Working in China Month 11: July 2015

July 2015 

July 4

This is going to be and has been a rough week.  I am still amazed at the startlingly awful quality of the toilets in this damn country.

I'm tired and annoyed from my workload and stress and to try and fix a mistake I made with the wall of my home, I went to a Wal-mart in search of spackle.

Wal-mart?  You mean Wu-mart, Carrefour, BHG, whatever the hell...it's NOT a Wal-mart...it has the logo, but it's just another Chinese style store.

So, I'm stuck probably paying out of my deposit for the damages.  And fun fun fun, I'm almost out of electricity, so I need to get up early on Monday, which is a work day, and go to my bank to refill.  And fun fun fun fun in an attempt to try and get money home, I'm gonna have to wire it on Tuesday.

Now, I have a very good, saintly, god bless you woman, friend who is going to help me with this, but I'll have to be up mega early to get to the bank on time, and perhaps have between a 1-3 hour wait...before returning home to collapse...god I hate this country and its paperwork.

I did not get to see any of my family or friends for the fourth nor did I have that much fun.  I'm going to make up for it when I get home...I just want to go home.

China's food is great.  A lot of other things...are not.

July 7
Christ it's been a rough week.  From the Wal-mart idiocy, to personal drama, to the bank's timing, it's been rough.  I had to get up early on Monday, which IS a work day, and go to the bank to get money for my electricity...which did not accept it until after 1pm today.  So that was worrying.

Then I had my late day, monday, and had to get up even EARLIER to go to a bank near work today.  God, I hate the subways in the morning.  Crammed so tightly that I can't move and I can barely breathe...god damn this city.

Thank heavens for my friend.  She's a Chinese woman who's not only adorable, but super duper kind and she took her morning to help me with my banking...I'm buying her a ton of ice cream later to repay her.  The banking was like going to the DMV.  Tons of beauracratic horse crap and being sent from one person to another to another.  It took us about two hours to get 500 dollars changed from RMB to USD and sent to my bank...fingers crossed that it arrives safely.  In theory, I can try to do this next time via electronic banking...which I will try once I know my money arrived safely, but if not, I can go back to this bank once a week to handle this business, since they have a record of me now.  But it takes roughly 30 dollars to transfer 500 overseas...god, that is terrible.  That is me throwing money into a fire...but I'll feel safer when it's home.

I'm not gonna make it stateside with 5000...I've had to reconcile that...I can still hope for 4000.

Ugh...this city is very frustrating.  Beijing is not a place for sissies...you gotta work hard to survive here.  Surviving is about all I can do now.

July 9

My family want me to try to be positive about China, but honestly, it is very hard.  Not necessarily because China is bad, per se, but because it is not suited to my taste...or rather, I am not suited to its taste.

My students are a joy, that I give you, but much of my life is filled with mundanity and frustration.  Today is a prime example where the office politics and "good natured ribbing" left me with a migraine.  Nevertheless, I agreed to help someone else who needed me to work an extra day to ensure they could go on holiday with their family.  I accepted because...well, who else would?  It's the path of the Sentinel that I choose to walk in order to keep people from sadness, if I can.  Still, this has been a frustrating month to deal with people.

My Chinese friends are a true joy, though I know some worry about us staying in contact after I part ways with them.  I always respond to email and the one who helped me with my bank affairs I will always try to keep contact with.  She is wonder and I would be foolish to throw away her friendship.  Still, with personal and professional issues becoming headaches, it is not hard to see why I am so down in many of these entries, is it?  This country is not for me.  Not bad, but not for me.  It is as simple as that, I feel.

And that's fine.  If nothing else, I feel I've gotten to learn a bit more about myself, self sufficiency, asking for help, and what friendship really means, as I've had to deal with frustrations over the year and outright attacks from some.  It is a long journey still, but though hard, I have gained from it, though the victories often feel a tad pyrrhic.

I will miss my students though...frustrating as teaching can be, a good class laughing and having fun with you is worth a great deal.

July 10

Oh, HELL YES!  My wire transfer went through!  Tomorrow, I try it again online instead of in person, but either way, this is an amazing twist of fate for me.  It worked!  I can send money home!  I'm a crap load less worried now.

July 11

Well...today was an experience.  First, one of my co-workers came in late, so I was asked, as I walked in the door, to cover his class which started in 4 minutes.  Luck would have it that I had prepared for it the previous night, since I was also teaching that class later.  Apparently, I saved the day since I was the only teacher with a free hour, but good god, the stress.

That ended up fine, but on my way home, a random Chinese woman yelled at me in the subway for being a filthy foreigner.  It's...amazing how little this affects my life.  Lots of people build up the importance the response of the interplay of cultures in these situations, but really, I lacked the power or the desire to communicate with her, since she spoke in Chinese, and...she was entering, I was leaving.  I just shrugged and let her yell, it's not like I knew her or whatever.

Life is chaotic, but it is going well, though this week is still less than half over.  I have many more things to do before I retire from China to Japan, so until later, I sign off.

Update:

China.  Is.  A.  Dinosaur.  I...words fail me at the sheer technical ineptitude on open display when trying to simply do some basic bloody online banking.  For starters, only IE.  No Firefox or Chrome, no, all of China's banks are stuck in the 20 years ago mindset and use the slowest, most obsolete, worthless internet service since AOL.  Problem the second, you need a USB shield to actually even access your online account.  Problem the THIRD, even WITH the USB shield, your account fails to authenticate and you CANNOT do online banking...WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THE DAMN SERVICE THEN?!

This country...oh my god, this country...

July 13

I went to the bank again today and while the process was much faster, I was still stuck waiting for other expats and for the banks, which stop all exchange services around noon...god...it wasn't all bad though.  I've hopefully updated the USB shield...we'll see.  If it works, it's great, if not...six more trips.  I also got to meet a lovely young woman who worked hard to help me.  While not necessary, the gesture was nice.  In Beijing, customer service is the exception, not the rule...it is kind of sad...so this young woman who helped and was interested in the idiot foreigner was very refreshing.  Reminds me of my students.  The younger generation are changing the way the world thinks, slowly and that makes me happy to be a part of it all.

I was so exhausted today though...so much work at the bank, late day at school, and to top it all off, another super grandpa has passed.

Satoru Iwata died shortly before I headed off to work today...it was...it's given me pause.  The man was truly a legend and a great, kind, amazing exec.  I'll miss him.  Nintendo will miss him.  We'll all miss him.

Given everything that's been going on lately, I miss my DnD friends...I wanna roll up a campaign with them and try to be a spellcaster...I epicly failed last time, but I wanna try again and go full Dragon...it would be cool.

I miss my friends.

July 14

Another day, another trip to my tailor to fix my clothes.  I'm tired.  It's six days in a row now of work.  However, my efforts did not go unrewarded.  Apparently for my work with the ballet, covering shifts for others, and basically saving the day when others are late, I was awarded the title of Star Teacher for July.  It's a nice little honor and I get a 100 RMB gift card for my soda addiction.  It's nice and quaint.

Now, it is time for my weekend and I am gonna crash hard.

July 25

Frustration mounts on all sides.  My pipes have been acting up, as they are wont to do when maintenance is happening.  It frustrates me greatly.  I've been trying to break from the game, Hearthstone, which is actually detrimental to my health, causing fever, headaches, and stress beyond all words, screaming to the point of being hoarse.

I broke from it once and now I have removed the game from my computer.  I hope never to return...it is not something I can stomach.

Dealing with electronics in China is a nightmare, especially buying things online.  I tried to buy an online game tonight and spent almost a full hour being blocked by the country I was in and shoddy security measures on the part of Valve and Steam which locked me out of my OWN account.

Ballet will be increasing to twice a week now and I can already feel my legs aching.  I also have Mondays where, instead of sleeping late, I have to go into the bank and try to get money sent stateside.  It wears on me, day by day, and all this stress, I can feel building.

I've survived worse, but the slow drag of time is making me exhausted beyond words.  Three weeks left before my last great vacation.  Then, two weeks before I reach my last day.  I have close to six weeks left in China.

I am counting down.

July 29

As July comes to a close I find myself in an odd position.  I've been pushed to the brink of exhaustion these last few weeks, to where I can barely get any sleep or enjoy my down time...and yet, my schedule hasn't really changed, so much of that lies with home life.  I'm trying to get more rest and head to bed early, if not to sleep, then at least to lie idle and recover.  I've been a bit grouchier than I might like, trying to balance responsibilities at work with the prospect of job hunting at home, navigating my trip to Japan, editing my book, yes I am still writing, and video editing on my days off, with time in there at some point to play video games and not lose my faith in the human race.

I know I've come off as a bit gloomier or grouchier or more cynical to some friends than I meant to and for that I am very sorry.  I've kind of decided to try and make a concerted effort to be more vocal about the things that make me happy in life, because there are quite a large number of them, from video games that I get to work in spite of the technical wizardry, to the people I love, to the animes which should not be but are that I must simply marvel at.

I am going to try and be more positive.  The truly ironic thing about that is that for all the gloom people sometimes see, I'm one of the more optimistic people out there, never truly giving up on the individual's power to do good or grow.  Just a few days ago I had a delightful chat about religion, humanity, and the nature of being a good person with one of my Chinese students which makes me ever so glad to be a teacher.  But still, I shouldn't just quietly be the defender of joy in the shadows, I should try and spread the love a bit more.  So, I will try.

That said, I am a bit exhausted by everything.  I have 4 more trips to my bank on Mondays where I work late to try and get my money overseas.  You can see why I am concerned, yes?  Either way, I also have vacation coming up before my big overseas trip, so that's good as well.

Life in China is winding down for me over the next month, but I do still have a few adventures left in me, somehow.

July 31

The best paaaaaaart of waking up, is no water in your cuuuuuup.  So, funny story, even though I paid for my water, management decided it would be fun to turn off my hot water until 3pm today.  You need a hot shave or a shower?  Well screw you, buddy.  And to top that all off, my cold water, is cloudy and dirty.  It is disgusting looking and I fear using it for cooking, so I have to skip my breakfast.

God bless China.

Seriously, I want to go home.

Update:
So, before I ring out July, me tell you how this story ended.  There was a hot water pipe burst, locking me out of water I paid for.  More than that though, the dirty water?  That is the government's responsibility.  The cloud, disgusting, sputtering dirty water is what the government wants me to cook and clean with.

When I got home from work, I turned on the faucet, because the pipes are full of crap, give them some minutes to clear, and the water literally turned turd brown for a few seconds.  Rust, excrement, you be the judge, but from here on, that water is never going in me, in any form.

This country, man...I am still amazed at the health standards here.

Working in China Month 10: June 2015

June 2015

June 2

I regret that my June is starting off with such stress.  I need to refill electricity at the bank.  I need to refill my water.  I need medicine and treatment from my doctor.  I am very exhausted.  I've been feeling lonely and isolated from those back home, lately.  Even if the mind understands that others have their own lives, the heart has a desire to be wanted.  My doctor says that recognizing that is a step of growth on a spiritual journey.  I think of it as simply maturing.  It's why I hold my tongue on many matters...though that does not ease the pain, always.

Plans are being made for my trip to Japan.  I am looking forward to visiting with friends.  One, who loves her camera, is dear to me, like a sister.  We do not talk much, but there is a wonderful whimsy and innocence to her that always makes me enjoy our little talks.  I need to settle on dates and times.  I am also making plans for my future and my career.  Times will be busy.  I need to finish my writing and take a rest.

Perhaps there will be improvement soon.  My AC SHOULD be fixed soon...we will see, won't we?

June 3

I'm a bit more burnt out than usual and my mechanic had to be paid, which I was not told about.  HOWEVER...my AC does work as it should again.  I can feel the cold air flowing onto me, alongside my fan.  I think I might now finally be able to sleep easy again.  I am not ecstatic, but extremely relieved.  I'm hopeful things will get better for the last 3 months in China.

Now...I finished a rather emotional anime series and I quite enjoyed it this night...however I don't have anyone to talk to about it since the friend who encouraged me to watch it is kinda dealing with parents right now.  Bit sad for me because lately the norm for anime or games is, I play them, no one to talk to.  I would like to share my views or thoughts...it actually makes me resonate with and understand some people who just spout their opinions willy nilly.  Still...a bit frustrating.

Still, the series itself was quite charming, so I am satisfied.

June 7

My week may be shorter due to an event I have to go to on Monday, but I'm not exactly thrilled.  I'm low on sleep, high on frustration and dearly desiring to lash out at someone who doesn't deserve it.  I haven't and, god willing, I won't but it's frustrating.  My brain knows full damn well that I'm exhausted and I don't want to be mean to people I like, even if I am being ignored or neglected or whatever victimizing phrase you want to go with.  However my body chooses to make me feel like crap, be overly emotional, and makes me daydream about when all my friends will betray and abandon me, like some did so long ago.  It gnaws at me.

I just want...I guess when I'm not needed, being the stalwart and silent, as befits a sentinel, doesn't sit well with me.  I want to be needed...I want people to remember that I exist, but most of them...just don't.

Surviving that is part of growth...but good lord is it hard.

June 8

Well, the teacher's forum today, was...surprising.  I was expecting it to be frustrating, and it was to a degree because I won't use some of what I learned and was forced into classes I didn't want, but someone brought a PS4 and we got to play some games, get free food, talk to people...was okay.

And when I got home, I found a story I wrote online had a tribute made to it in art form.  You know...I've been writing for well over eight years.  Not all my work is good, but I like to think it's different and I keep growing.  In all that time, I've never had someone treat my writing with such reverence...it feels nice.  It's...something I'd like to keep having.  Yeah, it's fan based writing, but still...someone cared.  That's precious, you know?

Anyway

June 9

Yes, this is right after the last post.  Just want to say, screeeeeeeew the atms here.  I had to deposit 12000 rmb into my land lords account today and the damn machine kept refusing to take my bills...for some reason.  It'd take more than half, but that wasn't enough.

China is still bloody archaic in many ways.  For all the advances in public transportation or the like, people still used old fashioned bikes and scooters for transport, crappy atm and bank practices, god only knows if there's checking here, and arcane practices.  Today, they banned like 36 animes online.  I care very little, since screw the Chinese internet, I have a VPN, but still...the censorship, the archaic practices...it's just stupid sometimes and makes me glad that I'll be going home soon.

June 14

Today was awful.  I felt sick and had a stomach bug early in the day.  More than that, because another teacher, with HIGHLY customized lessons, called in sick while I was in and I got saddled with some of his classes.  God give me strength, I feel worse every week.  I've been listening to Welcome to Night Vale to try and find some enjoyment in my subway rides these days.  It certainly gives me a few laughs and plenty of things to think about, but...

I'm more frustrated than anything, lately.  With lots of things.  The internet is a pile of ass here, as is per usual.  More than that though, people...I feel more expendable as the days pass.  I have plenty of people who don't want me to go, but that too is trying...and the people who are blase and tactless well...it drains me, trying to do the right thing and remain a good person.

That too is another thing.  How often have I tried to do the right thing, only to be screwed in the end?  I want to be like Rorschact from Watch Men some days...to look down at the world, crying up for my salvation and simply say...no.  You do not deserve it.  I've been hard wired from youth to act as a knight and a sentinel, but it makes my own life harder.

I.  Am.  Tired.  But that won't stop me from doing the right thing and helping my staff and my students.  It's my way.

Thankfully, I know I have some who stand by me, but still...it is an exhausting time.

June 15

Sick again.  God.  Damn.  This.  Country.  Ugh...another 100RMB dropped on medicine and another frustrating day of teaching while feeling like death.

I have never called in sick from work, despite being sick over a dozen times.

Ugh...so tired.

June 18

Well, it's been a day.  I've been going through more stress in the past few days than most humans should in any given month.  Booking a hotel, two plane tickets, dealing with stress and technical issues, and going into a mild panic attack about the possibility of losing my deposit on my apartment, due to, get this, poster tape.

Sigh...I still don't know a lot about what's going on...I can only speculate.  I will have to drop about 1,200 dollars for my plane tickets, close to 300 for my hotel in Japan, another 60-100 for a hotel in China THE NIGHT BEFORE I LEAVE, and to top all that off, something went haywire in the AC in my school today and the scent of death was pumped into one of my classrooms, forcing us all to abandon it.

If I get at least half my deposit back, I'll be satisfied...I did do some minor cosmetic damage to the walls and it is only just that I pay for that, if I can't fix it.  But...I've been screwed a lot lately and it seems like my estimate of 5000 coming home is gonna get downgraded to 4500 or even 4000.  That is disappointing.  I know my family will keep me up, but...I wanted to come home with more of a cushion.  More room to visit with friends and family and treat the people I love, if only once.  I wanted to be able to buy a Wii U when I got a new place and, yeah, I'll still be able to do that, in theory, but...but...right now, the stress is getting to me.

It's been a long day.  Panic attack has not been fun, because I couldn't just get it out of my system.  I had to endure it and try to resolve the problems with my apartment.  Which I think I have, but still...frustrating.

June 21

Oh god...I got a holiday on the 20th, but...not sure you'd call it a standard holiday.  I tried removing the adhesive from my walls to regain as much of my deposit as possible so now one of my walls is barren...not nearly as bad as my hands though.  I borrowed a hair dryer from a friend and it HELPS loosen the caked on adhesive due to the heat, but you need the oil from skin, or some other solvent, along with a good amount of force and pressure to pry the bastards loose...and in the process of doing this a good 7-9 times, my hands just said, "No, we're done."  I ripped the skin on 5 fingers and one palm and it only stopped there because I was in so much pain I had to stop.  But I cleared one wall...just one more to go...ugh.

I had dinner with a friend because of the holiday and we went to my special restaurant, where we ate ourselves sick.  The next day was stupid because of how annoying work can be and also because of the computers, which decided to crap out for first period...when I was teaching.  Sigh.  Annoying.  I'm healing right now and more people I know are busy, moving on with their lives.  So, once again I feel alone.  Got my family, at least, who I'll talk to on Tuesday, but...it's been a rough time...and I've still got a wall to clear and a little over 2 months to survive.  Pray for me.

June 24
Bowel problems.  I've had issues with digestion since the holiday but thankfully a trip to my doctor seems to have cleared it up a little bit.  I'm sick of being sick.  Spent a lot of time today prying more posters and poster tape off the walls.  If I can find spackle at the Wal-mart, the walls should make a full recovery and, so should my deposit.  Either way, I'm very tired and a bit lonely.  Everyone has their hurry hurry hurry summer time activities going on, be it camps, training, jobs, what have you.  So, no time to talk to Stephen.  Not much point in being sad or salty though, since I've been so stressed and panicked my time has been pretty limited too, lately.

Would like to take a minute to spotlight a person I know though.  A combination of watching Bloodbourne on the PS4, which I don't own, and reading about Scientology, which is one of the most abhorrent cults I've heard of in a while, I was actually brought to a friend I know who we shall simply call mister C.  He is, quite simply, probably the world's perfect human.

I've known mister C since high school and he gets along with pretty much anyone, without sacrificing his individuality.  He also doesn't force his likes upon other people.  He's one of the rare people I've met who can fervently disagree politically or ideologically with a person but still remain friends and not get nasty, simply because he thinks that it's not worth losing a friend over ideas.  I think about him lately because while he and I were never closest buds, drinking every night or what have you, he's a good dude who's pretty much the opposite of Scientology, accepting of others despite faults and not alienating people just because they believe something different than him.

Also, he promised to loan me his PS4 when Kingdom Hearts 3 comes out, after he plays it of course, since I don't wanna buy one.  I might compromise on Bloodbourne with him to let me buy the game and play it, then just give him the game when I return his PS4.

That's why I was thinking of that.  Seriously though, he's a great guy with a cool wife who are both awesome people.  Can't wait to see them when I get back to the States.

June 29

Oh god...so tired, so stressed.  I feel sick almost every day, but at varying levels.  A slight cough here, a sore throat there...screw this country.

I finally managed to pry the adhesive from my walls, mostly securing my deposit back.  For those curious, heat from a hair dryer, a cloth that will not rip, a TON of elbow grease to thin out and uproot the adhesive, and then good old fashioned skin to get the last bits, because the oil, friction, and force of skin pries it loose.  Then, a sponge to wipe over and clean, followed by a cloth.  Not easy, but it does work.

I'm paying for my tickets to my flight tomorrow.  China's stupid friggin direct deposit system, makes me super uneasy, as I have to literally dump money into an ATM and it makes me feel like I'm throwing it away...the agency should be on the up and up though, my mom's friend used them to travel and I've been in talks with them before and met people from it, so yeah, it should be fine...but good god, China, I can't pay with a card?  Really?

Ugh...anyway, trying to get information about sending money home as well and it is so bloody tedious.  If I can find a bank to do a transfer, great, but chances are I'll have to store up and take out like 3000 dollars American and just take it with me to pay the bank for the wire...it feels stupid and again, sketchy.  I SHOULD be able to use my ATM card there, but everyone's got me jumping at shadows now and I'd rather know that it's safe in my bank account...reminds me, I need to get info from that too.  Will check on that tomorrow, hopefully if I can remember.

Oh, and I have revisions to make on the video I did for my company...god hates me.

June 30
My previous statement about god hating me seems...oddly appropriate now.  I'm tired.  Last day with my Chinese medicine doctor before he moves to the States, dumping a massive amount of money into an ATM and waiting for the approval of my travel agent to make sure they got it, and to top it all off, life throws me another curve ball.

Look, people, I'm not subtle.  I don't like the kinda crap where you say something and people are supposed to know you're insulting another person or making some commentary about life or whatever.  So, I'm not gonna go into big details and for god's sake, don't think I'm hinting at anything.  If I had a beef with someone, I'd keep it between us, as is cordial and decent.  Right now, I'm just emotionally very tired and very worn out.  I don't think I'm a bad person and GOOD GOD did it take me a long time to think that.

I grew up believing that the world hated me, except for my family who are wonderful, and that I needed to strike out against it and stand alone and blah blah blah...now, I understand that humans are not islands, my bridge story should make that clear.  I'm not a perfect person by any means, but I'm trying...I try and I learn and I keep on going.  I'm glad that I've got a better self image of my self because it means I'm growing and I WILL survive these kinds of rough situations.  But it's not easy.  More than anything here in China, I've had to learn to stand by myself, emotionally, physically, and mentally and it's been hard.

I will survive this trial, though it hurts me a great deal.  I've survived worse.  Sigh...I'm just tired for now because I don't have anyone to talk to about this.  And I won't do it here.  I don't gossip, I don't dish the dirt, I don't want someone else to feel bad for doing what they had to, whether it was nice or not, whether it was right or not.

There.  End of June.

Working in China Month 9: May 2015

May 2015

May 2-3

Well, one of my co-workers is leaving to head home.  Kinda sad, since it's clear she wanted to stay, but couldn't bear a short vacation to the UK.  She offered to come back after a 3 month hiatus, but that just wasn't happening, because we'd be without for a full 3 months.

Either way, we had her going away party the other night at a local bar.  I will never understand why space trumps comfort.  We go from the inside with AC and cushioned chairs to aluminum seats on the side of the road.  For like 2 extra people we could fit inside anyway.  Whatever.  The food was good, but as is usual for China, spicier than I would like.  As usual, I was the first to leave the party.  I don't do the social scene much and after about an hour and a half, I was done.  Besides, I had work in the morning and lived the farthest away of the lot.  I usually leave first cause it's not my scene and when I've worn out my welcome, screw social expectations, I just wanna go.

Now, that having been said, I feel it important to reiterate how god awful customer support is in China.  Or for that matter, co-worker support.  We have an IT department at my work place and they basically sit with their hands in their laps, ignoring the requests we have to fix our CONSTANTLY failing computers.  I even got locked out of the ability to make IT requests by them and it was only me, showing they were trying to make us forget about it.  No, morons.  When 3 computers are unusable and we are at our limit for computers that the staff can use, you get off your butt and do your damn job.  The sad thing is that employees here can lie, manipulate, or even ignore work and if they're not teachers, they get away with it because of beauracracy.  Such BS.

This is not a country I really wanna stay in for longer than my contract.  I gave my word, so I'm here for 4 more months now, but China is not my home.

May 6
Something that would make life just that little bit better is a little BLOODY WARNING!  Anxiety is a difficult thing for me and some of my friends to deal with so having someone spring news on us is frustrating, yet even on my off days I keep getting annoying things sprung on.  I had to put in extra time on my day off today to try and finish editing a rough cut of a video I'm making to assist in training with my company and...Ugh.  I had to because they wanted that rough cut ready by Friday and only told me on Wednesday.  And other BS I have to deal with via email.  We really don't get enough notification of changes in our lives.

On less crappy news, I've started writing fan fics again.  It's been...god, almost ten years, I think.  I used to do it as part of a social community for Konami, before they went pants on head crazy, but...focused more on my personal writing since then.  Thankfully, much of what I learned during my time writing helped me to write fan fics and for once, I actually got some recognition and praise from people.  Now, my benefactor is a sweet, sweet person, but still, the very act of being praised for my writing has...been lost to me for many years.  I kept trudging along with my book because I wanted to finish it, but no one ever praised me for it or showed any sign of enthusiasm.

Yet here I am, feeling on top of the world, over a little praise for a ship of TV characters I made on a whim out of respect for an artist online.  I do have to curb my enthusiasm so as not to get a swelled head, but...that kind of encouragement is what can feed a writer and keep them going.  I think I might make a few more, just on more whims.  It's...nice.

May 7

While talking with one of the other teachers about people doing bad things and the few who try to help others, I had a realization about WHY I go out of my way for others when really, I should focus more on myself.

When I was a kid, I was bullied.  Like CRAZY bullied.  And no one helped me.  Now, I could have taken that anger and used it as a way to perpetuate the cycle of hurting others or I could break the chain.  And that's what I've kinda chosen to do, most of the time.  I try to help others to break the chain of anger and sadness left by those who hurt and those who refuse to help.  No one was there for me, so rather than being bitter, I want to prevent others from knowing the same anguish.

It is, the Sentinel's way.

May 9
I really don't like certain types of people.  And we have one or two at my work.  When someone is worked near to the bone, I had 5 classes, an hour long meeting, an hour long feedback session for an impromptu observation, and only an hour for lunch yesterday and today I was doing basically 6 classes and an Oral Placement Test...when someone is THAT damn near collapse, you show some friggin compassion.

Not sure if the seems are the same as the truth, but I am getting pretty worn down here.

May 12

I've burned through most of my anger and when anger is no more, there is sadness and exhaustion.  Thankfully, by today most of that's over and done with and I can start living again.

I finished the training video I was working on for my company and I think it turned out alright, though some bells and whistles had to be tweaked or I'd have to do the whole thing over again.

On top of that, there's a new kickstarter by Koji Igarashi for the spiritual successor to the Castlevania series, you know, since Konami has no idea what the hell to do with it.  I've not felt so excited in ages.  I could barely move last night but when I got the news, I felt so full of energy, like I hadn't been since Keiji Inafune basically revived Megaman with Mighty No. 9

That being said, I must temper my joy.  I came close to leaving very bad comments in my diary and online.  Now, I'm entitled to those as those are my opinion, but in this world were there are eyes everywhere...choices.  And I was angry around people I love.  Not TO them, mind you, but still...I think I may have exhausted a fair few people.

I still have growth that I need to do.  As my mother has told me, let it pass, let it go.  If someone is cruel to you, that doesn't change who you are, it merely makes them a fool, so let them be a fool and let you be a kind person.

I can only try in the 4 months I have left in my contract.

May 15
I feel so tired.  Problems at work continue.  They're now trashing my handwriting.  Which is bad.  I admit that.  But I've been trying to improve it for 18 years, ever since Elementary school ruined it...what do they want me to do in an afternoon, or hell, even in 4 months?  And to get observed while doing it?  I just feel burnt out and tomorrow is a long day, with the equivalent of 7 hours of teaching and two hours of prep time, one of which is devoted to lunch.

I hate Saturdays.  Also I have to go in to work before my schedule for planning period.  And our new technology upgrade is causing huge glitches, to the point that 70% of my supplementary material is damn near useless because of the stupid Chinese knockoff of Microsoft office they use after the conversion.

I am just...beyond frustrated.

More than that, I'm beginning to feel emotions again and daydream.  You'd think that would be good, but it makes me want to be back with the people I love and the friends who understand me than here in China.  It's another form of homesickness...and I'm worn out from it.

This place has been made into something like a home, but it's not my home...I want my old apartment and all the comforts it had.  I want my friends from all over the world, good and bad, and all the perspective that offered.  But more than anything, I want time to breathe and to not worry...that, I want more than anything.

May 23
Close to burn out and sick.  Again.  Ugh...life is not that great here.  Right now, I'm trying to juggle far too much.  I need to figure out when I'm going to Japan so I can check out and book my plane ticket and book a hotel.  Life at school is so frustrating.  I am sick and tired of being...sick and tired.

I'm learning to read tarot for school and I'm doing a lot of other things as well to try and keep up with the grind, but...it's frustrating.  Trying to get breakfast again, because I've been skipping it, just because of stress and exhaustion.  Sleep is...good sleep is a far off dream on most week nights.  The heat of summer, even with my AC going full blast, makes restful sleep damn near impossible.

I doubt I will do much more sight seeing.  I just want to rest on my days off and try to recover for the next few days.  Started a new anime on the recommendation/begging of a friend...it's really good.  Problem is, that's kinda why I'm starting to feel emotion again and it makes life at school hard, cause I just want to dream...not teach.

But, responsibilities.  I have them, I follow them.  It is life.

Ugh...still not sure what to do about the money situation.  I have a TON of money, however the problem is that I can't spend it outside of China...people have told me about wiring money, but frankly it seems like a bad idea since I can actually just take money out from banks in the State...or so I've been told.  God, I am not even sure.  I need help with this.  Gonna try and talk to some of the Chinese teachers to get some help.

Just want to rest...just want to sleep.

May 26

The heat is beginning to wear on me.  It feels like hell outside and in.  Even my AC cannot keep the heat from me.  I need to buy a fan.

It exhausts me almost as much as my work and I am having to cling to what gives me strength as I try to continue on.

It's not easy.  I've gotten sick again and others with me.  We all struggle to survive.  I must continue on though...but I feel so tired...it has been almost two weeks since I slept fitfully more than a single day in a row.

I am counting down the time until I can return home.  Teaching is something I rather enjoy.  However the environment here is weakening me.

May 31
Still having trouble sleeping.  I bought a fan, dropped 30 bucks for a dinky little thing, and it HELPS, but my AC cannot keep up.  I'm convinced it's, if not broken, breaking.  Thankfully, my agent, god bless her, has contacted my landlord and things SHOULD be taken care of...hopefully...maybe.

Ugh, either way, summer is here in full swing and I am more or less DONE with it already.  I have had a few weird encounters, such as meeting a Russian at random on the subway, the joys of being alone and exploring while looking for food, and the abject annoyance of, after exploration, being drenched in bloody sweat.

I'm not having a great time in China and it's all but decided that I won't stay.  China hasn't been for me, despite the good parts of it...there are good parts, I assure you but still.

I'm looking forward to doing a class on tarot cards next week due to my personal interest and it's given me a deep longing for some of my older games which used the cards, particularly Ogre Battle on the SNES.

I have a list of games I NEED to play when I get home.

I feel a bit more exhausted than usual, because with the exception of one friend, I'm largely cut off.  It wears me down because I have no crutch and I have to be a grown up.  I don't know how to be a grown up.  Well, I'm half kidding, but still...I enjoy my alone time frequently, however people are fading out of my life a lot lately.  It may change.  It may not.  I keep going regardless.

That's all I can do.  I keep going.  I've got 3 months left.  And counting.