October 20 - October 26, 2017

October 20, 2017

Christ…ugh…Natori sure knows how to welcome its prodigal son!  With a shit ton of rain! Normally, I like cold, wet, and dreary, but not when I have to be running errands.  So, I got massively frosty and cold and wet today as I had to go to the post office for boxes to ship things to different people, go to Ionia for pizza, return my old healthcare card to city hall since I had a new one, and buy things at the Yamaya.  I am tired and want to just spend the rest of the day in and it’s only 2.  Well, I can, since I’m still on vacation and I will.  I still have to manage my photos and start up my Hokkaido trip synopsis. That’ll be…fun…I guess. I’m tired so I’m going to rest, then do that.  God…it can’t be clear for one bloody day?!

October 21-22, 2017

I’ve…felt strange these last few days.  With the thrill of new discovery gone, I feel empty inside and very tired.  It’s a chance to reflect, I feel.  It’s given me time to realize how lonely I can be and also how frustrated I am.  A friend of mine is trying to push me towards finding a path I can be happy on, which I appreciate, but…thinking about jobs, especially when you have one, is not always what you want to talk about.  I’ve had the same experience with my family.  They keep asking me to think about the next job when I’m more or less content with the current one I have, barring a few minor issues.  But the point was a good one…apart from publishing my book, there’s many things I want, but am uncertain about, love being one of the key ones.

Existential crises aside, it’s been raining for the last two days.  I spent a bit of time reading, a lot of time gaming, and some time consolidating my gifts so that I can get ready to ship them out. I like the rain, but too much of it in a poor state of mind can lead to one feeling dreary.  And of course, I have to work six days in a row this coming week, which is going to be…less than enjoyable.  I will endure.  I always have and I always will, but…I wish I knew why I was always so tired.  I’ve had myself checked out by doctors and…no one seems to know.  They said it was a possible vitamin d deficiency, but even a year or two of supplements didn’t change anything, so…

I wish I had better news.  The Hokkaido trip was fantastic, but now we have to get back to the routine of normal life.  I feel that soon, I will need to spend some of my extra time doing research into a different career…I could try and be ESL forever, but I fear without guidance, I may not grow enough for that to be viable.  I want to get some demos from my boss to help with my learning. Or I could try to find storytelling opportunities, or education…sigh…so much to think about that it can be scary.  I definitely still have anxiety issues.  I’ve more or less found out how to cope, but still…anyway, I’m going to call it an early night because I also need to go in about an hour or two early on Monday, so I can help with putting the school back in order, since I had to move everything around previously.

I want to take a minute and say that people’s opinions of my appearance is funny…but not in a haha kind of way.  I always seem tired and with a malaise about me, but they never seem to realize that optimism I have buried within.  No matter how bedraggled I look or feel, I still want to help others and I still have faith in human beings.  I still want people to be happy.  I’m more optimistic than I think my jaded and cynical personality should allow.  But I’ve long since given up worrying about how people perceive me.  They can get mad that I seem tired or get frustrated that I seem down, but I keep wanting others to be happy and I’ll keep going, regardless.  Live for today, for tomorrow, and for the day after that.  Even if you’re in pain, isn’t that a sign you’re still alive?  Even if you’re sad, doesn’t that mean you can still feel and that you can be happy again?  It’s a different perspective, but hey, I’m a different kind of person.

October 23 – 24, 2017

Tired…and my week is only 1/3 done. Still dealing with crap here, but mostly, I’m trying to get boxes ready to send out gifts to friends and family.  I had a good time on Monday, despite having to go in to work early.  I like doing some degree of physical labor, so long as it’s not my entire job.  I did miss my Monday classes, as they are precious in their own way.  That said, I also had problems with a few students on Tuesday, surprise surprise, for various reasons.  We have some who are too tired, some who don’t care, or god help me, some who are too immature.  I had to be the bad teacher today and take away candy and Uno time I was going to give because of how unruly a few were being and I felt so frustrated because they should know better…I have taught them that actions have consequences.  They should know. I think I’m starting to adapt some of my old teaching methods from China here and while it’s a bit rough, it is progressing to a degree.  Less of my talking and more of the students talking, which is always nice.

Trying to balance my time between doing these journal entries, getting my packages for home ready, and doing stuff to keep my brain from exploding.  I’ve been needing more and more rest and sleep and I haven’t been getting it, sadly.  Still, I’m trying to balance.  Mostly, it’s business as usual, now that the vacation time is over.  I am doing the best I can.  Hang, mister Vimes.  Hang.  Okay, segway…if you haven’t read Discworld, ESPECIALLY the Watch book, go and do that now. Sir Samuel is the most lovable hard ass and most noble man of modern fiction I have ever read.  There’s a reason I keep referencing him and the works of Sir Terry Pratchett.  Anyway, yeah…I hang on.

October 25 – October 26, 2017

Not much to say…I’m tired and I’ve been busy trying to get my packages made for my family and friends.  I need to get them to the post office tomorrow morning, which…is gonna be rough on me, because I need to carry them.  And they are not small. The week has been stressful, but I’ve had good moments too.  Sharing my time in Hokkaido with friends and the candy has been nice.  I’ve been able to play games.  I’m making plans for people to visit me.  But at the same time, I have a lot of things on my plate and I need to take it slowly, one bit at a time.  I need to get my passport sent off for renewal and I need to get dentistry done.  Then research into a future career, be that in ESL or not.  I’m just mostly tired, though.  I’ll be compiling my photos for the weekend updates tonight.  Other than that, I’m not doing anything too different from normal.  The stress level is higher, but…life goes on.  I don’t have that much else to say.