my death means nothing to anyone.  I do as I have always done, but despair takes me as I pass.  Despair of realizing how unloved I was or how unwanted I was.  None of these things are true, I believe, but the dreams in our heads are a reflection for our souls and our hearts.  It is...a strange truth.  I have been at my lowest and my faith in humanity wavers.  My father told me I need to rely only on the face in the mirror.  And so, I believe that is true.  But to be jaded is a hard thing for someone who likes to help and protect.  It is a sign that I have much to do, still.  I understand perfectly why I feel the way I do, yet as of this moment, I can only cope.  I cannot completely banish the thoughts from my mind.  I endeavor in this way, however, to not hurt others.  When emotions are high it is easy to be selfish.  Though I may be foolish at times, I am not selfish.  Or, I try not to be.

I hurt a friend today...or should I say annoyed?  It is hard to tell.  I sought comfort, not really an understanding but too often friends think that they can help you by rationalizing your feelings.  Not always the best choice.  I understand why I am miserable.  What I need is not to hear what I know, but for someone to listen and tell me of their own life, so that I might gain valuable perspective.  My friend became annoyed with me for claiming understanding, yet still lamenting my imagined woes.  I know they are imagined, yet even when we understand, sometimes we still wish to lament, so that those emotions are not trapped within us.  This can wear on even the most stalwart of people.  I fear we became snippy with each other, though I did my best to watch my words.  It is ironic then, that an errant comment poorly thought out would lead to someone finally ending our discussion, annoyed and tired.  My friend and I will be fine, I feel certain, but this is an interesting metaphor for my own feelings.  Feeling cut off and when reaching out having difficulty making others understand my feelings or what I need.  Life is a frustrating time.

I have finished the initial copy of my book.  Though much revision lays ahead, I will surely complete it, as I completed this story.  Sadly, there is not much market or care for my book, as few have read and fewer still have commented on it.  I have little feedback and the few who promise to help never follow through.  It is an unfortunate state, but I never wrote because I thought I would be rich.  I did it because I like telling stories.  In a way, I feel it helps me cope in times like this.  Hence why I am writing now.

Life continues and I saw my family on skype.  I am miserable, but I told them not to worry because I continue on.  I do not give up and I do not die, no matter how great the desire might become.  I am needed and I cannot put such a burden on those I love.

So, I keep going.  I cope as best I can.  And I try to create something of value along the way.

April 25

Oh, China, how do I hate thee, let me count the ways...this day has been god awful and pretty much incapsulates why I don't wanna stay here.  Constant internet crashes, my office computers are dinosaurs and THREE of them are dead, waiting repairs, while the IT guys have the day off, the air conditioner DOES NOT WORK AT ALL ON A 100 DEGREE DAY, WHEN I AM IN A SUIT, I did ballet, got off at the wrong stop, and on the blasted subway map, they say line 15 goes to line 5...except that's "to be added later."  If it is on the damn map, YOU STOP AT THE DAMN SUBWAY STOP!  So, I had to take a taxi home and arrived a full hour late.

I am tired, cranky, and still two days from my weekend.  I hate this place with every fiber of my being.  When people ask why I don't wanna stay in China, please see this entry in my story.

April 27

I really hate this city.  A/C is still busted at work and I'm sweating to death, nearly suffering heat stroke, with worthless friggin computers, which will soon be upgraded with a far more obnoxious, frustrating lesson planning software and to top it all off, China either has an attack with its internet cannon or someone screws with the facebook DNS settings and inadvertently sets off a virus scare throughout the country.

I managed to sidestep the virus because I do not trust Chinese internet ONE DAMN BIT, but everyone who didn't use a VPN?  Got a nasty scare that they were dealing with a software redirect virus that would lock them out of foreign websites.  It's not ACTUALLY a virus as I understand it, just another annoying piece of idiocy spawned from the xenophobia of the Chinese government.  Ugh...I spent a good two hours trying to help a friend only for my phone to run out of money and no one in this DAMNABLE ACCURSED CITY to have a phone card which I could use to reload my minutes.

I cannot even begin to talk about how much I hate living here.  My apartment is an island in a storm.  It is MY island in the storm.

 

Working in China Month 7: March 2015

Sorry if I'm not as on the ball with these as I used to be.  Gone through a lot of stress lately, but I'll still try and get them out weekly.

March 2015

March 3

I have found myself at a crossroads between interest and work.  I have found myself struggling with life.  My interests, such as some of my fandoms, have made me feel things.  Some good, some bad.  It is hard to keep that separate from work, but I manage.  The toll has been heavy though.  My body and my spirit are both weary.  Yet, the work continues to pile up, both at the school and at home.  On my day off, I had to spend much of my day in search of gifts.  Obligation and responsibility you understand.  I had a decent enough time perusing the international book store again, however I would have done so even if it meant exhaustion.  I have recognized I am a man who identifies with duty and it gives me purpose.

If nothing else, it keeps me from thinking too much about my problems or my wayward emotions.  I have been despondent of late.  Feeling lonely and loveless.  Memories of failed romance crop up at the most inopportune times and the situation I am in feels much harder because of it.  Frustration is common now.  I have kept myself going in school and done a decent enough job with my work.  Normalcy after the long holiday of spring festival would be welcome, but it is still a struggle, with student numbers fluctuating wildly and me having to adapt as the situations change.

Gaming helps with the void I have started to feel, as do my fandoms, though I find myself longing for the sweet cocoon I left behind in the States.  For my old apartment and the sweet ignorance or oblivion it would give to me.  Those times are gone.  They won't come back.  I know this.  So, that makes the struggle even harder at times.

The news is not all bad.  Despite my struggles, I have saved a prodigious amount of money.  Much of it will go to paying my rent, as I have done today, or to my parents in repayment of debts owed, which will come soon.

Speaking of my parents, I will see them shortly.  They arrive in Beijing on the 6th and I will see them on the 7th if all goes well.  I hope to show them a good time.  Despite my struggles and my annoyances with China, for visitors it can be quite fun.  There are great sights to see, interesting food to taste, and I can give them a view of the better parts of my life.  Though I sound despondent, there are good spots in my co-workers and in the food, though I daresay at this point I yearn for home.  Either way, we will see what happens.

When they depart, I will be halfway through with my contract.  Home is 6 months away.  I have debated looking for love here, but it is not to be.  I will not indulge in pleasures of the fleeting nature, nor can I ask someone to wait for me or to try and come home with me...how selfish would that be?  That is even assuming I could find someone.  Yes, love has been one of the emotions I have been dealing with...or rather a lack thereof.

Either way, it shall not interrupt my family's fun.  That I intend to make sure of.

March 7

Leading up to this, I've had a huge amount of stress, not helped by some unfair surprises, most notably in the time it would take to get to my parents hotel.

I had to take basically an hour and a half to two hour train right at 5:30 in the morning to get there on time and tomorrow I have to get up even earlier, so that put me off on a bad foot from minute one, but I did get to see my parents.

It was a nice reunion.  They were clearly glad to see me and I got to share in their hotel's buffet, which had both cheese and bacon, awesome, and we went to Tienenmen square and the forbidden city, both places I'd already been.  We did lots of walking, though I sort of dragged as my body was rightly shot from the lack of sleep.  The previous night I had gotten home from work at 11pm and did not get to bed until after midnight, due to prep work for today.  So, I was thrashed.  We did get to have lunch at a hutong which was family style and the food was both very unique and quite tasty.  A nice surprise.

This was followed by me basically crashing.  I took a nap on my family's bed and then we went to dinner, also lots of unique dishes and served family style, followed by a martial arts stage drama, featuring lots of choreographed martial arts and some of the most impressive synchronized work I've ever seen.  There was a lot of production value put into it and it was a very enjoyable experience.  However, it is a bit bittersweet as even as I write this, I am getting ready for my next big day, which involves me getting up even earlier so we can all go to the great wall of China together.

I find myself a bit awkward around my parents, actually.  I love them to pieces, but I also feel a bit strange spending so much time with them for some reason.  I guess I'd gotten used to the idea of independence and it sinks back in that everyone is someone's child.  I'm dwelling a little on what will happen when I return stateside.  I would like to live alone again, but...we'll see.  My family might help me get an apartment and if not, I've survived worse than a few weeks/months with my father and mother.  I do love them but it will be hard giving back the reins of my independence, even for just a few weeks/months.  We'll see what happens.

March 8

God, so tired...I had to get up at 4:30 am to get to my family in time to go to the great wall.  This is closer to the China I wanted.  Still a little mystical, majestic, and with a powerful feeling of uniqueness.  Sadly, that uniqueness came with a cost.  My legs are killing me because climbing it is super awkward.  I spent much of my time with my family napping in the bus after dealing with the crazy hike.  We did get to see a cool Jade factory though and I bought a few Jade gifts for friends.  Jade, the diamond of China.  Anyway, we've had great food for these last few days and that trend continued at the jade restaurant.

We also got to see some sports sights at the Olympic village, but it kinda bored me...not too interesting.  We saw the temple of heaven and again, I got to missing my independence and feeling a bit smothered.  My family, I love them, but today I was reminded very much about how I missed controlling my own destiny.  The temple itself was...fine, but a bit boring, especially compared to the summer palace.  Anyway, we got to see an acrobatics show which was jaw-droppingly amazing.  Such cool sights to see, such an amazing performance.  I even snapped a few photos.  We had our last dinner of peking duck, which...is good, but a bit overrated, I must say.  The older adults got to talking and I felt very out of place near the end of the night.  I felt very tired and out of place.

Either way, my family insisted I stay with them at the hotel and I was too tired to argue.  I slept like a rock for seven hours, but the snoring of my parents, my sore throat, and dealing with the different bed made it hard after that.

March 9

Tried to give my parents my own tour of Beijing, including an up close and personal tour of the subways...they are frustrating.  Anyway, we got their bags to a secondary business hotel and I got some sweet gifts.  Supplies I asked for, chocolates, well wishes from family, the works.  In turn, I took them to see where I work, meet my colleagues, drop off some gifts for my colleagues, do some shopping, and visit a restaurant I had gone to with our mutual friend when she was in China.

Though the trip was hard and my parents began to grow a bit disheartened near the end, the great food made it all worthwhile, for them and for me.  I'd like to go back to the restaurant again, or just go to the general area, because it's an amazing place.  Anyway, I feel a bit glad now, for some independence and peace.  No matter who you are or what you're doing, you always need a little time to just decompress.

Just another day and a half with them.  A bit sad to draw near to the time of their departure, but I know I'll be back stateside in six months, so it's not like this is forever.

March 10

So very tired.  We had to get up early...again...to go to meet a traditional Chinese medicine doctor.  He actually said, after he gave my mom treatment, that he might be able to help me with my constant feelings of exhaustion, so I've set up an appointment for later in March.  Then, off to the international book store.

I finally became my father, as my exhaustion peaked during this time.  I've been so close to collapse for the last few days, right alongside him...either way, we did a bit of shopping, my parents and me, and then headed to Yonghegong lama temple to do some exploring.  Checked it and Confucius temple out, and...uh...so tired.

Surprisingly, my family was able to pack like 90% of the souvenirs I had amassed up till this point.  Which was heartening!  We then got some Ramen which helped my mood...good lord, Ajisen Ramen is fantastic.  I admit to feeling a bit sad and nostalgic as my parents will be going home tomorrow.  We have plans for food and all and even with the frustrations that come with family, I will miss them quite a bit.  I feel like I'm gonna hit a low soon because my time with them is nearly over.  Sad, eh?

If I could, I'd have them over once a week, because familiarity and normalcy both are nice, but I'd like to have my space as well.  5 days in a row felt like quite a lot, but when they're gone, I know it'll feel like only a little and I will miss them terribly.

Body...mind...soul...ugh, all of it, why must you make life so complicated?

March 11

Gave my family some Chinese food today before they headed off.  Donkey meat pancake, egg and pita chicken and lettuce wrap.  We had some fun, traveled the subway, and managed to pack away most of my souvenirs for home, so...it was finally time to say goodbye.  Helped them get to the airport, then...it was time for the long ride home, alone.

I admit to being a little sad that they're gone.  Also, very tired.  I tried to get some clothes fixed today at my tailor, but only got my coat fixed...forgot to take the right shirt.  And It was past 5 when I got home, so...worn down and a bit tired.  With mum and dad gone, I'm drowning my sorrows, ironically, in a game about sailing.

I...miss home a great deal now, but just too exhausted to register most of it.  Now, if only I could get some friends to come visit me...

March 17

Getting back into the swing of things has been hard.  I've felt really burnt out at work lately, even with regular DnD night coming back.  However, that's not all.  I've also got responsibilities...taxes.

I spent most of today doing taxes and it damn near drove me crazy.  Trying to pay taxes in the US is hard enough, but trying to pay US taxes in China is damn near impossible.  I feel pretty tired, but my family got home and skyped with me, so I feel a bit better.

With my limited access to the internet and my games, I've taken a liking to a new TV series that I can watch online.  A bit strange, but still fun.  I feel...perhaps if I do branch out in China...well, more than I already have at least...it will be in a way that people might not expect.  I want to think that I'm growing, if only a little.

Some things stay the same, I admit.  My frustration with technology and beauracracy, even if it is a pointless frustration, still runs strong and has me cursing up a storm.  I hope that it will get better...I try to handle frustrations as they come, but I still have a ways to go, you might say.  Or rather, I might say.

March 20

I feel like death took a holiday in my body.  It's been years since I felt this sick.  On the night of the 18th, I went to bed at 10pm and got up for work at 10 am...I think I got a total of maybe 4 hours sleep out of that total twelve?  My body has been in agony, particularly my lips and throat, which are dry and cracked, and my nose, which is either runny as hell or stopped up to no end.  I.  Hate.  Being.  Sick.  In.  China.  This country has made me sicker than my entire stay in the US.  That's 6 months vs 26 years.

I've been downing tons of medicine, bought a humidifier to help with the dryness my AC provides, done everything I can...cept take the day off from work.  That's the nuclear option.  We'll see if it comes to that.  Right now though, I feel awful.

March 23

Still feel like god damn death.  It's been almost a full week of sore throat, coughing till I want to die, runny nose, stopped up nose, chugging medicine as often as I can, nightmare fuel.  I.  Hate.  Being.  Sick.  In.  China.

The pharmacy stuff helps sometimes, but they give you so little...the price is cheap, but you get barely a day's worth with each, so I have to plan...because if I don't have enough for my weekend, I am royally friggin screwed.

I am so tired of this.  A full week of working full tilt with my body about to collapse on me.  I hate life.

March 27

I visited a doctor earlier this week and got some more medicine...I've been chugging like a dozen pills a day for the last few days.  I AM getting better, but my voice is still pretty fragile, so I have to be careful not to lose it during class.  We'll see how that goes.  Friggin hate this sickness.

In other news, my doctor also tried to recommend me some new life patterns to help improve my general feeling of exhaustion.  Trying consistent bed times across the board now and consistent wake times, with at least 8 hours sleep in the whole group.  Also, trying to start having oats and sugar for breakfast to get an energy boost.  We'll see how it goes.  I'm giving it a few months, after all, I can always say screw it when I get home if it's not working for me.

Still tired.  Took on a new project for my company to try and compose a video to help newbies get acclimated to China, specifically to help with apartment hunting.  Asked my co-workers for help with photos or videos of their own homes, but...eh, I'm cynical so I don't have much faith in that area.  Once again.  We'll see.

Working in China Month 6: February 2015

February 2015:

February 1-6

Ugh...so exhausted.  This month has tested my patience and my will with the VPN issues, Youtube copyright claims, and just general stress of teaching.  I've spent more time out of class helping students, sometimes spending 30 minutes to an hour addressing their personal worries and trying to get them to stop apologizing and a few have taken it upon themselves to teach me Chinese, little by little.

I got to teach my class on Dragons and while fun, I worry it wasn't as enjoyable for the students as it was for me.  Either way, I now have some cool laminated dragon pictures for my use whenever I want them.  I'm just so worn down lately, part of it being disease, part of it being trying to balance everything.  I've almost gotten what I need for my legal work, but still waiting on other stuff, such as from my family for their impending vacation here in China.

Life needs to give me a minute to breathe.

February 10
Trying to figure out taxes for the overseas traveler.  It's more than a little confusing.  Speaking of confusing, trying to also figure out if my debit card in China will work in the States...also wondering about some stuff in regards to my legal education...did I fill out the form correctly?  3 hours of CLE training later, I feel dead to the world.

I miss having days off and weekends when I could just...relax.  I don't do as much work these days as when I'm actually working, true, but it still sucks.  And...my friends are busy, so I can't take solace from them.  They're working, so they won't respond to my requests, due to the time difference and business...or they will and they'll tell me they can't talk because...yeah.

Internet is still frustrating at times.  Still not sure what to do about spring festival, where most food places will close.  I have survived my cold, but I feel more and more beaten down by life.  I just want to give up sometimes.

But I can't.  Even without the people at home who rely on me surviving so they can live peacefully...whether they know it or not...if you give up now, then what about the people who will need you who you haven't met yet?  Everyone is necessary.  So, I have to keep going.

Jennie Breedan's webcomic, The Devil's Panties keeps me going at times like this.  A daily visit for me online and it makes me smile, if only a little.  My games are a good distraction, but sometimes I need nostalgia, randomness, and humor, which the DP gives in spades. 

I...have been missing being in love, lately.  It makes emotions difficult.  At work, I will be business.  I must be.  At home, I am usually too tired to worry.  But on my days off, I have time to think.  And I miss being loved.

Someone close to me started dating recently.  Not sure if it's the best idea, considering her choice, but I can't really blame her.  It's an intoxicating feeling, being loved and being needed.  Familial and platonic love can carry you far, but there's something different about being loved romantically.  You, of all people are chosen...you're special.  I miss that...I hate missing that, because it wasn't what I was told.  Wasn't what I was promised.  It nearly destroyed me.  Closest I have ever come to losing myself.  And why do I remember that now, of all times?

No matter where I go, I know I'll have these demons following me.  Love and lust, fatigue and envy, sloth and worry, anger and sadness.  Neither sins or flaws, but parts of being human...the demons we all carry.

Like I said, I can't just quit though.  So, I live on.

February 11

Went out to get my dinner tonight and I've been struck by something that makes me sad.  I've talked at length about the air here, how the smog or what have you can make you cough and sick, but...it goes deeper than that.  Even when it looks clear, there is a terrible stench of smoke, sewage, and trash...even if I don't smell, I can still feel the grime when I breathe and it makes me sad...makes me miss my home, where I could take a big breath of deep, clean air.  I also miss going out walking at night.  I could do it at home when I needed some exercise or to clear my head, but...the stench, the poor air, the lights, all the people...it means I can't.  And that saddens me.  The only time I have of quiet to think is when I'm alone in my home...I can't be walking or moving when I want clearing head time.

February 12

Drama from home will follow you no matter where you go.  Not gonna say much more than that.  Hoping it will get resolved soon, because really, there's not much I can do about it from over here.  I can tell people I love them, mean it, and offer advice, but if people want me to take sides...ain't gonna happen.  I am over 6000 miles away from the incident...not a lot of point in taking sides for a battle I won't fight.

February 17
Hahahahahahaha, I hate spring festival.  Everything closes down, there are fireworks at all hours of the night, and going to any grocery store is pure HELL.  Black Friday has nothing on a Chinese super market the day before Spring Festival.  I do get some days off, which is good, but I hate going to grocery stores here.  You think Wal-mart is incompetent?  Or Target?  Imagine lines, with a dozen registers running, so long that they twist around an entire aisle.  I went looking for crackers and stumbled upon a line 5 yards long gumming up the aisle.

And of course, no one here seems to understand how to be gracious, conscious of space, or to just move out of the bloody way.  People will stop in an intersection to look at tangerines and cause a 5 cart pile up with no craps given.  Class act.

Truth be told, though I am frustrated beyond belief by all this, I'm looking forward to cooking again, if only a little.  I have very few tools on me, but it's the independence and power to make your own meals.  I'm staying simple with curry rice, spaghetti with meat and sauce, PB&J, and a few other easy dishes, but still, feels good.  If I had more time, more supplies, or more craps to give, I'd go a bit more in detail.  But I don't, so I won't.

Speaking of cooking and grocery stores, they will shove any amount of samples in your face to get a sale.  Helpful in some cases, since I found meat I might actually like, but also very frustrating, as the pressure is high...and they don't give you samples of cheese, which is more expensive than gold here.

Ugh...also, CLE training.  I've finished, but now I need to apply for my certification to prove I completed the course.  God, so much work for a tiny piece of paper -_-u

February 18
So tired.  I went looking for the temple of hell today to look over some hell paintings and enjoy a spring festival...well, festival.  Spent 2 hours in the cold looking with no luck.  I stopped by yonghegong again, this time heading to the temple of earth, purely on a whim...and lo and behold, there was a festival there.

It was pretty standard, save for the security, which was INSANE.  We're talking x-rays, we're talking metal detectors, we're talking body scanners...crazy.  Still, the festival was like a state fair back in NC.  Lots of games for the kiddies, a few people on stage making idiots of themselves for their amusement and the amusement of the crowd, and lots and lots of things to eat and buy.

Everything from kitschy stuff like plastic swords and masks to professional art pieces and souvenirs were being sold.  I saw food that...honestly, while it looked good, the price was too much.  I could get it cheaper on the street outside my home rather than at the festival.  I saw a pineapple half filled with gluttonous rice and other things that I didn't touch, but I did try the churros.  They were not very good.  The vanilla yogurt and chocolate sauce they used was very weak.

I saw an SNK figure that a friend of mine would die over and caved and bought it.  Will I sell it to them or will I give it to them...time will tell.  Either way, I spent more money than I wanted.  I debated buying so many things, but I didn't need most of them or wasn't satisfied with their quality as a gift, so I didn't bother.

I did get my initials in the form of colorful animals.  The artist was an old man who was really skilled at using a flat piece of either brush or plastic to just make beautiful blends of color in the form of a fish for S, a peacock for R, and a dragon for N.  Great stuff.  Then, I got fleeced.  See, the painting itself is dirt friggin cheap, only 30 RMB for a beautiful art piece.  The LAMINATING cost, you know to keep it from being ruined on the way home, is 80RMB, making the total cost 110RMB.  I was wondering about how to keep it safe and couldn't speak Chinese to negotiate...so, I got fleeced.  First time for it.  Still, it was worth the money, but...that pisses me off.  Shoulda seen it coming.

Too tired to do much else tonight.  Just a bit of gaming, video editing, skyping with friends, and trying to relax with FIREWORKS EXPLODING ALL AROUND ME OUTSIDE!  Seriously, it's like the friggin 4th over here.  Spring Festival is a time where sleep is a nice dream for those who actually need it...a dream laughed at by those setting off fireworks every few seconds.

Ugh...need rest.

February 21

I'm very tired now, but for the time I had off, I felt...unusually at peace.  I've realized that I like many things about China, but I don't like China itself.  The whole package versus the different parts, you might say.  And that is just for me.  Others like it, and I get why, but I...cannot.

I think I'm also realizing that the reason I feel tired most nights before work is purely the anticipation of work the next day.  I do like my job, but the hours I need to work are frustrating.  As is some of the other parts of China, for example having to get food at the same places due to the price and the English menus.

I got a chance to cook during my time off and I actually really enjoyed it, but...it just reminds me how much I miss the food back home, especially some of the fast food.  Anyway, I might try and cook a bit more, since I have leftover noodles and rice to work with.

Anyway, this month is almost up.  Next month, family comes to visit.  That should be fun.

February 24

I went back to work for just two days, considering that I had had a big holiday, but still...very tired.  I got so frustrated with one set of students.  I tried my best not to let it show and I didn't lose my temper, or my cool, but I had to try and break the lesson down into much more basic levels for them and they still had issues with it.  It saddens me a little, because one thing I need to learn is how to handle students who are not up to their level, so to speak.  Talking slower helps, trying to make the tasks simpler helps, using more graded language helps, but sometimes...the students just will not try or will not be engaged.  As one of our teachers, and my father, have said...you can take a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink.  Still, I have to keep trying.  But those kinds of classes exhaust me so very much.

Anyway, today in particular, I had to go to the US Embassy.  Hard to find, tucked away along a row of embassies, but security there is...well, not scary, but extensive.  They have guards and a gate, they do three different types of scans, and you cannot carry any electronic equipment with you into the embassy.  A lot of stuff just to get a notarial seal.  I had to get my documents for paralegal re-certification notarized and this was the only option.  Expensive, troublesome, and exhausting, but...goddammit, I refuse to cheat and take the easy way out.  I do not lie...so I have to get a notarial seal the right way.  And so I did.

Stopped by a pizza hut with an English menu...I was not impressed.  So many pizzas with peppers.  A bit disappointing.  Most stores are still closed, which is tiresome, but I think my go to fast food place is open...so there's that.  Anyway, trying to get a lot done before my family comes to visit.  I've been feeling low lately.  Not seriously depressed low, just... a bit off.  I won't go into too much details, but a part of it certainly comes from the environment.  The inconveniences of living in China.  Especially the internet, which frequently screws me.

Life is hard and I worry about my finances.  I get paid soon, certainly, however I have to use a lot to pay my rent, for food, and getting money ready for my family.

Working in China Month 5: January 2015

January 2015:

January 1-6
Not much to say about the new year.  I have worked and struggled, but I keep going.  I think I'm close to or in the middle of cultural fatigue, which is a condition where, having gotten acclimated to a new culture and climate, you start feeling despair and sadness because you miss your old home and are sick of the new one.

I am still getting on fine in China, but I will have more and more bouts of missing home which make me believe that fatigue is upon me.  Alongside that, I've felt more and more tired these days, especially at work.  I have too much to do and too little time.

I've been working to find a gift for a friend too.  I only found two and one was broken...the problem is, I have two friends, so...I keep looking.  I can buy one online, if need be, however I'd like to avoid the trouble if possible.  Still, with the fare increase of the subway, it becomes more and more expensive to travel frivolously.

January 7-8

I forgot to mention.  When it rains, it pours.  My USB controller is dying...gonna have to get my family to get me a new one and bring it to me when they visit.  Making plans right now to try and visit them, plan my dragon class for my school in February, and register for a CLE course to keep my paralegal certification.  God, I need a vacation TT_TT

January 9-10

Remember when I said it rains, it pours?  When it monsoons, it hurricanes would be more accurate.  God, so tired...I've had two straight days of observations, with the senior staff watching me teach.  First one didn't go so well, but my observer was one of the nicer teachers who actually knows how to give bloody constructive criticism without being a jerk.  The other day, I wasn't so fortunate.

Yes, I had the same crap from last time, but since I taught a better class, I had less chewing out and more my observer being overly critical.  Contradicted previous advice given to me, frustrated me, and generally put a bad taste in my mouth.

This morning, I tried again and couldn't find the gift I wanted for my friend.  Next week is my last try, since the guy there promised me he'd have it next week.  Last try before I say screw it and buy it online.

Also, to top it all off, on my way home, ten feet from the elevator, I slipped, Loony Tunes style, and cracked my knee on the linoleum floor.  It hurts, it's not bleeding, but it's got a nasty bruise.  Life is fun here in China, right now...

Good news?  I am hoping to start a DnD group on Sunday.  More to come about that, if it gets off the ground.

January 11

DnD night!  Right off the bat, I felt gimped...one of our players bailed on us immediately.  Needless to say, she will not be invited back.  We give her weeks of notice and she tells us less than an hour before we play that she's got other plans.  Classy.

That being said, we got started well enough.  Only two seasoned players of the four who attended, me being the DM, and our senior teacher as the thief.  Our neophytes are getting into it though, with a somewhat lecherous cleric and a strong willed elven maiden.  I have to say, I lack experience.  I struggled a little with what to say or do for the encounters.  Once the monsters rolled out, easy as pie, but the world building and conversation trees, the role playing...I need practice.  It'll be better next time.  Still, nonetheless, we got some great experiences out of it.  Our thief is a smart ass with clever tricks, but not that much intelligence, so he can get himself in trouble easily.  Our cleric is able, but a bit unlucky.  Our elf is competent and scary when she gets going.

First encounter of the campaign was a small group of kobolds trying to ambush a caravan.  After a rocky set of combat, where we nearly lost our elven maiden, I gave them a clue leading them to a kobold hole.  The thief, having tricked one of the other caravan guards, got some much needed help from an NPC fighter when they decided it would be a bright idea to invade.  Thank god for our elf...she read the kobold message on the map I had provided using her spells to realize there was a trap.

So naturally, they decided to smoke them out and set a trip wire.  The trap took out one Kobold and three fell on their faces thanks to a trip wire.  Sadly, the remaining Kobolds and their chieftain nearly destroyed the party, with our plucky thief getting a spear through his chest which, while not fatal, will I hope remind him that he has very few HP.  Our elf saved the day, slaying 3 of the 4 remaining kobolds and forcing the chieftain to retreat.  Housten, I think we have a leader.

January 13

You think Black Friday is hell?  Try surviving a Chinese grocery store.  The lines are bloody insane.  I just wanted to pick up a little soda and we have lines of like 30 minutes for only 3-4 people.  Needless to say, I said screw that noise, paid a few extra RMB and bought some soda at a convenience store near my home which had, surprise surprise, NO LINES!

I hate Chinese grocery stores.  No self check out, very slow regular checkout, even in express lanes, and ultimately, just...rather poor service.

January 14
It's pretty early morning here in China, right now.  I've had a frustrating day and I'm getting ready for bed.  Had trouble with my games, had frustrations with trying to get work done...I do so much work on my weekends and it's sad and annoying.

But, I'm sitting here, right now, listening to a comedian, a guy named Martin Billany, Little Kuriboh, talking a little about depression and the fact that he's still here.  How he feels good and happy lately, working through it and talking about how he loves to make people laugh.  How helping others is one of the best feeling for him and it helps keep him going.  It has me thinking.

I've spent a little time talking to someone special.  She ought to know who she is if she reads this, and no she's not a girlfriend or anything like that.  It was nice.  I'm not going through depression so much as frustration, but it felt so good just talking.  I'm reminded of why she means so much to me.  That after being apart for a while, we can still talk and joke and of course we discuss how much we miss each other, but we just sort of tease and laugh and are...family.  My father told me that I should be living for myself, that do things for you rather than others and to an extent, I get it.  We need to move under our own power.  But for me, I've for a long time styled myself as a sentinel.  A guardian.  A protector and someone you can rely on.  And that reliance has been a driving force for me.  It feels good to be needed.  No one is an island. 

Yeah, we do need to live under our own power.  And much as I like my co-workers here, when I come home, I'm alone.  I keep going, I keep my own projects moving because let's be honest, no one cares about them but me.  And that's okay because it means something to me.  But none of us should live alone.  Not completely alone.  People love to say we need nothing, we can do it on our own, we're strong, but human beings...any kind of living creature, really, cannot grow in a vacuum.  We need people.  I think talking to my friend was not a reminder of that, but merely...a connection.  It's a way I keep going.  I have lots of people I love and each of them help motivate me.  There are only few people I trust more than any.  There's been 3 people I've loved more than anything in my life, 2 of whom have betrayed me.  But speaking with this friend, who ironically wasn't in that last list, the one who stayed with me was my god mom who I loved...my friend is kind of different from that feeling of love I'd had.  I told her once, I'd stay in the States if she asked me.  If she needed me.  I do that because she's earned it.  Earned a trust that is near absolute.  A trust which...transcends love or attraction.

There is a connection there and it helps me to keep going.  Reminders of that connection.  A feeling about it.  Even far away, missing her, missing my family, my games, my DnD group, the simple luxuries like my sofa or a regular internet connection, those connections and reminders give us the strength to stand on our own.

I've been going through a lot of cultural fatigue, but I can stand on my own and have for a good 4 months now, being on my own here in China.  That bridge though...it helps keep us moving forward.  A bridge is meant to be crossed when needed, but otherwise it is a reminder of connections.  That we are not an island, alone in the ocean, but part of the world at large.

January 15

Wow, that last entry was a bit deep and showed my deep caring for other human beings, huh?  Welp, time for life to screw me again.

Heard back from the State Bar.  See, I'm not only working abroad, but also certified as a paralegal in NC.  Now, I have been planning for a good month or so to try and take some CLE courses to recertify so that I can keep this title which I worked for for half a year and dropped upwards of 5000 dollars on to get both the training and to get the application I needed.

Their stance?  "We know you're trying to be honest, but we don't care."  If you are overseas, it turns out, for a period of more than a year, it may be impossible to recertify, since you have to sign the paper in the presence of a notary of the United States.  And that is nearly impossible in my current situation.

So, yeah, my weekend just gave me a big fat screw you to me and I may lose my certification.  I still have my training, I still have my job experience, but this seems especially apathetic and unfair of an organization that should respect someone who is trying to be honest and respect the legal field.  I feel...more or less totally betrayed right now.

January 17

Frustrated.  I may have found my solution to the problem.  The US Embassy has US notaries, so I might be able to get this done, but it's just one more added bit of idiocy and frustration in a long list for the next few months.  I am tired.  I want to go on adventures or at least enjoy my weekends, not spend them working on classes for school, legal education, or paperwork.

I don't burn bridges if I can help it and being honest, despite how frustrating and difficult it is, is just in my nature, so I pretty much have to.  I don't know how to be dishonest...and my honor comes before all so...here we go.  Trying to find some fun in life now...paperwork and class prep needs to give me some room to breathe.

I did finally find a gift for one of my friends though.  Not quite the same model or size, but the same concept...and I hope that she likes it.  I am too nice sometimes.  And so humble too.

January 20-21

I just dragged this week...not sure if I was sick or what, but I felt like death for the large part of the work week and I had to force myself to keep going.  I seem to always be yelling at home, usually at my internet, which is frustrating to try and get going at the best of times.  My online game of choice, Hearthstone, has also been frustrating me immensely.

For my birthday, I wanted a cake, but the place I went to was out of big ones and the other stores selling cakes wanted upwards of 40-50 dollars per...so, I got a few small cakes, really no bigger than a tiny pudding cup...a bit sad in hindsight, but I've had a good birthday, regardless.  Frustrations with my internet and some games aside, I finished a game I was working on for months, managed to connect my 3ds to the internet, so I can get more games if I want, and I've created and published a tribute to an internet comedian who, regrettably, died last year.  Justin Carmical, you are remembered.  This has been a bit melancholy for my birthday, but still enjoyable.

Wednesday was a better day.  I had lunch with a friend from work and found a new eatery right next to where I live that serves western food and at late hours, so I can go there on my late nights.  It was a good time.  I even got a little A&W root beer.  My friend even paid for me...like my father taught me, I refused her three times, then just gave in.  We went to a mall after that and she did some shopping for herself while I held the bags.  Hey, after paying for lunch, I was glad to help.  We got some strawberry milk tea and passion fruit smoothies.  Very enjoyable stuff.

This has been a bit sad for a birthday, but only because I miss the people I love back home and this is my first time away from all of them for so long.  Still, I'm still here, I'm still going.  Hopefully I can get what needs doing done sooner rather than later.

January 24
The VPN Crackdown in China is frustrating...google does not want to work on my firefox, though Chrome is better.  I hate this country's firewall.  It DOESN'T WORK.  It's just annoying.  I have my vpn, it works, I can do what I want, they are just inconveniencing people as far as I can see.

Also, I am kinda tired of being either forgotten or ignored.  God bless them, I know some of my friends don't mean to forget me and I know they have their own lives, but when someone promises me that we will talk, then says we will talk in an hour or two, then nothing and I can only deduce they have gone to bed...I feel very sad and very...very tired.  I know it isn't meant to hurt me, it's just humans being humans.  But still...sigh.

January 30
Survived my first performance review and I'm...about on par?  I'll take it.  So tired and worn down.  I have finished preparation for my dragon class, however I've got far too much paperwork to do still.  Work for CLE mostly.  It needs to be ready by March.  By then, perhaps I can breathe easily.  I'm trying to stay positive.  Taken to humming Binks Sake at work from One Piece, because the carefree melody of the humming swordsman, Brook, tends to give me a little peace and energy.  It reminds me of sailing and makes me feel a bit better being alone...or feeling alone.

Talked with another student on the train tonight.  Bit weird, since her English isn't on my level, so I have to take it slower and explain a lot, but still, interesting.  I've thought about learning Chinese, but after her crash course, I'm more wary than before.  Each set of letters has one of four tones that can also be used with it and this totally changes the meaning.  It is...scary, at times.

Feeling lonely, just a bit.  I get to talk to people I love now and again, like I did recently with a friend in Japan, but at times it's very overwhelming.  I have to handle the lion's share of it myself to.  It's well and good that my friends love me and the like, but they aren't here to cook for me or help me with my stress or my paperwork.  So, I have to keep living on my own.  It is tiresome.  My new year hasn't started off bad, but I feel...oddly out of place, I think.

January 31

Remember that not starting off bad shit?  Yeah, China's VPN crackdown has hit my VPN hard.  I spent a fair bit of time without net today and finally managed to claw and crawl back up to enough speed to stream video off youtube, however not sure how long it will last.

At my performance review, I told my boss that I'd probably only stay for a year, due to missing my family and wanting to explore more of Asia.  I can add because China's government can screw with your internet, which you pay for, on a whim, to that list.  I defended those idiots for getting things done up till now.  Yeah...not any longer.  I cannot wait to get out of this country.

Working in China Month 4: December 2014

Delays, delays, I got a new job and work to do and I forget things, but better late than never.  Here, near to Halloween, let's talk about my Christmas in China.

December 2014:

December 1
Today was the teacher's forum.  God, I nearly killed myself since all the activities were physical.  Ballet was very strenuous, since I don't bend well, but I tried hard for my co-worker who was hosting it.

I gave up about halfway through the workout because my body simply refused to do all that they wanted.  I got through squats, lunges, sit ups, and dozens of other exercises, but enough was enough.  Decent free lunch...first burrito in China.  I thought they were a myth.  Pity the veggies on it were so bad.

I got to be a DM in a DnD game as part of an activity, which was cool, and I got to present my video games as a useful tool for education program.  I have to admit, I don't think people were that impressed, but I was tired and I didn't care.  I muddled through the technical difficulties to try and get it done so I could go home, which I did.  Now, one more day of forum and then I have my weekend.

So tired.

December 2-4
Now...funny story...except not really...I went to the forum again and was run ragged...again, and decided after it was over to go through a bit of a search for donkey meat, of which I have been informed, there is a store in my neighborhood.  Donkey meat, for those who are not aware, is delicious and has to be tasted to be believed.  Now, I didn't find my donkey meat, I had to settle for Mcdonalds and go home.

However, after going home, I awoke the following morning to an insane amount of pain in my extremities, which persisted for the following days.  Worse, after dragging my body out of the house for Pizza, I found myself around 6pm, sick to my stomach and nauseated, with a migraine and a desire to vomit topping off the pain in my arms and legs.  And for six hours, that's how I lived...laying in my bed, praying for the sweet oblivion of sleep.

I got slightly better the next day, but my weekend was a hell, followed only by frustration of having to go to work.

December 5
Fun fact, know that China's computers are old?  Mine crashed 3 times today in 30 minutes.  It's an old Dell clunker running windows XP.  God, how can such an advanced country be so backwards, I wonder...it amazes me.  Top it all off with another 12 hour day, six classes over my basic five, and my internet mocking me when I came home, and I am ready to just go to sleep and enjoy the sweet nothingness of my pillow and my bed...noticing a theme here, are we?

December 10-12

I spent my time this weekend building a Christmas special for the family and lamenting over the fact that the job search never really ends, it just slows up.  Already thinking about what may happen when I have to return home.  It would be great to go home to a decent paying job, a solo apartment, and a chance to get back to normal with life, do more exercise, write more, etc. but...when we leave for another country, it is foolish to think that things will stay the same.

Nevertheless, I'll have to begin my job search anew in April.  Fun stuff...how tiresome.  I'll need to rebuild my resume and begin dealing with the issue of contacts again, alongside having to get my paralegal cert renewed, in case I can find work as a paralegal.  Just thinking about it at this point makes me tired and a bit irritable, so trying not to.

My computer problem has been fixed at work, but work is still exhausting and I feel a bit worn down.  I feel it is from the lack of my usual futon couch to sleep on, which is a comfort for me, and due to the lack of those I love being near me, in particular my friends whom I feel understand me just a touch more than others.

It is a trial of living abroad we must all accept if we want to broaden our horizons.

December 17

After the joy that is talking with my cousin, one of my favorite people in the world, my internet decided that I was having too much fun and crapped out.  You know, every damn weekend, it's something.  Either I have too much work to do, or I'm sick or SOMETHING, but I can never just have two perfect days.  Something has to happen to piss me off.  And when I say the internet has crapped out, I mean something in my wireless router or my damned internet connection has BLOWN, meaning I may not have internet for DAYS, since I have to work and will not be home until the following Monday.  Screw all kinds of China for its internet.  China's internet, and I do not say this lightly, is worse than the U.S.'s.  Both in speed and customer service.

December 18

I think I've realized why I get so angry and emotional when the internet is disconnected.  Being in China or being in the states, it is...a disconnect.  You are suddenly disconnected from the entire world around you, and especially from your loved ones.  Even if you don't want to talk to anyone or watch anything...you have the power to and that makes you feel connected.  Like you have the option to talk to others.  Being in China, even a few hours of disconnect with no promise of renewal hits me quite hard because I feel truly alone.  I cannot talk to my family, or my cousin, or my friends.  I cannot look for solutions for problems I have online or watch videos others create for fun.  I cannot even express my thoughts online, for people who want to or do not care to see.  And to be that alone in a country which you do not speak the language well and are...frankly dealing with a lot of stress in...that disconnect can be crippling.

I miss everyone more than ever now and feel very tired and very worried.  What if I cannot get it reconnected in time for Christmas?  I will miss...everyone.  I will spend the holiday alone.  Truly alone.  Tis a terrifying and depressing thought.  Here's hoping my agent pulls through, since I can do jack squat to get this fixed.  It's in her hands.

December 19

Frustration is pretty common here.  My headphones died and I had to get new ones.  Spending more than I want to, but in China it's easy to feel like you're spending more than you are.  I got new headphones, with a mic, with more features than my old ones, for less than what I paid for stateside.  Funny thing is, a store wanted to sell me basically the same set for close to 1200RMB, or 200 dollars American.  Why?  Branding.  Screw that crap.  You gotta know where to look if you want decent quality at a good price.  I got my headphones at my local BHG fresh grocery store.  They sell a little of everything for a decent price.

It's also where I've been scarfing down my peanut butter chocolate bars because good god, those things are amazing.  One of many things I may miss when I go home.  I get 24 bars for less than 5 bucks.  A bargain if ever I heard of one.

Lots of bargains here in China actually.  However, still waiting for my internet to be fixed.  Updates on when this solitude of mine ends as they come.

December 20
Thank god, I finally have my internet back.  Like 10 minutes before I had to go to work, the internet guy comes to fix my system.  Takes like 5 minutes...some things are the same in both America and China.

Also, after a hard day of teaching, I spent my subway ride home discussing literature and arguing with two Chinese girls about why Twilight is bad.  Good day?  Pretty fun stuff...I feel bad whenever I can't remember names though.  I keep trying to work on that, but still...hard.  I have a lot of students.  I know maybe...30-40 by name by now?

December 22

So very tired and a bit jaded.  I spent most of the day shopping for gifts for others and frankly, China's traditional malls can go right to hell.  First, I had to ride the worst subway in the world, Line 5, and nearly suffocate from lack of space.  This was both ways, so I spent a good hour or two on my feet shoulder to shoulder with a few hundred people.  Then, when I get to a mall I find they are far less the shrines to greed that I thought and more a shrine to pretension and status.

See, a traditional mall in China focuses almost entirely on proving how wealthy, well off, or high up on the food chain you are.  40% of the stores sell things which you put on, to show the world how expensive your tastes are when you are out in public.  20% sell things you take home, like expensive art pieces or statues, that show how well off you are when people visit your home.  And the last 30% are restaurants that, just by eating there, you show off how much money you have.  A single piece of clothing at a traditional mall can run into the hundreds or even the thousands.  And I don't mean RMB.  I mean dollars.  There is no variety there.  Clothes, jewelry, and expensive art stuffs are pretty much all you can get.  And the prices will give most people a heart attack.

If you want any variety, you have to find specialty stores.  I went to three malls and was bored stupid.  I went to one book store and was pretty much amazed beyond words.  At a single book stores I found: Chinese books, English books, models, calligraphy material, art decor, clothing, video games, movies, tools for composition, and so much more.  It was a large book store, admittedly, but it had just so much more to offer than any of the damn malls.

That, however is a traditional mall in China.  We have the...less traditional ones too.  These are magical places.  Think a bazaar, with people lining the streets with whatever they've bought, made, or are selling for others, now put them inside and in a six story building.  It's cool how modular it is, so the stalls can be swapped out or altered for holidays, seasonal stuffs, or easily replace someone who couldn't make it.  They have screens for keeping your goods private if you want it and everyone pretty much walks around trying to make a living.  Eating their lunch while selling a tennis racket for 40RMB.  The goods here are insanely cheap and a very good value.  I found stores selling sports good, bedding, clothing, holiday supplies, mending clothes, selling school goods and selling anime supplies all on one floor.  There is so much variety.

I bought plenty of gifts, both for myself, and for some friends, at one particular store which had an affinity for Japan.  I spent altogether less than 100 dollars for 2 gifts for me, 2 gifts each for three of my friends, food for the day, and for a mend job on my shirts.

That's another thing, I found an amazing tailor.  If I ever get holes in my clothes, I am going back to her to get repairs.  I showed her my shirts with a hole, we did some sign language to understand mending the hole, I gave her the equivalent of 4 dollars, and within 10 minutes I had 2 expertly mended shirts.  Fantastic work on them, too.  My favorite malls are the nontraditional ones.  Screw that expensive pretentious crap the regular ones offer.

December 25-26

Christmas was okay.  Bit lonely, but I got some time to rest and I got to see my family before I finally had to head back to work.  Not much else to say.

December 27
It amazes me how some people simply fail at giving constructive feedback.  If I make a mistake, I expect to be called on it, yes.  However to have someone treat you like you are 5, demean and humiliate you, even in private, and to treat you like you are of no real worth, save for the pretention to caring which is obviously they don't...yeah...learn feedback better.

I have colleagues who have given me good, constructive feedback, but some of them have major issues with it.  Significant issues.

I could care less.  I don't like it, but I continue on.  I will either not get fired, meaning I have experience, money, and time where I am not leeching off the family, or I will get fired and I can go home and see the people I love.  Either way, life continues.  I won't get fired at this point though...I feel that too much time has been put into me to fire me just for needing work.  A screw up of major proportions that is seriously bad, maybe, but I've already been working for almost 4 months...bit late to want me out, so no matter how frustrating the criticism, I will continue on.

December 30

Went to the lama temple today.  It's...an interesting place.  A bit more solemn and somber than other tourist spots.  You get incense when you go in and can burn it all at once or just burn a little as you go back, from Bodhisattva, to teacher and Buddhist founder, to a giant statue of the Buddha in the back of the temple, alongside a shrine to lady Guan-yin, the Bodhisattva of compassion.  The air is thick with incense smoke and it feels...very humbling, actually.  I know much of Buddhism, but here, seeing all the history, the tantric entities, and the teachings of it in China, I realize how little I do know.  It's very humbling...turns a man meek at times, I think.  It was a nice experience, I think, as many of the relics are quite beautiful and the temples have a certain air about them.  I admit that I don't have many pictures because it was requested that people do not.  Out of reverence for the Buddha and respect for the rules, I chose not to, even if others did.

I also went to visit the Imperial college and the temple to Confucius.  I learned a great deal about the scholar's life and about the college systems of the old Chinese empire.  It was quite educational.  I also nearly broke down crying because of nostalgia and want after seeing some brush paintings.  It made me realize all that I miss.  The girl I loved so long ago in Japan, the paintings I wish I could still create, and all those dear to me back home.  Still, I collected myself and finished exploring.  There was much to see and much to learn.  My legs hurt, but it was quite an enlightening experience.

Before I headed to a mall to look for some gifts for some anime crazy friends of mine, I spied, in a tiny little cafe, a doctor pepper.  Three different flavors, in fact.  Perhaps the only ones in China.  Though the price was jacked up, I bought all three and will take one each night for the next three to savor the taste.  I miss home...and those drinks are as close to home as it gets.

I really do miss home.  Be that Japan or be that North Carolina, I miss it.  China has been good to me, at times.  Despite frustrations with work, I've found good food and met decent people, and even those who cannot understand my words, I have a kinship with because I can buy their food or their wares and we are closer, in a sense.  China has been good...but I do not know if I can call it home.  I've got more time before I need to make a choice about staying or going, but for now, I still believe I will go when the time comes.

December 31

I want to take a moment before the year ends to talk a little about poverty here in China, specifically, begging.  Recently, the subway fare rose and many people found themselves unable to take it due to this and I find that a bit unfair.  It hurts the economy to do such things, because it makes the poor less mobile and less able to find work.

That is something I tend to respect most in certain people.  The drive to continue, despite having very little.  To put what skills they have to use for profit.  As the Joker said, if you're good at something, never do it for free.  And this also brings me to one of the more depressing and frustrating stances I've had to adopt here in China.

There are A LOT of beggars here.  Most hide out in Subway stations where they know people will be coming by and...frankly, I have a certain degree of distaste for them.  Not because they are poor or because of how they dress, because we all dress in our means and live as best we can, but because of their lack of drive.  There are two kinds of beggar in China.  There are those who will try and earn your money by offering a service, such as playing their Zitar, often homemade, on the way to the subway, or by selling things, or what have you, and then there are those who walk around, or in some cases sit around, and expect hand outs due to them either being in someway weaker or in their opinion unable to work.  I...have an issue with this.  At first I wanted to help as many as I could, in fact I gave to a couple who went through a subway with a speaker begging from everyone because they seemed badly off. Then they appeared the next day.  And the next.  And the next.  Then it hit me.  This was their job...to beg for charity.  It...kind of irks me, because in the States I've seen people with the homeless signs or the "god bless, my house got burned down" signs...and some of them with those signs stay at the same street corner day in and day out, working it as if they own it, thinking others should pay a toll.  Some beggars make enough money to put even my earnings to shame...and I have an issue with this.

I know I should not judge, but for me, working and supporting myself is a matter of pride and some just seem to have given up on that, expecting to be paid because they seem or feel they are worse off.  I tend to think that, even if you have no one there for you, you can do something.  We can all do something, even if it's just selling flowers or fruits on the corner.  And those who try to offer something, to make money off what they're good at, I have great respect for.  It's why I love the food vendors because they are using their skills to make money, even if it's just a little.  They cook for you.  But the beggars who expect charity...I don't know anymore.  The government seems to be equally divided on the issue as well, because they try to discourage this...in fact, a part of me wonders if the subway fare rose because of these kinds of incidents, where people "work" a specific subway, hours on end, for money.  After all, you pay 2RMB, now 3-6RMB and just stay on the subway till quitting time just collecting alms.  It's warm, it's got music, and there's plenty of people to increase the odds of you getting paid.

I know, more than you might think, what it is to need help.  But I have always strove to live with pride and to stand on my own when I could.  I want to help others stand on their own, I will gladly support a vendor or a seller or a maker or even a street musician because they work for their money.  It may be unfair to put my ideas of life onto another situation, but...if you give a man a fish he has food for a day, but tomorrow he will starve.  If you teach a man to fish, he will have food for a lifetime.  I believe that's the saying.  I know this stance may not be the most popular, but...there was a time when I gave to as many hard luck cases as I could...then I learned that they made more money begging on the street than I did working in an office...enough to pay rent for a house at times.  It...jades you.  That's not an excuse, but seeing the same thing day in and day out in China, with people holding out their hands rather than trying to create something...it is frustrating at times.  Even more so than in the U.S.

We cannot save everyone, even if we want to.  And even if we could...what will they do when we are gone?

2014 has been good to me in many aspects, but I've also found it terribly depressing in others.  Lost a lot of people I care about and had to go through some really trying times.  I'm praying 2015 will be better.

I'll have more for you as it develops in the new year.