August 1
I've had a long night. I've been so full of anger, sadness, frustration, and
pure abandon as I walked 30 minutes through the rain looking for a subway,
several stations behind what I needed, to get home when...I kind of hit
nirvana.A tranquility, a clarity hit me and I could see all the paths laid out before me, all the choices that would be selfish or self serving and the momentary joy, followed by hollow emptiness that would accompany them. I saw the path I had chosen, the path of honor and protection as well. It was not a path laden with happiness, but it gave me a kind of...peace to know I walked it. Frustrating as it may be, this is my path, the path of the sentinel.
To reclaim that clarity I felt tonight, I continue on that path, hoping anger will be replaced with understanding. For there is no hope but what I make myself and no future but that which I grasp with my own hands.
I won't go into any more details than that, but I feel
frustrated by my station in life as a sentinel and a guardian, always helping,
seldom being helped. However I've
understood, tonight and before, that that kind of is what a sentinel is. This frustration accompanies the path of
honor I have chosen to walk. I am
saddened by many things and I do not like my current place in the world, be it
the job, the friends, the city, or even the feelings, but I keep going. I stand vigilant and I walk forward.
You can choose to break down and beat the pavement as the rain pours over you, staining all your achievements, or you can soldier forward because no one else will walk the path for you.
And I must soldier forward because there are other things people will not do. So I must. If no one else will walk the path of the righteous, then...I shall. For someone must. This, I believe.
You can choose to break down and beat the pavement as the rain pours over you, staining all your achievements, or you can soldier forward because no one else will walk the path for you.
And I must soldier forward because there are other things people will not do. So I must. If no one else will walk the path of the righteous, then...I shall. For someone must. This, I believe.
August 2
Just a quick one here.
Exhaustion and frustration set in.
Now, I find myself wondering, in vain I know because really, it doesn't
matter, but I wonder...is it the natural order to trade reliability for
convenience every single time or is it merely a mark of immaturity?
For that matter, is it a mark of immaturity to be bothered by such things or is it simply the weakness of being run ragged for almost five days straight that is finally catching up with me. I wonder, indeed...
For that matter, is it a mark of immaturity to be bothered by such things or is it simply the weakness of being run ragged for almost five days straight that is finally catching up with me. I wonder, indeed...
August 11
Not much new to report.
Another week, another trip to the bank, another set of being run totally
ragged. Good god, I'm tired and I feel
so very old. While the number of classes
I'm supposed to teach has stayed the same, the "extra" stuff I've
been asked to do or kinda had my arm twisted into has netted me between 6-7
classes on a daily basis. I am being run
ragged during my last few weeks here in China and...sigh, I just want to
sleep, for the most part.
Worried about odds and ends, games and friends, but in the end, I'm trying to stay alive at this point.
Worried about odds and ends, games and friends, but in the end, I'm trying to stay alive at this point.
August 13
I know I've talked before about how much I miss things back
in the States, and it really is true, but traveling abroad, while not fun fun
magical super time, has opened my eyes a bit more. Traveling during college is one thing, it's
business as usual, you come back and everything is the way you left it,
but...no apartment to go home to, people I left having passed on or moved
away...or even the small changes, like weddings from friends...it all happens
and nothing is the same as when you go home.
I got some news that surprised me, and though it turned out to be false, it made me take stock of myself and my expectations. We chain ourselves to a particular image or status or ideal, often enough, like the face of the girl we love who keeps us going or the familiar setup of a game consoles we left in our home, but...it changes. WE change. I've had to think a bit more about the future and how its changes will affect me. The news I got made me feel uneasy for a bit, though I gradually started moving towards acceptance. For me, changes to the status quo are hard to accept if they are bad, or even just surprising, so...I feel that it may take time. Hours, days, possibly longer. But I do accept it and I do move on.
Thinking about love from time to time too, considering I'm getting older and not having any more bites, you might say. Not sure what I want...either way, I don't have too much time to think on it. I have work to do and it drains me immensely.
I got some news that surprised me, and though it turned out to be false, it made me take stock of myself and my expectations. We chain ourselves to a particular image or status or ideal, often enough, like the face of the girl we love who keeps us going or the familiar setup of a game consoles we left in our home, but...it changes. WE change. I've had to think a bit more about the future and how its changes will affect me. The news I got made me feel uneasy for a bit, though I gradually started moving towards acceptance. For me, changes to the status quo are hard to accept if they are bad, or even just surprising, so...I feel that it may take time. Hours, days, possibly longer. But I do accept it and I do move on.
Thinking about love from time to time too, considering I'm getting older and not having any more bites, you might say. Not sure what I want...either way, I don't have too much time to think on it. I have work to do and it drains me immensely.
You never truly appreciate what you have until it's
thousands of miles away from you. My
time away from everything, from my cousin, to my brother and his wife, to my
family and my DnD group have been a constant reminder that you can't take it with
you all the time and you can't always find replacements. DnD here in China fell through hardcore in
favor of ballet, which I am honor bound to take part in. It's kind of made me re-think what I want to
take with me next time I go abroad. The
things I don't want to leave behind, including, quite probably, pictures and
special games. I took some, but I've had
the most unearthly craving for Ogre Battle, Dark Souls, Breath of Fire, and my
Suikoden games of all things. Steam and
the internet offer some decent replacements, but I am an old sort who misses
the originals.
Thankfully, a bit of my time thinking has also helped me to motivate myself to get things done. While working life is hard, I have hit a small grove of reading/editing during the week, video editing on my weekends, and Japanese training. It's small pleasures, but I do enjoy them...a bit, anyway. Hoping to have my book read all the way through by the time I head out to Japan.
This will be a short week as my vacation before I resign is upon me. I have four days this week, then 5 days off, then 3 days the following week. Looking forward to it like you cannot believe. After being run so ragged...I am ready for a break.
Thankfully, a bit of my time thinking has also helped me to motivate myself to get things done. While working life is hard, I have hit a small grove of reading/editing during the week, video editing on my weekends, and Japanese training. It's small pleasures, but I do enjoy them...a bit, anyway. Hoping to have my book read all the way through by the time I head out to Japan.
This will be a short week as my vacation before I resign is upon me. I have four days this week, then 5 days off, then 3 days the following week. Looking forward to it like you cannot believe. After being run so ragged...I am ready for a break.
August 14
I have to say, my last post has a LOT
more meaning now. Sigh. I got handed a rather frustrating surprise
today at work where a glitch in the way the system handles leave requests left
me in the negative. So, small scale
panic attack. It plays right into me
having to deal with surprises and changes at a rapid pace.
I THINK I've figured out the solution. See, I have several days in lieu from when I worked extra days or holidays were on my days off, and I never used them because I thought they would just be applied to the leave I had automatically, but...not the case, so I have a few extra as well.
My manager seems satisfied and I'm glad, cause I can't come in to work on the days I got off, nor do I want to lose the small extra pro rated salary I'd get for my days in September.
And our center is undergoing renovations, leaving us with maybe...4 classes usable to share amongst about 8 teachers? I see a problem with this, do you? Sigh...my last month is going to be an eventful one, it seems. Cannot wait for my upcoming mini-holiday. I plan to spend at least 1-2 days just resting...maybe reading my book, but NOT editing videos, maybe not even playing games. We'll see.
I'm in the home stretch.
I THINK I've figured out the solution. See, I have several days in lieu from when I worked extra days or holidays were on my days off, and I never used them because I thought they would just be applied to the leave I had automatically, but...not the case, so I have a few extra as well.
My manager seems satisfied and I'm glad, cause I can't come in to work on the days I got off, nor do I want to lose the small extra pro rated salary I'd get for my days in September.
And our center is undergoing renovations, leaving us with maybe...4 classes usable to share amongst about 8 teachers? I see a problem with this, do you? Sigh...my last month is going to be an eventful one, it seems. Cannot wait for my upcoming mini-holiday. I plan to spend at least 1-2 days just resting...maybe reading my book, but NOT editing videos, maybe not even playing games. We'll see.
I'm in the home stretch.
August 17
I swear, there is a conspiracy against me in this
country. The DAY my vacation starts, I
get a nasty bit of sore throat, requiring more medicine, AND I pulled something
in my leg last night in ballet...ugh, this is frustrating.
As much as I might complain about some of the more frustrating aspects of life here, (today I had to go downstairs with an empty tank of water, refill it, then haul it back upstairs to have clean drinking water,) I believe I might actually be having a grass is greener situation with home. Some aspects will be undoubtedly better, but a lot of that love and affection may come from the idea itself rather than the reality.
I'll see when I get home.
As much as I might complain about some of the more frustrating aspects of life here, (today I had to go downstairs with an empty tank of water, refill it, then haul it back upstairs to have clean drinking water,) I believe I might actually be having a grass is greener situation with home. Some aspects will be undoubtedly better, but a lot of that love and affection may come from the idea itself rather than the reality.
I'll see when I get home.
Today, after doing some souvenir shopping for friends, I had
the weirdest bit of deja vu...when I was a few years younger and more
emotional, or romantic if you were, I'd dream a bit more if I was struck by a
person I'd seen. It happened again today
and I had to chuckle a little at the whimsical nature of my dreams. Dreams that will never come. Though, that's not really a downer
thing. I saw a girl today who I knew
nothing about and had no reason to talk to.
My mind just wandered and there we go.
It's weird and sometimes amusing to think about where your brain goes if
you just let it.
Trying to recover on my vacation, in spite of my illness. Today I did souvenir hunting and tomorrow I have banking. My plan is to use the last two days to actually recover and do nothing but game and marathon anime or series I enjoy. Or both.
Trying to recover on my vacation, in spite of my illness. Today I did souvenir hunting and tomorrow I have banking. My plan is to use the last two days to actually recover and do nothing but game and marathon anime or series I enjoy. Or both.
11 more work days out of 3 weeks remaining.
August 19
Customer service?
WHAT's THAT?! Today, after
struggling with my hot water meter for weeks and being told time and again that
I am a mentally damaged chimp who doesn't know how to use my charge card by the
main office, I finally call my agent, get a maintenance man up there and...get
told the same thing. APPARENTLY, the
meter either won't charge until I am bone dry without any hot water, OR it's
broken. Either way, they will not get
off their butts to fix it until one or the other happens.
And there is nothing I can do about this.
Say it with me, kids.
I hate living in this country.
And there is nothing I can do about this.
Say it with me, kids.
I hate living in this country.
Update: Look, I don't
want to get political, but I do want to actually speak my mind about something
that kinda makes me a little sad. Social
media is full of people who see some act of injustice in America or the
political circus that we have and are like "We live in Dystopia/this
country is watching us/we are all going to die" and I just have to shake
my head. China is not a dystopia. Neither is America. They both have problems and there are trade
offs. You wanna know a fun fact? A French man was butchered, in the streets,
by a man with a sword, who hated foreigners, last week here in Beijing.
Barely anyone talked about it in the Chinese or Foreign news, partly due
to the Tianjin explosion, which has been covered up slightly to reduce the
magnitude of the damage and irresponsibility, but also partly because the
collectivism here is strong and no one is bothered by it for the same reason
certain parts of America turn a blind eye to brutality.
Now, in America,
even with racism or prejudice, with social media, any evidence of brutality by
the police or by a nut job with a sword can be on tumblr in ten minutes or
less. Some people have apps for
that. In China...no. No twitter, no tumblr, no facebook, and the
approved social media is HEAVILY regulated, so you CAN be blocked. And the kicker? This guy walked into the street with a sword
and no one thought anything of it. In
the States, we'd have already called the police.
Now, some of you might think I'm bad mouthing China because I'm an American. Let me give you some fun facts. Who has the guns in China? Police and a few small collectors with very specific permits. How many gun related deaths are there in Beijing? Close to zero. So, yeah, it sucks that this event was censored and that lots of China is regulated...but it sucks that in America, countless thousands die because of gun violence each year. Trade. Offs. You wanna think you live in a dystopian country while you sip your cappuchino in Starbucks and text with your Iphone? Try living in a country where you can turn your faucet on and brown water pours into your sink. You wanna call dystopian on a country that censors the internet to a certain degree? Try living in a country where anyone can get a gun and walk into the street to kill someone if they so desire.
Perspective is all I want from you, people. Because while I may not like living in China, it is no dystopia. There are activities we should discourage, like the censorship or ddosing or religious persecution, but we could LEARN a lot from them too. And America, not a dystopia either. Stay vigilant, spread the news, but if you go around declaring the end of the world because something terrible happens, you're gonna have a hard...HARD future in this world...cause terrible things happen, but you know what? It beats a thousand years ago when the average life expectancy of men and women was in their 30s. Think about it.
Now, some of you might think I'm bad mouthing China because I'm an American. Let me give you some fun facts. Who has the guns in China? Police and a few small collectors with very specific permits. How many gun related deaths are there in Beijing? Close to zero. So, yeah, it sucks that this event was censored and that lots of China is regulated...but it sucks that in America, countless thousands die because of gun violence each year. Trade. Offs. You wanna think you live in a dystopian country while you sip your cappuchino in Starbucks and text with your Iphone? Try living in a country where you can turn your faucet on and brown water pours into your sink. You wanna call dystopian on a country that censors the internet to a certain degree? Try living in a country where anyone can get a gun and walk into the street to kill someone if they so desire.
Perspective is all I want from you, people. Because while I may not like living in China, it is no dystopia. There are activities we should discourage, like the censorship or ddosing or religious persecution, but we could LEARN a lot from them too. And America, not a dystopia either. Stay vigilant, spread the news, but if you go around declaring the end of the world because something terrible happens, you're gonna have a hard...HARD future in this world...cause terrible things happen, but you know what? It beats a thousand years ago when the average life expectancy of men and women was in their 30s. Think about it.
August 21
Well, another "fun" part of living in China,
that I didn't think about when I was actually looking for my own apartment, is
that close to your lease expiring, if you do not plan to renew it, people will
come to your house and ask to come look at it.
Sometimes they will have agents who speak English...sometimes not. For the most part, this is pretty harmless,
but when I'm laying down for a nap, or gaming, or eating lunch and I get a
knock on my door and it's someone who wants to look at my place...I get a mite
annoyed. In America, they would have a demo
apartment or use an empty one. In China? Screw your convenience, I guess.
Just for a bit of dated history, today North and South Korea started talks of a "semi" or a "quasi" war...over propaganda being broadcast at the border. Sigh...most of these threats seem to be pretty empty, but at the same time, I have to make a connecting flight in Seoul when I leave China to head to Japan, which is closer to the border of the North and South than I would like. I would like for this idiocy to be resolved before I go, but...I dunno, maybe I'll send a copy of my diaries home in case I don't make it. People might think that's morbid, but...I've kinda lived near the crazies for almost a year now and the closer you are, the more relevant it is to you. Pays to be prepared. However I'd like for this to be nothing, since I want to see my family, my cousin, my brother and his wife are expecting a kid, for god's sake...anyway, that's all for now. My vacation is over and I head back to work tomorrow, so...let's see how that goes.
Just for a bit of dated history, today North and South Korea started talks of a "semi" or a "quasi" war...over propaganda being broadcast at the border. Sigh...most of these threats seem to be pretty empty, but at the same time, I have to make a connecting flight in Seoul when I leave China to head to Japan, which is closer to the border of the North and South than I would like. I would like for this idiocy to be resolved before I go, but...I dunno, maybe I'll send a copy of my diaries home in case I don't make it. People might think that's morbid, but...I've kinda lived near the crazies for almost a year now and the closer you are, the more relevant it is to you. Pays to be prepared. However I'd like for this to be nothing, since I want to see my family, my cousin, my brother and his wife are expecting a kid, for god's sake...anyway, that's all for now. My vacation is over and I head back to work tomorrow, so...let's see how that goes.
August 25
I really will miss my students. I've tried hard to be a good teacher and for
the most part, my students have really shown appreciation for me, even signing
up for my game based activities in droves.
They're good people who wear me out, but still make me smile. Problem is, speaking of being worn out, I've
been suffering from burn out like crazy lately and the fact that Mondays are my
late days AND they've wrangled me into teaching 7 classes instead of the usual
5 with only 2 hours to plan, eat, and breathe...it doesn't help.
I'm fed up with living here, if I'm being honest. Most of that is just me, too. It's not a knock on Chinese culture because I
can see WHY people enjoy it here. The
cost is low, the food can be quite good, if you know the sights or the clubs,
it's great, and if my students are any indication, when you make a Chinese
friend, they are AWESOME. But...the poor
health conditions and the general frustrations have worn me out. I bought a light to replace one that was
burnt out today, for example. Right
size, right socket, still doesn't fit?
Why? Because the craftsmanship on
my lamp is a piece of ass and it won't allow me to screw in or screw out the
burnt out bulbs, even though I've done it in the past. Yeah...I'm not gonna miss that. I hope things settle down with the Koreas because
I still haven't heard back from people I've tried contacting about what to do
if things get crazy. My travel agency
helped me a lot in booking my flight, but...again, China and customer service DO NOT
MIX.
August 26
Oh customer service suuuuuuuuuucks, their customer service suuuuuuuuuuuucks, this is the China customer service song and it suuuuuuuuuuuuucks.
So, yeah, after a short binge of gaming, I use the bathroom and, huh, that's a funny sound. Go to wash my hands and...nothing. No hot water, no cold water. Without warning, apology, or explanation, the building's water has been turned off. Water I paid for. Can you see why using a meter is bloody stupid yet? I HATE this country's water and hygiene. It's deplorable and the fact that they can just do this whenever they damn well please annoys me to no end.
Oh customer service suuuuuuuuuucks, their customer service suuuuuuuuuuuucks, this is the China customer service song and it suuuuuuuuuuuuucks.
So, yeah, after a short binge of gaming, I use the bathroom and, huh, that's a funny sound. Go to wash my hands and...nothing. No hot water, no cold water. Without warning, apology, or explanation, the building's water has been turned off. Water I paid for. Can you see why using a meter is bloody stupid yet? I HATE this country's water and hygiene. It's deplorable and the fact that they can just do this whenever they damn well please annoys me to no end.
I have a small store of drinking water to keep me going,
but...3 more weeks. Breathe and exhale,
3 more weeks and I am free of this idiocy.
August 29
Stress has been creeping up on me, slowly and quickly all at
the same time. Today I only had 4
classes and felt like I was about to hit a brick wall all the way through
them. To be fair, my early students
didn't seem to care at all, which made it hard for me to encourage them to keep
trying...either way. I keep on keeping
on. I've felt like crying today. I really really have. I don't even know why, either. I've just felt so beaten and worn down. Yet I have to keep going.
Got my second to last paycheck and hoping that my math is
good so that I can get what I need and send extra money home. Dropped some money on gifts for my friends in
Japan and that about
completes my shopping in China.
I'm ready for a rest. God, do I need it.
I'm ready for a rest. God, do I need it.
August 31
Well, well, well...I told my agent and the office AND the
maintenance men that I couldn't add money to my hot water meter and today...it
ran out. And still no assistance. This is my surprised face. Sigh.
Customer service is not a thing in China. Still, I proved them that I'm not crazy, but
now I have to wait for my days off to get hot water. This country continues to frustrate me.
That said, I REALLY will miss my students. So many have not only been kind but very good to me. I got gifts from a few and others have offered to take me to dinner, while others are just glad that I'm here for a few more days. Speaking as a teacher, it CAN be very difficult work, especially if the students don't care or hit a block. However, when you get that one student who gives a damn, even if they aren't good or have trouble, it really invigorates you. Makes it worth while because you know you're helping, you're making a difference and you can see and feel it from the student's voice and face.
This, I think is my first time with the possibility of never returning somewhere and while I will not miss China, I may miss this job, hard though it has been. It makes me a tad nostalgic and sad. Either way, this is what needs to happen for me. Still, I will miss my students and said a potential goodbye to one of the staff. We'll see how my last 4 days go.
4 days, counting down.
That said, I REALLY will miss my students. So many have not only been kind but very good to me. I got gifts from a few and others have offered to take me to dinner, while others are just glad that I'm here for a few more days. Speaking as a teacher, it CAN be very difficult work, especially if the students don't care or hit a block. However, when you get that one student who gives a damn, even if they aren't good or have trouble, it really invigorates you. Makes it worth while because you know you're helping, you're making a difference and you can see and feel it from the student's voice and face.
This, I think is my first time with the possibility of never returning somewhere and while I will not miss China, I may miss this job, hard though it has been. It makes me a tad nostalgic and sad. Either way, this is what needs to happen for me. Still, I will miss my students and said a potential goodbye to one of the staff. We'll see how my last 4 days go.
4 days, counting down.
