Working in China Month 7: March 2015

Sorry if I'm not as on the ball with these as I used to be.  Gone through a lot of stress lately, but I'll still try and get them out weekly.

March 2015

March 3

I have found myself at a crossroads between interest and work.  I have found myself struggling with life.  My interests, such as some of my fandoms, have made me feel things.  Some good, some bad.  It is hard to keep that separate from work, but I manage.  The toll has been heavy though.  My body and my spirit are both weary.  Yet, the work continues to pile up, both at the school and at home.  On my day off, I had to spend much of my day in search of gifts.  Obligation and responsibility you understand.  I had a decent enough time perusing the international book store again, however I would have done so even if it meant exhaustion.  I have recognized I am a man who identifies with duty and it gives me purpose.

If nothing else, it keeps me from thinking too much about my problems or my wayward emotions.  I have been despondent of late.  Feeling lonely and loveless.  Memories of failed romance crop up at the most inopportune times and the situation I am in feels much harder because of it.  Frustration is common now.  I have kept myself going in school and done a decent enough job with my work.  Normalcy after the long holiday of spring festival would be welcome, but it is still a struggle, with student numbers fluctuating wildly and me having to adapt as the situations change.

Gaming helps with the void I have started to feel, as do my fandoms, though I find myself longing for the sweet cocoon I left behind in the States.  For my old apartment and the sweet ignorance or oblivion it would give to me.  Those times are gone.  They won't come back.  I know this.  So, that makes the struggle even harder at times.

The news is not all bad.  Despite my struggles, I have saved a prodigious amount of money.  Much of it will go to paying my rent, as I have done today, or to my parents in repayment of debts owed, which will come soon.

Speaking of my parents, I will see them shortly.  They arrive in Beijing on the 6th and I will see them on the 7th if all goes well.  I hope to show them a good time.  Despite my struggles and my annoyances with China, for visitors it can be quite fun.  There are great sights to see, interesting food to taste, and I can give them a view of the better parts of my life.  Though I sound despondent, there are good spots in my co-workers and in the food, though I daresay at this point I yearn for home.  Either way, we will see what happens.

When they depart, I will be halfway through with my contract.  Home is 6 months away.  I have debated looking for love here, but it is not to be.  I will not indulge in pleasures of the fleeting nature, nor can I ask someone to wait for me or to try and come home with me...how selfish would that be?  That is even assuming I could find someone.  Yes, love has been one of the emotions I have been dealing with...or rather a lack thereof.

Either way, it shall not interrupt my family's fun.  That I intend to make sure of.

March 7

Leading up to this, I've had a huge amount of stress, not helped by some unfair surprises, most notably in the time it would take to get to my parents hotel.

I had to take basically an hour and a half to two hour train right at 5:30 in the morning to get there on time and tomorrow I have to get up even earlier, so that put me off on a bad foot from minute one, but I did get to see my parents.

It was a nice reunion.  They were clearly glad to see me and I got to share in their hotel's buffet, which had both cheese and bacon, awesome, and we went to Tienenmen square and the forbidden city, both places I'd already been.  We did lots of walking, though I sort of dragged as my body was rightly shot from the lack of sleep.  The previous night I had gotten home from work at 11pm and did not get to bed until after midnight, due to prep work for today.  So, I was thrashed.  We did get to have lunch at a hutong which was family style and the food was both very unique and quite tasty.  A nice surprise.

This was followed by me basically crashing.  I took a nap on my family's bed and then we went to dinner, also lots of unique dishes and served family style, followed by a martial arts stage drama, featuring lots of choreographed martial arts and some of the most impressive synchronized work I've ever seen.  There was a lot of production value put into it and it was a very enjoyable experience.  However, it is a bit bittersweet as even as I write this, I am getting ready for my next big day, which involves me getting up even earlier so we can all go to the great wall of China together.

I find myself a bit awkward around my parents, actually.  I love them to pieces, but I also feel a bit strange spending so much time with them for some reason.  I guess I'd gotten used to the idea of independence and it sinks back in that everyone is someone's child.  I'm dwelling a little on what will happen when I return stateside.  I would like to live alone again, but...we'll see.  My family might help me get an apartment and if not, I've survived worse than a few weeks/months with my father and mother.  I do love them but it will be hard giving back the reins of my independence, even for just a few weeks/months.  We'll see what happens.

March 8

God, so tired...I had to get up at 4:30 am to get to my family in time to go to the great wall.  This is closer to the China I wanted.  Still a little mystical, majestic, and with a powerful feeling of uniqueness.  Sadly, that uniqueness came with a cost.  My legs are killing me because climbing it is super awkward.  I spent much of my time with my family napping in the bus after dealing with the crazy hike.  We did get to see a cool Jade factory though and I bought a few Jade gifts for friends.  Jade, the diamond of China.  Anyway, we've had great food for these last few days and that trend continued at the jade restaurant.

We also got to see some sports sights at the Olympic village, but it kinda bored me...not too interesting.  We saw the temple of heaven and again, I got to missing my independence and feeling a bit smothered.  My family, I love them, but today I was reminded very much about how I missed controlling my own destiny.  The temple itself was...fine, but a bit boring, especially compared to the summer palace.  Anyway, we got to see an acrobatics show which was jaw-droppingly amazing.  Such cool sights to see, such an amazing performance.  I even snapped a few photos.  We had our last dinner of peking duck, which...is good, but a bit overrated, I must say.  The older adults got to talking and I felt very out of place near the end of the night.  I felt very tired and out of place.

Either way, my family insisted I stay with them at the hotel and I was too tired to argue.  I slept like a rock for seven hours, but the snoring of my parents, my sore throat, and dealing with the different bed made it hard after that.

March 9

Tried to give my parents my own tour of Beijing, including an up close and personal tour of the subways...they are frustrating.  Anyway, we got their bags to a secondary business hotel and I got some sweet gifts.  Supplies I asked for, chocolates, well wishes from family, the works.  In turn, I took them to see where I work, meet my colleagues, drop off some gifts for my colleagues, do some shopping, and visit a restaurant I had gone to with our mutual friend when she was in China.

Though the trip was hard and my parents began to grow a bit disheartened near the end, the great food made it all worthwhile, for them and for me.  I'd like to go back to the restaurant again, or just go to the general area, because it's an amazing place.  Anyway, I feel a bit glad now, for some independence and peace.  No matter who you are or what you're doing, you always need a little time to just decompress.

Just another day and a half with them.  A bit sad to draw near to the time of their departure, but I know I'll be back stateside in six months, so it's not like this is forever.

March 10

So very tired.  We had to get up early...again...to go to meet a traditional Chinese medicine doctor.  He actually said, after he gave my mom treatment, that he might be able to help me with my constant feelings of exhaustion, so I've set up an appointment for later in March.  Then, off to the international book store.

I finally became my father, as my exhaustion peaked during this time.  I've been so close to collapse for the last few days, right alongside him...either way, we did a bit of shopping, my parents and me, and then headed to Yonghegong lama temple to do some exploring.  Checked it and Confucius temple out, and...uh...so tired.

Surprisingly, my family was able to pack like 90% of the souvenirs I had amassed up till this point.  Which was heartening!  We then got some Ramen which helped my mood...good lord, Ajisen Ramen is fantastic.  I admit to feeling a bit sad and nostalgic as my parents will be going home tomorrow.  We have plans for food and all and even with the frustrations that come with family, I will miss them quite a bit.  I feel like I'm gonna hit a low soon because my time with them is nearly over.  Sad, eh?

If I could, I'd have them over once a week, because familiarity and normalcy both are nice, but I'd like to have my space as well.  5 days in a row felt like quite a lot, but when they're gone, I know it'll feel like only a little and I will miss them terribly.

Body...mind...soul...ugh, all of it, why must you make life so complicated?

March 11

Gave my family some Chinese food today before they headed off.  Donkey meat pancake, egg and pita chicken and lettuce wrap.  We had some fun, traveled the subway, and managed to pack away most of my souvenirs for home, so...it was finally time to say goodbye.  Helped them get to the airport, then...it was time for the long ride home, alone.

I admit to being a little sad that they're gone.  Also, very tired.  I tried to get some clothes fixed today at my tailor, but only got my coat fixed...forgot to take the right shirt.  And It was past 5 when I got home, so...worn down and a bit tired.  With mum and dad gone, I'm drowning my sorrows, ironically, in a game about sailing.

I...miss home a great deal now, but just too exhausted to register most of it.  Now, if only I could get some friends to come visit me...

March 17

Getting back into the swing of things has been hard.  I've felt really burnt out at work lately, even with regular DnD night coming back.  However, that's not all.  I've also got responsibilities...taxes.

I spent most of today doing taxes and it damn near drove me crazy.  Trying to pay taxes in the US is hard enough, but trying to pay US taxes in China is damn near impossible.  I feel pretty tired, but my family got home and skyped with me, so I feel a bit better.

With my limited access to the internet and my games, I've taken a liking to a new TV series that I can watch online.  A bit strange, but still fun.  I feel...perhaps if I do branch out in China...well, more than I already have at least...it will be in a way that people might not expect.  I want to think that I'm growing, if only a little.

Some things stay the same, I admit.  My frustration with technology and beauracracy, even if it is a pointless frustration, still runs strong and has me cursing up a storm.  I hope that it will get better...I try to handle frustrations as they come, but I still have a ways to go, you might say.  Or rather, I might say.

March 20

I feel like death took a holiday in my body.  It's been years since I felt this sick.  On the night of the 18th, I went to bed at 10pm and got up for work at 10 am...I think I got a total of maybe 4 hours sleep out of that total twelve?  My body has been in agony, particularly my lips and throat, which are dry and cracked, and my nose, which is either runny as hell or stopped up to no end.  I.  Hate.  Being.  Sick.  In.  China.  This country has made me sicker than my entire stay in the US.  That's 6 months vs 26 years.

I've been downing tons of medicine, bought a humidifier to help with the dryness my AC provides, done everything I can...cept take the day off from work.  That's the nuclear option.  We'll see if it comes to that.  Right now though, I feel awful.

March 23

Still feel like god damn death.  It's been almost a full week of sore throat, coughing till I want to die, runny nose, stopped up nose, chugging medicine as often as I can, nightmare fuel.  I.  Hate.  Being.  Sick.  In.  China.

The pharmacy stuff helps sometimes, but they give you so little...the price is cheap, but you get barely a day's worth with each, so I have to plan...because if I don't have enough for my weekend, I am royally friggin screwed.

I am so tired of this.  A full week of working full tilt with my body about to collapse on me.  I hate life.

March 27

I visited a doctor earlier this week and got some more medicine...I've been chugging like a dozen pills a day for the last few days.  I AM getting better, but my voice is still pretty fragile, so I have to be careful not to lose it during class.  We'll see how that goes.  Friggin hate this sickness.

In other news, my doctor also tried to recommend me some new life patterns to help improve my general feeling of exhaustion.  Trying consistent bed times across the board now and consistent wake times, with at least 8 hours sleep in the whole group.  Also, trying to start having oats and sugar for breakfast to get an energy boost.  We'll see how it goes.  I'm giving it a few months, after all, I can always say screw it when I get home if it's not working for me.

Still tired.  Took on a new project for my company to try and compose a video to help newbies get acclimated to China, specifically to help with apartment hunting.  Asked my co-workers for help with photos or videos of their own homes, but...eh, I'm cynical so I don't have much faith in that area.  Once again.  We'll see.