January
6, 2020
First
entry of the year. Quite possibly, also, the last. I don’t really get much joy
out of doing this anymore, but I feel like perhaps I should, just to chronicle
where I am after so much depression in the previous entries, for those worried.
Some sadness still lingers and the beginning of the year has been…difficult,
but I have had lots of fun things besides that.
I
should start that 2019, in reflection, was utterly horrible. Easily, one of if
not the worst year of my entire life. I lost everything I cared for apart from
my family. I lost the woman I loved, my best friend, my peace of mind, my self-esteem,
my health, my sources of joy, my patience, and so many more. It was the year of
taking. But I survived. And, I promised myself that in 2020, I would let go of
my bitterness. I would not be angry with the people who could not be there for
me, for I know it isn’t fair. I also had to work an extra day when I was
supposed to have a holiday because of uncontrollable circumstances. I find it
ironic that in summer I’m more prone to getting sick than in the winter.
Everyone around me drops from influenza, but I endure the storm, no problem.
Despite
my pains and troubles, I have always tried to keep a smiling face for the
children I teach. I don’t want them to know I am bothered. I want them to have
good memories and a future full of joy, especially at Christmas. For me, I
could not find the rest, nor indulge in the traditions I wanted to this year,
but I smiled, nonetheless, for my students. Because I like helping people. 2019
has been a year of disillusionment for me on many things, but I can never be disillusioned
by those I teach. No matter what anyone says, I have the best students in the
world. Kids with potential to be something incredible. And I will help them
move forward, laugh, smile, and someday, travel beyond the borders of this
town.
The
year started off well, with a reunion with an old friend. Our journey to the
bathhouse was quite relaxing and we also got a chance to visit a Japanese
ryokan. I was a bit worried about finances, but my friends kicked in and it
helped cover all the major expenses. The bad news? Well, Tashirojima, the cat
island, was very cute and all, but also brutally cold and windy, with very few
bathrooms and very little cover. It was a test of endurance, with almost 5
hours of walking during the day. A day I woke up at 5am for and barely slept
for the night before. Needless to say, I was cranky by the end of it, but the
Ryokan and the bath housed within helped with that. The dinner we had was also
something spectacular and something I feel everyone should experience at least
once in a lifetime. At least 20 different varieties of food in one meal. Crazy.
Unfortunately, the day before my friend arrived, I blew out my knee with my
exercise routine and the walking didn’t help, so I had to cancel our trip to
the mountain of Yamadera. My friends managed to go on their own, which I’m glad
for, and they enjoyed the local sights. It is a bit depressing that when my
friends and family visit, everything is either too busy or just flat out
closed, as was the case here in winter. We did get a chance to go to lots of
different restaurants and they loved the steak house near my house. Oddly,
Japanese steak is often considered far better than American steak. I am prone
to agree. I also got a third bag to help me pack. Still not sure about when I’m
going to move, whether it be to America or to another part of Japan, I think
Japan since I’ve gotten a few soft offers, I just need something concrete. I
felt a bit bad for needing to rest when my friend was visiting, but it was necessary.
Few people can keep up with her. She’s a lady in her 60s with the energy of a
20-year old. On caffeine. Who doesn’t need to sleep.
My
family sent me a set of books for Christmas…and I could not be happier. I’ve
missed reading so much. Of course I read in games and on the internet, but to
hold a book in hand or lie under my bed covers engrossed in a story is
something truly wonderful. I’m struggling a bit with trying to find my sources
of joy again and my peace of mind once lost. Games are…fun, but still a bit
empty. I will continue working on it. I’ve been eating a bit more than I
should. Comfort food and all that. And indulging in podcasts for DnD and other
silliness that helps me to feel better about life. I am…recovering. I will know
how to move forwards once things settle and I either have a hard contract for
future work or I find that I need to return to the US. Whichever, I will know soon
enough. We start rebuilding now.
My
resolutions for 2020:
Let
go of my past bitterness.
Find
joy in video games again
Read
at least 5 times a week, if not more
Continue
with my exercise routine
Continue
writing twice a week
Reach
out to people a bit more often
Eat
less/snack less
Watch
some series(the witcher on Netflix looks very fun.)
Be
there for my students however I can
Start
dating again
Hehe,
most of these are pretty normal, I would do them anyway, but I think that’s
fine. Small goals help you work towards larger goals. My Tarot reading for the
future is…optimistic. I much avoid temptations, like the card games I’ve been
too consumed by or the food that I have used for comfort, but it shows me
working hard and finding some kind of bond. Be that in romance or jobs.
To
the woman who stole my heart, I don’t know if you’re still alive out there. I
still think of you often. If you are out there, however, I hope you find
happiness.
Well,
here we go. Let us walk into the future.
