October 5 - October 11, 2017

October 5, 2017

I am thankful for my breathing exercises, my hand gestures, and my ways of controlling emotions.  Today was hard.  I had to take a time out to keep going. Didn’t stop any of my classes, no, I’m well acquainted with the keep smiling even if you’re crying or fuming mentality.  But still…I swore to myself I wouldn’t make this a place of vitriol.  I have anger in my life, but I will not be ruled by it.  I will not be controlled or defeated by this.  This too is strength.  I know…I know that in the US, a lot of people build themselves on Machismo, on feeling strong by hurting others.  On saying that those who do not fight are weak.  I am a sentinel.  I take blows because that is what I CAN do.  I will not be consumed by anger or hatred.  I feel it.  I feel them both strongly.  But I will never let it overrule my honor.  I will not even let it come close.  This too is strength.  I am strong in my way.  I will not be told that I am wrong by those who do not walk the path I walk.

Life is hard now.  But I hang.  Hang high.  Hang low.  But whatever you do, Mr. Poleess man…hang on.  It always seems bad at first…but somehow, I find a way.  I will continue onwards.  I have too many people who need me to give up.  I am waiting for the edge of the coin. Kudos to anyone who gets the references.  Right now, this is what I can do to keep moving forward.

October 6, 2017

I got virtually no sleep last night.  A mix of stress and overheating from blankets.  Also, fun fact, I felt like death all day today, on top of the depression, lack of self confidence, and utter feeling of being completely unwanted.  People would want me if I didn’t show up, but…ugh…anyway, today, one of the old teachers came for a visit.  I know it’s just my sadness, but when you see the joy of the other teachers at their old friend, it makes you wonder, why are you even here when they could be?  It’s a useless thing to think, so I try not to.  I struggled to finish out the day.  It wasn’t so bad, as I enjoyed my adult class as I tend to do, but the extra planning for Saturday, which has 10 classes for me, fun, and the stress of prepping for it after all my classes were done just…wore me down.  I am tired.  I am so very tired.  And I have to get up early tomorrow to go teach until 6pm.  Someone send help.  Sigh.  Even if I’m just a corpse in clothes walking into that classroom, though…I will show up.  I’m reliable.  If nothing else, I will not have people say I’m a flake.  I am a sentinel.  And sentinels can be counted upon.

October 7, 2017

I hate everything.  Ugh…the stress that’s been building has finally gotten to me and I struggled with sleep last night.  The expectation from the students and the other teachers was worse than the classes.  The classes went fine.  Early on I struggled to keep myself going, but I just let me forward momentum carry me forward once I got rolling and while not easy, it was manageable.  The students were a bit nervous for their new teacher, but it went well and I hope things…improve.  They weren’t bad, but I’d like people to relax in some classes and have fun.  Anyway, I felt sick by the end of the day and wanted to head out for yakiniku, but the only table free was reserved by someone else, so I was turned away.  I said screw it and headed to Ionia for curry and that was good.  I felt so tired by the end of the day though and it’s not even 9 as I write this.  I feel dead.  Thankfully, I have 2 days to recover…good god, I will need them.

October 8 - October 9, 2017

Sigh…it’s been a rough weekend.  Mostly wasted time, but I did get to spend time with people I love online, like my best friend and my Overwatch buddies.  I didn’t go out much, cept for a bit of food.  I just felt…dead to the world.  So tired that all I desired was to stay in.

That said, I also felt like there was a lot of wasted time, as I had the same experience from Saturday with places I wanted to go today.  Post office?  Closed on a Monday.  City hall?  Closed on a Monday.  I got my chips from the Yamaya, which was nice but my errands…were a waste of time.  Nothing got done.  I did finish my six months in Natori write up and post a few bonus updates, but…other than that, nothing.  Whatever.  I need rest anyway, so I’m just going to lie back down now.

October 10, 2017

God, I hate Tuesdays…it’s not a good day for my mental health and frankly, there has been something else weighing on me heavily.  Most people already know what the deal is, so not repeating it here.  I’m just…so very tired.  I’m also questioning my skills.  When I was in China, this was easy, but now…not so much.  There are moments where, after prep, I can get the students to initiate and handle their own conversations without me, and it is pretty damn glorious, but for those who are tired, or distracted, or just don’t care, it’s frustrating to no end.  I’m trying.  I’m trying so very hard.  And sometimes that’s just not enough.  I need to be able to simply let it go.  Some days are just going to be difficult.

I need that vacation at the end of the week, but there’s no real guarantee that it will solve anything.  I should at least be able to live a few days away from my stresses.  And I will be able to read again.  Aiming to start and finish Making Money by the end of the trip.

I…am at a loss as to what to do beyond just keeping on keeping on.  Maybe that’s what I need, right now.  To just keep going blindly forward.  I’m trying to build my career, my bank, and my future, but…it’s very tempting to just move from an environment that is less than pleasant. I can’t cut and run…it’s not in me.  Honor forbids me from breaking my word.  Either way, there is no telling what the future holds, so…we’ll have to wait and see.

October 11, 2017

Wednesdays tend to be better days for me. I was basically told that I’ll have to move and take down the Halloween decorations and other things and then put them back up because of renovations happening during the holiday, so I need to be ahead of schedule or else I am gonna get my butt kicked.  I continue to be harassed, yes, it is harassment, no, I’m not going into more details, and it sucks.  It’s not anything I can change and it makes my life substantially harder, as this job would be a lot better without it.  I didn’t get much sleep last night and I am prepping stuff to be dumped onto my blog due to my upcoming holiday trip. I need it to be ready, because I don’t want to take my computer on the trip, I want to take my phone, my book, and my music and see how life goes.  Sigh…I wish the situation here weren’t so bad because it’s not the town, it’s not the company, it’s not even the job.  It’s…yeah…anyway, this is not the place.  This is going up on my blog now and I’m taking the night off from basically everything so I can get some much needed rest.