To China and Back: A First Hand Guide to Reverse Culture Shock

To China and Back

A First Hand Guide to Reverse Culture Shock

If I'm being honest, I thought I was done writing about my time in China.  I have a diary for a whole year, a guide to living there, and a few choice words about the environment, but I find myself now writing again because lots of people will warn you about the culture shock you face when going to another country...people seldom warn you about what you have to face coming home.

First, I want to dispel a few rumors.  The first is that your stomach will be twisted in knots when you go back to your home town because you've been a year or two without the kind of food your town serves.  That's not really a thing.  I jumped right back into eating Mexican food, American burgers, American Chinese food, etc. without too many problems.  The most you can expect is some diarrhea, especially if you go from a country heavy on roughage, like good vegetables and grains, to a country more meat focused.  But it's not as big a problem as you might expect, you won't be sick for weeks from the cuisine.

Another rumor is that you will forget certain skills you've learned.  Most notably, driving.  While you will be a little rusty, chances are you can jump back into it with a little practice.  The longer the duration you are away, obviously, the more time it will take to re-acquaint yourself with your old skills, but I managed to start driving and cooking, two things I'd not done for almost a year, the day after I returned home.  So, not as hard as people might make you think.

The big thing I want people to take away though is the stress factor.  A lot of people might say, "Give them a week or two to catch up with their sleep and they'll be fine."  For some, this might be true, but for others...it can take far longer.  One thing I want people to know is that you SHOULD NOT oversleep after a change in time zones.  Try to stick with a 7-8 hour sleep routine, hopefully sleeping before midnight, and get back into it quickly.  You'll need to crash hard for the first week or so, but it should be pretty simple to get back into a routine.  I did not do this, however.  You see, from the moment I got home, I was harried and hurried to get all manner of things done and my sleep cycle suffered heavily.  Basically from the day after I landed in America, I was bombarded with the process of sending out resumes, applying for jobs, filling out an application for JET and moving furniture and boxes with my brother into his new house.

This screwed me big time.  After a change in time zones, especially if you've come off a stressful time in your life, you need to recover.  Remember what I said, don't stay in bed all day to recover, but do things that remind you why you came home to begin with.  Meeting with old friends, revisiting old locations that have meaning for you, walking, reading...being only mildly active physically or mentally, but a bit more so socially.  This will help recovery.  I know because it's damn near the only thing that's kept me going after I got hit by the stress train.

I do not recommend going into a huge, unpleasant change in life right after returning home from another country either, because this is where the reverse culture shock gets insidious.  You are going from a period of regularity in your previous country through a great tumultuous upheaval.  To safely adjust to a new status quo and life, you need to actually be able to establish a new status quo.  If you can have a job you are familiar with lined up, do it.  If you can have a permanent home lined up, do it.  If you can have a routine lined up, go with it.  For me, trying to make peace with these three factors has led me close to the verge of mental collapse more times than I can count.

Let's talk about a mental collapse as well.  The fact where it feels like your life is spinning out of control and you have nothing you can do.  Where you've scrambled into a job or a living space because you had to and it was available and you don't want to be in your current position, but you're stuck there.

These feelings of powerlessness are crippling.  People who suffer from anxiety or depression are much more likely to suffer from these if they don't slide into a routine.  If you can't set up a routine for work, exercise, and get a place of your own, it can easily overwhelm you.  I remember waking up in the middle of the night and just weeping into my hands, unable to sleep, because I had no power over my life and I had no way to fight back or take control.  Obviously, I'm trying my best with my job, which is INCREDIBLY poor for a routine schedule, as the schedule is variable and changes day by day, if not hour by hour.  Combined with environmental factors, it can really mess with you.

So, what can you do?  First, have a strong support system.  I often think that close friends are better than family here, because the first words out of my family's mouth aside from "Welcome back, we missed you!" were "So, have you thought about getting a job?"  Family, god bless them, want what's best for you, but often have no idea what you need right now.  They are going to be a mental strain on you as you try and follow through with your own plans while not disappointing them.  They will try to influence you, well intentioned but still...and it will be a huge drain.  Your friends, especially the ones you can trust, will just want to shoot the breeze with you and be glad you're here.  This is much healthier for the mental health of someone after a huge culture shift because it says that people love you and are not going to judge you or push you in a way you don't want to go.

Second, you need to have coping mechanisms.  No matter how good you are, stress is going to creep into your daily life, so books, video games, movies, internet shows...have a release valve.  You need something that will help you sleep or remind you that the world is worth fighting for.

Third, balance alone time and people time.  We all need time to gather our thoughts alone or to experience things in our private methods, but know that when you start having a break, you need to be with people.  I would have paid a lot to, at 4am when my first mental breakdown and weeping session of my return home, have had someone to talk to.  If you can, arrange this.  Have a best friend, or hell, even a friend in another time zone or country who understands what you're gonna be going through and who can talk you down.  I was lucky in that I have several friends who either are as depressed and anxious as I am or understand it enough to know what to say.  I was not lucky enough to have them awake when I had my breakdown.

Fourth, AVOID STRESSORS!  No one wants to get your life back in order more than you, trust me.  After having independence, freedom, and choice, and having to give that up to return to your friends and family without a solid way to move forward, no one wants to get things going more than you do...which is why you should avoid people who are going to put undue stress on you because it's only going to make your journey to that point of stability harder.  I have dealt with people since my return home who ignore, who are assholes, who cannot sympathize or understand, or worst of all, think they know better than you and try to force their ideas on you.  AVOID THESE AT ALL COSTS.  I know we need to go outside our bubbles to experience a full world, but go outside your bubble when you have a mattress under you, not a bed of spikes...because that's what it's like dealing with this stress.  Hanging over a bed of spikes, waiting for your fragile little bubble to pop.

One thing I want people to understand is that you need an outlet because the most dangerous part of both culture shock and reverse culture shock is it makes you unduly miss the place you just left without a solid reason.  You can make reasons for yourself and make excuses, but the truth is, your body chemistry is having a hard time adjusting and is pining for the memory of stability you used to have.  This is a trick and you need to avoid falling for it, because if you sign up for that second year of China or a permanent stay in the States after only being away from your previous country for a few weeks...you'll be doing it with impaired judgment.  On that same note, you will feel down.  You will feel low.  You will feel like you want to hurt yourself or even that you want to die if you get caught in the previously mentioned cycles of stress and helplessness, where stability and independence are long forgotten dreams.  You need to reach out for help to people who can give it to you.  Like I said, avoid those who simply cannot understand you because they will only compound your stress.  But the people who can and will support you, you need to reach out to and get either medical(professional) or personal help to solve this problem.

I don't take medicine for my issues, but some people may need it, especially after a change like this.

My final rule of thumb?  When your body says its time to crash, give it a little bit of rest, because it's trying to catch up with the stress you've taken into your life.  An example.  After a poor nights sleep and teaching 3-4 classes in the morning, my body desperately wanted a nap around 1pm because it was just burnt out.  I shouldn't indulge a 3 hour sleep, but a 30-minute to 1 hour nap might just help get through the rest of the day.  Especially if your work day isn't over yet. 

Stress builds up.  You may not always feel it and you may not always know, but it clings to you like your shadow and it will not let you go...so, like a fever, you have to sweat it out and regulate it, not let it put you out of commission.  Find your outlet valves and get people who can help you from ingesting too much stress into your body.  Stress and depression after a culture change are a lot like a mental disease and that is not meant to be a bad thing or something you need to be ashamed of.  No stigma.  It means you need help.  Others should be willing to give you help or you should distance yourself from them because they're not healthy for you at this moment in time.

If you can't push through the stress to find stability and regularity, it WILL build up inside you like a poison.  Times like this, you may become as if you're truly sick because you simply cannot function...and if it gets this bad, you NEED rest, because it's just like being sick...mental illness is no less serious than physical illness.  If you build up too much poison in your body and don't get it treated or give your body time to fight back, then...it will kill you.  Stress does that...

One last thing.  Don't be ashamed of needing a crutch, but do try to keep yourself from falling into bad habits.  If you need that ice cream or trashy novel or brain dead movie to get through the day?  Do it...your body's stress levels sometimes need that junk food, mental, physical, or emotional.  It's comforting and comfort is a way that you can help regulate and fight back against your stress...it's a way of taking care of yourself.  Don't make a habit of downing a big bag of chips and a soda for breakfast as a way to comfort yourself, because that's going to hurt you in the long run, after you start to regain stability...but if you need a treat one day to keep going...do not feel ashamed.

Never feel ashamed for needing help or asking for people to understand.  You are not stupid.  You are not weak.  You are special and valuable and necessary to the world.  And no matter how strong someone is, everyone needs help sometimes.  This will pass, but don't feel bad for needing help and always, ALWAYS remember...this is not your fault.  Stress, reverse culture shock or any other kind, is like a disease that infects you.  When you need to make these changes, it is not your fault.  Don't let anyone force that guilt on you.

I hope that someone who reads this can find some help from it, because when I wrote this, I was still suffering.  I was trying to find a different job from my current one that will offer me more stability than what I had and to stand on my own to regain my independence.  When you are in a state of helplessness, your stress is going to build up even faster, so you're going to need more and more help to resolve and deal with it.  I know...this was my hell...but it will not be forever.  This time will pass.

Forewarned is forearmed, everyone.  Be prepared for what happens when you have a cultural shift or a major change opens up in your life.  You can do this.  I believe in you.

Take care.

Before we part ways though, a little addendum to help you know when you need help: These are my first hand signs of an oncoming mental break.
Signs of a mental break:

Hey guys.  Figured I should add this little addendum to my guide because it can sometimes be hard to tell basic stress from a mental breakdown and, rest assured, when you have a break, you NEED to seek help.  So, I want to actually recount my experiences with my mental breakdowns, since I've had more than one.

First mental breakdown followed an extreme amount of stress and feelings of helplessness.  It manifested itself late at night with insomnia.  The first signs were an aversion to sleep based on a mental state of pointlessness.  The feeling that sleep was pointless because you have no future or no path to follow.  This is followed up by feelings of inadequacy and a desire to travel, a desire to escape from your current situation.  As I lay awake on my bed that night, I wanted to get in my car and go somewhere.  Away from all my current stress and my current situation.  It led to watering eyes and outright weeping in a manic way.

There was no way for me to reconcile this and go to sleep.  When this happens, you need comfort.  Food, I don't recommend due to the lateness of the night, so if your mental breakdown is happening at night, I recommend a little water, books, preferably something nostalgic that will put you in a good mood, and some form of media.  When you have these feelings, the  most common problems are loneliness and a lack of ability to reach out and make contact with other people.  Human contact can be difficult if you have this break at night.  If you have someone you can really trust, I do recommend contacting them, but if that's not possible, a movie or a talk show or some kind of video that has lots of talking is a decent substitute.  I recommend comedy, especially ones that have people either facing the camera or speaking directly to the audience, like in a commentary on a movie, because the idea that someone is talking to you is very powerful and helps greatly with the feelings of loneliness.  This is mostly a bluff on your body and your mind to help you get through the night, so the next day you can seek the help you need.  Let something play on your computer or tv and lay down, close your eyes, and if you can't sleep, rest.  Even if this doesn't make you go to sleep, it's at least giving your body a chance to recharge and since stress is mental damage, it needs the maintenance.

My second mental breakdown was MUCH more severe.  It followed some of the warning signs I told you about in my guide, such as feelings of worthlessness and helplessness, especially those precipitated by stressors or people who didn't know any better.  This led to initial anger, but the feelings of worthlessness piled on so much that the anger burns away to indecision and most cripplingly, despair.  It leaves someone with a desire to escape, like before, but it also numbs the body and cripples thinking processes, leaving you indecisive and lethargic.  You can still get through your day at work, in theory, but anything beyond rote memorization or muscle memory, like driving a car, can be dangerous because your body and brain will be impaired.  I tried to cope with this in a way similar to my previous breakdown, using video games as an outlet valve, however like I said with stress being like a poison, the buildup here was too great and too rapid.  I ended up, with every death in the game, hearing "It's your fault!" and breaking into fits of manic sobbing and laughing.  Alongside this, I beat my arms and legs in self flagellation, which is VERY BAD FOR YOU.  This is something to avoid because it can lead to self harm and even suicidal thoughts or actions, so please talk to someone before it gets this bad.  When you start feeling that slowdown, like your life has just shut down, you are going to need to talk and find an outlet, because stewing is bad for you.

For me, I didn't have an outlet and I was close to several very high level stressors.  In this case, I had the good sense to reach out to someone, several people actually, and one answered.  My mother.  This was the right call.  When you have a break like this, you are not just sick, but crippled and wasting away.  Trying to stand on your own is not just risky, but it hampers your recovery a great deal.  You NEED to lean on someone after a breakdown.  One thing I found helpful during this time was to keep moving, either driving or walking.  It's best to do this with a friend or supporter, because someone can catch you if you fall, but no one likes to sit because it gives you a chance to wallow in your despair, which is a slippery slope.

When you have this kind of severe breakdown, usually your life has taken a nasty turn and you want to correct it, ASAP.  First, someone else helping you should not correct your life for you.  They should help, listen, and offer understanding and support, but not solve the problem for you.  Because chances are the problem can't be solved that simply.  If they could, they wouldn't have led to a break.  Still, let them try to figure it out until they run out of ideas, but DO NOT let them wallow in despair.  Try to help them come to terms with their sorrow through understanding and support.  The words, "You're sick.  Let us help you," "It's not your fault," or "I'm here for you.  I'll help you however I can," especially if you mean it, are the BEST things you can say.  Even then, it may not be enough.

This happened to me during the day and my mother was right to think that comfort food would make the situation better.  Gellato and chocolate help A LOT.  Recovery is slow and it can take hours to start feeling a bit more in control and a bit more like you can face the problem in the future.  It's important to recognize that you can't fix it in one day, but you can start towards fixing it.  Following this, you will be weak, bodily and emotionally, for at least 12 hours, if not several days.  You need to take this time to rest.  Mentally taxing activities and emotional strain should be avoided.  Being with friends who don't force this on you is HIGHLY recommended.  But if you're not able to hang with friends, getting comfort food and resting in bed is acceptable.  Rest may be required for several days to recover.  During this time, seek help.  I mean, professional help.  If you've had a break this bad, you NEED someone who can help you deal with and regulate your life.  There is zero shame in this, it's like going to a doctor for the flu or for any other sickness.  Do it for yourself and those around you.

Most importantly, you're going to need space, especially from your stressors.  Take that space and be a hermit for a little bit if need be.

Some of you might look at these experiences and say this is more like a panic attack or what have you.  You're missing the point.  This is something detrimental to your health and you need to find a way to deal with it.  This advice is meant to give you an idea of what it can be like and working through it.  As well as helping those around you understand what you will need.  No matter the name, if this happens to you, you need support.  Make sure you get it.

Take care everyone.