To China and Back: A First Hand Guide to Reverse Culture Shock

To China and Back

A First Hand Guide to Reverse Culture Shock

If I'm being honest, I thought I was done writing about my time in China.  I have a diary for a whole year, a guide to living there, and a few choice words about the environment, but I find myself now writing again because lots of people will warn you about the culture shock you face when going to another country...people seldom warn you about what you have to face coming home.

First, I want to dispel a few rumors.  The first is that your stomach will be twisted in knots when you go back to your home town because you've been a year or two without the kind of food your town serves.  That's not really a thing.  I jumped right back into eating Mexican food, American burgers, American Chinese food, etc. without too many problems.  The most you can expect is some diarrhea, especially if you go from a country heavy on roughage, like good vegetables and grains, to a country more meat focused.  But it's not as big a problem as you might expect, you won't be sick for weeks from the cuisine.

Another rumor is that you will forget certain skills you've learned.  Most notably, driving.  While you will be a little rusty, chances are you can jump back into it with a little practice.  The longer the duration you are away, obviously, the more time it will take to re-acquaint yourself with your old skills, but I managed to start driving and cooking, two things I'd not done for almost a year, the day after I returned home.  So, not as hard as people might make you think.

The big thing I want people to take away though is the stress factor.  A lot of people might say, "Give them a week or two to catch up with their sleep and they'll be fine."  For some, this might be true, but for others...it can take far longer.  One thing I want people to know is that you SHOULD NOT oversleep after a change in time zones.  Try to stick with a 7-8 hour sleep routine, hopefully sleeping before midnight, and get back into it quickly.  You'll need to crash hard for the first week or so, but it should be pretty simple to get back into a routine.  I did not do this, however.  You see, from the moment I got home, I was harried and hurried to get all manner of things done and my sleep cycle suffered heavily.  Basically from the day after I landed in America, I was bombarded with the process of sending out resumes, applying for jobs, filling out an application for JET and moving furniture and boxes with my brother into his new house.

This screwed me big time.  After a change in time zones, especially if you've come off a stressful time in your life, you need to recover.  Remember what I said, don't stay in bed all day to recover, but do things that remind you why you came home to begin with.  Meeting with old friends, revisiting old locations that have meaning for you, walking, reading...being only mildly active physically or mentally, but a bit more so socially.  This will help recovery.  I know because it's damn near the only thing that's kept me going after I got hit by the stress train.

I do not recommend going into a huge, unpleasant change in life right after returning home from another country either, because this is where the reverse culture shock gets insidious.  You are going from a period of regularity in your previous country through a great tumultuous upheaval.  To safely adjust to a new status quo and life, you need to actually be able to establish a new status quo.  If you can have a job you are familiar with lined up, do it.  If you can have a permanent home lined up, do it.  If you can have a routine lined up, go with it.  For me, trying to make peace with these three factors has led me close to the verge of mental collapse more times than I can count.

Let's talk about a mental collapse as well.  The fact where it feels like your life is spinning out of control and you have nothing you can do.  Where you've scrambled into a job or a living space because you had to and it was available and you don't want to be in your current position, but you're stuck there.

These feelings of powerlessness are crippling.  People who suffer from anxiety or depression are much more likely to suffer from these if they don't slide into a routine.  If you can't set up a routine for work, exercise, and get a place of your own, it can easily overwhelm you.  I remember waking up in the middle of the night and just weeping into my hands, unable to sleep, because I had no power over my life and I had no way to fight back or take control.  Obviously, I'm trying my best with my job, which is INCREDIBLY poor for a routine schedule, as the schedule is variable and changes day by day, if not hour by hour.  Combined with environmental factors, it can really mess with you.

So, what can you do?  First, have a strong support system.  I often think that close friends are better than family here, because the first words out of my family's mouth aside from "Welcome back, we missed you!" were "So, have you thought about getting a job?"  Family, god bless them, want what's best for you, but often have no idea what you need right now.  They are going to be a mental strain on you as you try and follow through with your own plans while not disappointing them.  They will try to influence you, well intentioned but still...and it will be a huge drain.  Your friends, especially the ones you can trust, will just want to shoot the breeze with you and be glad you're here.  This is much healthier for the mental health of someone after a huge culture shift because it says that people love you and are not going to judge you or push you in a way you don't want to go.

Second, you need to have coping mechanisms.  No matter how good you are, stress is going to creep into your daily life, so books, video games, movies, internet shows...have a release valve.  You need something that will help you sleep or remind you that the world is worth fighting for.

Third, balance alone time and people time.  We all need time to gather our thoughts alone or to experience things in our private methods, but know that when you start having a break, you need to be with people.  I would have paid a lot to, at 4am when my first mental breakdown and weeping session of my return home, have had someone to talk to.  If you can, arrange this.  Have a best friend, or hell, even a friend in another time zone or country who understands what you're gonna be going through and who can talk you down.  I was lucky in that I have several friends who either are as depressed and anxious as I am or understand it enough to know what to say.  I was not lucky enough to have them awake when I had my breakdown.

Fourth, AVOID STRESSORS!  No one wants to get your life back in order more than you, trust me.  After having independence, freedom, and choice, and having to give that up to return to your friends and family without a solid way to move forward, no one wants to get things going more than you do...which is why you should avoid people who are going to put undue stress on you because it's only going to make your journey to that point of stability harder.  I have dealt with people since my return home who ignore, who are assholes, who cannot sympathize or understand, or worst of all, think they know better than you and try to force their ideas on you.  AVOID THESE AT ALL COSTS.  I know we need to go outside our bubbles to experience a full world, but go outside your bubble when you have a mattress under you, not a bed of spikes...because that's what it's like dealing with this stress.  Hanging over a bed of spikes, waiting for your fragile little bubble to pop.

One thing I want people to understand is that you need an outlet because the most dangerous part of both culture shock and reverse culture shock is it makes you unduly miss the place you just left without a solid reason.  You can make reasons for yourself and make excuses, but the truth is, your body chemistry is having a hard time adjusting and is pining for the memory of stability you used to have.  This is a trick and you need to avoid falling for it, because if you sign up for that second year of China or a permanent stay in the States after only being away from your previous country for a few weeks...you'll be doing it with impaired judgment.  On that same note, you will feel down.  You will feel low.  You will feel like you want to hurt yourself or even that you want to die if you get caught in the previously mentioned cycles of stress and helplessness, where stability and independence are long forgotten dreams.  You need to reach out for help to people who can give it to you.  Like I said, avoid those who simply cannot understand you because they will only compound your stress.  But the people who can and will support you, you need to reach out to and get either medical(professional) or personal help to solve this problem.

I don't take medicine for my issues, but some people may need it, especially after a change like this.

My final rule of thumb?  When your body says its time to crash, give it a little bit of rest, because it's trying to catch up with the stress you've taken into your life.  An example.  After a poor nights sleep and teaching 3-4 classes in the morning, my body desperately wanted a nap around 1pm because it was just burnt out.  I shouldn't indulge a 3 hour sleep, but a 30-minute to 1 hour nap might just help get through the rest of the day.  Especially if your work day isn't over yet. 

Stress builds up.  You may not always feel it and you may not always know, but it clings to you like your shadow and it will not let you go...so, like a fever, you have to sweat it out and regulate it, not let it put you out of commission.  Find your outlet valves and get people who can help you from ingesting too much stress into your body.  Stress and depression after a culture change are a lot like a mental disease and that is not meant to be a bad thing or something you need to be ashamed of.  No stigma.  It means you need help.  Others should be willing to give you help or you should distance yourself from them because they're not healthy for you at this moment in time.

If you can't push through the stress to find stability and regularity, it WILL build up inside you like a poison.  Times like this, you may become as if you're truly sick because you simply cannot function...and if it gets this bad, you NEED rest, because it's just like being sick...mental illness is no less serious than physical illness.  If you build up too much poison in your body and don't get it treated or give your body time to fight back, then...it will kill you.  Stress does that...

One last thing.  Don't be ashamed of needing a crutch, but do try to keep yourself from falling into bad habits.  If you need that ice cream or trashy novel or brain dead movie to get through the day?  Do it...your body's stress levels sometimes need that junk food, mental, physical, or emotional.  It's comforting and comfort is a way that you can help regulate and fight back against your stress...it's a way of taking care of yourself.  Don't make a habit of downing a big bag of chips and a soda for breakfast as a way to comfort yourself, because that's going to hurt you in the long run, after you start to regain stability...but if you need a treat one day to keep going...do not feel ashamed.

Never feel ashamed for needing help or asking for people to understand.  You are not stupid.  You are not weak.  You are special and valuable and necessary to the world.  And no matter how strong someone is, everyone needs help sometimes.  This will pass, but don't feel bad for needing help and always, ALWAYS remember...this is not your fault.  Stress, reverse culture shock or any other kind, is like a disease that infects you.  When you need to make these changes, it is not your fault.  Don't let anyone force that guilt on you.

I hope that someone who reads this can find some help from it, because when I wrote this, I was still suffering.  I was trying to find a different job from my current one that will offer me more stability than what I had and to stand on my own to regain my independence.  When you are in a state of helplessness, your stress is going to build up even faster, so you're going to need more and more help to resolve and deal with it.  I know...this was my hell...but it will not be forever.  This time will pass.

Forewarned is forearmed, everyone.  Be prepared for what happens when you have a cultural shift or a major change opens up in your life.  You can do this.  I believe in you.

Take care.

Before we part ways though, a little addendum to help you know when you need help: These are my first hand signs of an oncoming mental break.
Signs of a mental break:

Hey guys.  Figured I should add this little addendum to my guide because it can sometimes be hard to tell basic stress from a mental breakdown and, rest assured, when you have a break, you NEED to seek help.  So, I want to actually recount my experiences with my mental breakdowns, since I've had more than one.

First mental breakdown followed an extreme amount of stress and feelings of helplessness.  It manifested itself late at night with insomnia.  The first signs were an aversion to sleep based on a mental state of pointlessness.  The feeling that sleep was pointless because you have no future or no path to follow.  This is followed up by feelings of inadequacy and a desire to travel, a desire to escape from your current situation.  As I lay awake on my bed that night, I wanted to get in my car and go somewhere.  Away from all my current stress and my current situation.  It led to watering eyes and outright weeping in a manic way.

There was no way for me to reconcile this and go to sleep.  When this happens, you need comfort.  Food, I don't recommend due to the lateness of the night, so if your mental breakdown is happening at night, I recommend a little water, books, preferably something nostalgic that will put you in a good mood, and some form of media.  When you have these feelings, the  most common problems are loneliness and a lack of ability to reach out and make contact with other people.  Human contact can be difficult if you have this break at night.  If you have someone you can really trust, I do recommend contacting them, but if that's not possible, a movie or a talk show or some kind of video that has lots of talking is a decent substitute.  I recommend comedy, especially ones that have people either facing the camera or speaking directly to the audience, like in a commentary on a movie, because the idea that someone is talking to you is very powerful and helps greatly with the feelings of loneliness.  This is mostly a bluff on your body and your mind to help you get through the night, so the next day you can seek the help you need.  Let something play on your computer or tv and lay down, close your eyes, and if you can't sleep, rest.  Even if this doesn't make you go to sleep, it's at least giving your body a chance to recharge and since stress is mental damage, it needs the maintenance.

My second mental breakdown was MUCH more severe.  It followed some of the warning signs I told you about in my guide, such as feelings of worthlessness and helplessness, especially those precipitated by stressors or people who didn't know any better.  This led to initial anger, but the feelings of worthlessness piled on so much that the anger burns away to indecision and most cripplingly, despair.  It leaves someone with a desire to escape, like before, but it also numbs the body and cripples thinking processes, leaving you indecisive and lethargic.  You can still get through your day at work, in theory, but anything beyond rote memorization or muscle memory, like driving a car, can be dangerous because your body and brain will be impaired.  I tried to cope with this in a way similar to my previous breakdown, using video games as an outlet valve, however like I said with stress being like a poison, the buildup here was too great and too rapid.  I ended up, with every death in the game, hearing "It's your fault!" and breaking into fits of manic sobbing and laughing.  Alongside this, I beat my arms and legs in self flagellation, which is VERY BAD FOR YOU.  This is something to avoid because it can lead to self harm and even suicidal thoughts or actions, so please talk to someone before it gets this bad.  When you start feeling that slowdown, like your life has just shut down, you are going to need to talk and find an outlet, because stewing is bad for you.

For me, I didn't have an outlet and I was close to several very high level stressors.  In this case, I had the good sense to reach out to someone, several people actually, and one answered.  My mother.  This was the right call.  When you have a break like this, you are not just sick, but crippled and wasting away.  Trying to stand on your own is not just risky, but it hampers your recovery a great deal.  You NEED to lean on someone after a breakdown.  One thing I found helpful during this time was to keep moving, either driving or walking.  It's best to do this with a friend or supporter, because someone can catch you if you fall, but no one likes to sit because it gives you a chance to wallow in your despair, which is a slippery slope.

When you have this kind of severe breakdown, usually your life has taken a nasty turn and you want to correct it, ASAP.  First, someone else helping you should not correct your life for you.  They should help, listen, and offer understanding and support, but not solve the problem for you.  Because chances are the problem can't be solved that simply.  If they could, they wouldn't have led to a break.  Still, let them try to figure it out until they run out of ideas, but DO NOT let them wallow in despair.  Try to help them come to terms with their sorrow through understanding and support.  The words, "You're sick.  Let us help you," "It's not your fault," or "I'm here for you.  I'll help you however I can," especially if you mean it, are the BEST things you can say.  Even then, it may not be enough.

This happened to me during the day and my mother was right to think that comfort food would make the situation better.  Gellato and chocolate help A LOT.  Recovery is slow and it can take hours to start feeling a bit more in control and a bit more like you can face the problem in the future.  It's important to recognize that you can't fix it in one day, but you can start towards fixing it.  Following this, you will be weak, bodily and emotionally, for at least 12 hours, if not several days.  You need to take this time to rest.  Mentally taxing activities and emotional strain should be avoided.  Being with friends who don't force this on you is HIGHLY recommended.  But if you're not able to hang with friends, getting comfort food and resting in bed is acceptable.  Rest may be required for several days to recover.  During this time, seek help.  I mean, professional help.  If you've had a break this bad, you NEED someone who can help you deal with and regulate your life.  There is zero shame in this, it's like going to a doctor for the flu or for any other sickness.  Do it for yourself and those around you.

Most importantly, you're going to need space, especially from your stressors.  Take that space and be a hermit for a little bit if need be.

Some of you might look at these experiences and say this is more like a panic attack or what have you.  You're missing the point.  This is something detrimental to your health and you need to find a way to deal with it.  This advice is meant to give you an idea of what it can be like and working through it.  As well as helping those around you understand what you will need.  No matter the name, if this happens to you, you need support.  Make sure you get it.

Take care everyone.

Conclusions: An analysis of my stay in China

Living in China / Beijing Conclusions and summations

            So...final thoughts on China?  I'll be honest, I've not had a grand time here.  It's not been slavish or abysmal, but it has been more annoying than I'd like to admit.  China has its merits but it also has a number of shortcomings.  I'll address those here as well as my recommendations about the country.  Bear in mind, I've only lived in Beijing, so please accept this as a manifesto on Beijing as much as China, not with any experience with towns or cities outside that scope.  I'm only speaking from my own experience.

Personal: I will admit upfront that many of the problems I had during my year in China are not actually the fault of China or Beijing, but just poor circumstances.  However, I will give a frank and honest report of my year as a whole.  My first impressions of China were mixed, as I liked the food a lot and was excited for a chance to see another Asian culture, however they were blunted by the crowds, as the city of Beijing is a truly crowded place.  They were blunted further by the paperwork I had to deal with and the incredibly tight time frame I was forced to work within for finding a home, especially after being dumped by potential roommates out of convenience.  Once I found a home, I actually started to like the city.  It took some getting used to, being without the amenities of home, but...I adjusted.

The pollution was something I could never fully get used to, nor the inconveniences of living in China, as there were so many needlessly complicated things.  Every week, I'd be unable to order food via phone or the internet and I had no car, so I'd have to walk to and wait at a pizza place.  I'd have to keep track of my water and electricity constantly to top off electronic cards to pay for them.  Finding a home was also difficult as the best and only one I felt suited me, I.E. was clean and homey, was almost an hour away from work.

When I first started work I was given a lighter load to help ease me into it and overall I liked the job and the students, but my first few months were hectic and full of planning and trying to get into the swing of things.  I have to say though, this was nice.  It gave me a chance to try the new food around me, which was really good and it gave me a chance to explore some of the cultural sites, which filled me with wonder and nostalgia, giving me a real chance to enjoy Chinese history, culture, and to just think and be happy for a bit.

Ultimately, what became the bane of my existence though, were the long work hours and the long commutes.  I would often work between 9-10 hour days 5 days a week and with a 1 hour commute each way, it began to wear on me.  I started wanting to stay home more and more and to go out less and less, unless I needed to.

Eventually my trips out stopped entirely.  This about brings me to when my family visited, around the six month marker.  I'd hit my stride as a teacher, I enjoyed my job(the students really do make it worthwhile), and though I'd had ups and downs, I was doing well, saving money, doing my job, etc. but they reminded me how much I truly missed home, their company...and how depressing China could be.  For me, part of it was how industrialized it was...there was no harmony with nature like in my hometown and there were too many small annoyances.  Being with my family on vacation and getting to go sight seeing, having more American style food at their hotel, and enjoying their company...I really did miss home.

I was fully integrated into living in China by the nine month marker.  By that, I don't mean I was Chinese or as good as a Chinese speaker, but I'd gotten used to it.  I just wasn't happy.  I've lived abroad elsewhere, but the tiny annoyances coupled with the pollution, censorship, and those long...LONG hours I had to work had worn me down and by this time, I'd decided on returning home when my contract was up.  I think it was a good decision, if only to get a dose of family and my own culture, but also to recover from my first year truly cut off from everyone I loved.  I'd made plenty of friends in China, both among the staff at my school and among my students, and I still keep up with some of them, but overall it was the right choice.

I kept on doing work as best I could though.  Never let it be said I am not a man of honor and my word and I kept up with my contract till it was time to go.  The writing was on the wall with news about Christian hate and discrimination on the rise, most of my favorite restaurants and food vendors closing near my home, and the general drudgery that had become part of my life.  I have to say, I enjoyed being a teacher and my staff and especially my students, however China wasn't a good fit for me.  The tiny annoyances and the frustrations with transport and long hours made it hard for me to find happiness there, mostly due to the fact I had no time...none for going sight seeing and none for after work activities...I just wanted to come home and crash.

My last few months in China were spent scrambling...trying to deal with their archaic banking system to send money home and reserving flight tickets and the like.  Very stressful.  Thankfully, my friends in China helped me out a great deal and I managed to work through it.

I've had my fair share of ups and downs here.  China isn't really a bad place to live, but you need a tolerance for the frustrations and things like the pollution, even without the poor hours I was working.  Either way, I stayed as long as I could, but it's time for another adventure.

Before I'm off, let me provide you with some more in-depth looks at China's pros and cons.

Pros:  Yes, China does have pros.  Despite what some Americans might think about the country, it's not some big scary totalitarian government...well, I mean it is, but you wouldn't know to look at it. 

The people here are frank for the most part and if you make friends in China, they will help you and are quite nice and not so fake.  They may not last when you leave the country, but they are nice for the duration.  My students are a great example of the kindness of the Chinese people, but I've experienced it from strangers as well, the odd mix of cordiality and no bones about it attitude.  People here, even if their poor English gives a bad impression, are actually pretty brilliant and have lots of views and ideas to share, many fascinating.

Prices.  Everything but electronics is dirt cheap in China.  Food, utilities, even the rent is much cheaper than in the US.  Now, you get what you pay for, to be certain, but it is easy to live well and save a lot of money in China.  You can live for under 5 dollars a day on food if you shop smart and even less in many areas.  Especially if you cook your own.

Delicious food.  Easily the best part of any stay in China is the culinary experience.  While they do overuse the corriander a bit in my experience, the food here is unlike anything you've had anywhere else in the world.  I've tasted things I'd describe as utterly delicious, decidedly weird, and all things in-between.  There are lots of unique flavors here and many can be bought on the cheap.

Cultural sites.  I've got to say, I have a hard time getting a bead on China's culture as a whole, but they've got some pretty and interesting cultural and historical sites, especially in Beijing, with the great wall being a must see and a true challenge for hikers and sightseers alike.  It's a place that's amazing if you know where to look.

Transportation: The subways here are cheap and can take you all over.  No need for a car or a bike at all.  They've been expanding at a steady rate and there are at least a dozen subway lines throughout Beijing.

Chinese Medicine.  You can and will get sick in China, but they have lots of great treatments that are natural and organic as well as pharmaceutical and artificial.  The medicine here can be quite expensive at hospitals, but traditional remedies abound and are quite helpful for getting over the many maladies you will accumulate in China.

Security.  While you're not immune to being yelled at from time to time or a pick pocket if you're not careful, violent crimes are pretty rare in places like Beijing.  The police do their job and there's security at most stores, big or small, so there really isn't a lot of violent crimes, thefts, or what have you.  Most apartments have guards or at least gates, and it's generally a safe environment.  Crime is...pretty unusual in China.  Not impossible, but unusual.

Cons:

Oh god, the pollution...the city is heavily polluted, to the point where some days it will look like a thick fog outside, but the fog smells of smoke, ash, and trash.  The water and the smells which litter everywhere are unpleasant at the best of times and the love of everyone and their mother to smoke makes it frustrating to find even a gulp of fresh air.

Complexity.  This country is needlessly complex.  Everything from paying bills, to dealing with banks, to even being allowed to live here is accompanied by pounds and pounds of paperwork, to the point that it will frustrate and exhaust you all at once.  The process for sending money home and getting registered to live at the police station are my personal choice for frustrating without necessity.  It doesn't stop at the paperwork either.  I pay for water at the bank, electricity with a card, drinking water at a dispenser downstairs, and rent by dumping money into an ATM.  In the states, I could do all that with a few mouse clicks.  Too complicated

Outdated.  Yeah, China is complicated, but they are way behind the curve in terms of technology.  Partly due to their censorship, partly due to reasons I do not fully understand, China relies almost exclusively on the Internet Explorer Browser and many grocery stores live and die from pirated versions of Windows XP.  Online banking is a literal nightmare of not just complexity but outdated idiocy and frustration.  Everything in China is behind the curve tech wise for the average citizen.

Sanitation.  I guess this could go hand and hand with pollution, but Beijing has terrible sanitation.  The bathrooms are often terrifying, when they're not just gross due to the constant smoking and awful smell wafting out of them.  Food bought off the street or even in restaurants can make you sick and are a pain to deal with and the water from the tap is not safe to drink.  Water in my sink came out brown more than once from the tap.

Censorship.  While not crippling, like a lot of things in China, the great firewall is annoying and tedious.  China blocks access to a large number of sites on the internet which are commonly used, such as google, facebook, and youtube.  This can be easily overcome with a VPN and a little patience, provided your VPN is a good one like Astrill, but it's needlessly complicated and unnecessary, as it just makes your life harder.

Speed.  Everything is slower here.  This goes hand in hand with complexity, but the internet is slower, getting food is generally slower, getting banking done is slower, the complexity, censorship and everything together mean that you will not be able to rush things in China.

Customer service.  It does not exist in China.  Or rather, it is the exception to the norm.  Generally at restaurants, you see the waiter twice, maybe three times.  Once to give you the menu, once to take orders, and once to give you food and your bill.  They do not care about your happiness and in most areas, with the exception of international places like banks, there is no customer service, especially restaurants.  If you are specifically paying someone for that service, it'll be there, but otherwise, expect little.

Transportation.  Yeah, you read right, this is a pro and a con.  The subways are cheap and useful, but they are often crowded so tight that it is hard to breathe, let alone move.  Frequently they too are outdated, with poor A/C or heating, dirty floors, and unclear readouts.  They are a chore to deal with.  Convenient, but also terribly frustrating.  The bare minimum of useful.  Also, the crowds make it very easy to spread disease.

Disease.  Yeah, I said China's medicine was good, but I was sick more in terms of days during my stay in China than in 26 years stateside.  My illnesses could be worse in the states, but I was always fighting of throat infections, strep throat, colds and flues, migraines, and the like...also food poisoning because of the sanitation problems.

Final Thoughts: Some of my words might seem scary, but here's the question most people want to know about...is China worth going to?

For a visit?  Certainly!  The cultural sites here are beautiful and while you still have to deal with the frustrations, it's a good experience.  The food is amazing and since you don't have work, you can explore and see parts of the culture, like I did with my family.  Chinese opera, stage shows, the wall...it's all worth a visit.  Best way to visit China is for only a few days/weeks, in my opinion.

For living or work?  Ehhhhhh...do your research and decide for yourself.  The frustrations in China are nowhere near impossible to overcome, but they can wear on you.  The government, frankly, is not scary, provided you don't go around waving a US flag and screaming about the political systems.  The government is not some looming presence over you.  It's just there, like the US government.  Living in China is actually pretty safe, all things considered, but generally, it does take some adjustment.  If you cannot adjust to the pollution, the complexity, or the archaic nature of their banking systems, you will have a hard time there, but ultimately, you CAN make China work.  If you don't live in Beijing, I'm not able to give you much insight onto what it would be like, but this is life in a big city in China.

For me...it was a good experience.  I learned a lot about myself.  But I'm in no hurry to go back.  I would, for my students, because they were great, but I'm looking forward to another adventure somewhere else, first.

It's been quite a journey, China.  I wish you good fortune in the future.

Working in China Month 13: September 2015

September 2015 From China to Japan

Hey guys, just a heads up here.  Turns out my diary for September was so massive that I feel I need to split it up into two, maybe three sections.  The first one is going to cover just my exit from China.  Here we go and I am heading through my last days of work.  Next week and the following weeks we'll talk Japan, a final conclusion about China, some tips for living abroad, and some followup from homecoming about reverse culture shock.  Enjoy guys.

September 1

I'll be going home soon into an environment that may actually be pretty difficult to get a job that pays enough for me to live on my own, as I do now in China.  I'm a bit apprehensive about it, but I will persevere.  Now, I don't want to sound proud, facetious, or in any way as if I am better than others, so please don't take this the wrong way.  Getting the opportunity I have gotten has not been easy, but with a foot in the door, it IS kinda easy to stay in, provided you do good work, and I have.  It would be easy to stay here, save money and continue living alone.  I'd just need to sign a sheet of paper, continue being observed for screw ups, and deal with the schedule which has taken my sleep and worn me down.  I could do it.  But I would be pretty miserable.

Let's be honest, I like my job.  Even when it's frustrating because not all our subject material is good, the students make it worthwhile and helping them, inspiring them, making them feel like they CAN, because let's face it, even those who speak in broken English are pretty damn brilliant, is an amazing feeling.  But life is more than work and life is more than living for others or just trying to conform to an idea of regularity or even work based pride where you can hold yourself above others.  A large part of it is personal satisfaction and, when you hit moments like I have, the slump of burn out, being supported by people who love you.

I can live cut off from my support group.  With only nominal contact to my family and friends, I have lived this year in China, with all the ups and downs that entails.  But it has been hard.  And I don't want to keep doing it in this current environment.  I want home.  Family.  Friends.  And a chance to re-capture some of the things I left behind, like my reading of Sir Terry Pratchett's Discworld books or my regular perling every week.  I know I'm better off than many.  I don't need the support of my comrades to function.  I keep going.  I'm not so bad off like some who need medicine to keep going or love to stay safe.  But being away...it does remind you how bloody important that is, even if you can live without it.

September has come and I've only got 3 days of work left.  My students are planning dinners for me and I am working towards my Japan trip.  Fingers crossed everything goes well.

September 2
Sigh...despite the usual horse crap of living in China, which took 5 calls to the main office and three separate maintenance men over the course of a week to fix my damn hot water, I also got an email saying that they need my flight itinerary to give me my last paycheck.  I think "Hmmm, okay, fair enough."  So I send it to them the same day and one, the person in charge is out of the office on Holiday.  Really?  I mean, really?  Second, when they get back to me, they say, "we're sorry, but god hates you" and say that because the office will be closed from September 2-5, the EARLIEST I can expect my money is September 11.  The day BEFORE I leave the country.

The beauracracy and frankly stupid paperwork involved in all this blows my mind.  Seriously?  I mean, really?  Welp, better hope to god that the ATM back in the states will accept my card because otherwise there is no hope for me.  Gotta love this country, don't you?

Yeah, I'm annoyed, but it's not just this one time.  I've been dealing with this crap for a whole year and no one gets their act together.  We all know people don't get their act together.  And it is frustrating.

September 4

Bit depressed.  I feel like I get screwed a lot working here, not by management or by the students, but by the corporate side of things since we are a private school.  Whether this is true or not, I have to readjust my plans.  My projections for money sent home keeps going down, as I'm taking it down from 4500 to 4000...the rest of my salary and funds I need for my trip to Japan and any excess will be reconverted into dollars later.  And yes, that is depressing, because my expectation at the start of the year was 6000 dollars.  I did all the numbers and it seemed to be solid, but...whatever.  I did get a rec letter from my boss though, which is pretty cool.

2 days left.  The time for students asking me out to dinner and tearful goodbyes is almost nigh.  Still, I had a good dinner with a student I've had for a while.  He's a charming fellow and while his English isn't perfect, we had a good time eating at a Japanese style restaurant.  He even paid for me, which I hear is pretty common though...my American sensibilities make me want to pay my share.  Still, I ordered pretty lightly on the menu, so I don't feel too bad.

I will miss the students, and one very special teacher who is just adorable, more than anything.  Actually, to cover butts, let's say three teachers who are adorable...yeah...that...

Time goes by so slowly...time goes by I don't know what to do.  Yes, Madonna reference.  Deal with it.  Anyway, two more days, then we're in the home stretch.

September 5

Another day, another bit of work, another dinner with a student sad to see me go.  I admit, I'm a bit exhausted from it all, but I am glad for the friends I've made.  Feels a bit weird...I have one day left of work, then about five days of preparation before I return to Japan.  I cannot wait.

September 6

Ugh...it feels a bit bittersweet, leaving my job for the last time today.  Partly cause I found a new restaurant to eat in, partly because I'll miss my students.  I really will.  And everyone keeps asking me to return to China, which I might to visit, but...ehhhhh I don't really tear up at farewells anymore, but still, it makes you second guess.  I've had to tell myself time and again this is what I want and when you visit the bathrooms...it's pretty obvious this is the right choice.  I will not miss China.  But I will miss the people.  I've been blessed to know some great people, students and teachers alike.  It's been a ride, but I'm glad it's over.  I can finally rest, relax, and get ready to have fun with family and friends.  Now I just need to get the packing and the airport stuff done with and I'll be in Japan.

Still...gonna miss people.

September 7

Ugh...Well, good news and bad news.  Good news is that I've got about 130,000 yen for my trip, with more to come.  I bought a new dress shirt for Japan and work when I hit the states.  I got new head phones and managed to pack one suitcase pretty tightly...too tightly?

Bad news.  I am so burnt out.  Sleep...I need sleep.  I've had a day of traveling from 8am to 5pm, I've been traveling and trying to get stuff ready for my trip.  I am spent and exhausted and there is still much to do.  God help me.

September 9

I feel the tell tale anxiety that has followed me my whole life manipulating me in subtle ways once again.  From seeing others having their life together whereas I'm still drifting to the simple truth that I have gone through so much stress that I've had to take hour long naps the last few days to regain enough energy to do the cleaning and packing I need to do in order to make my home in order so I can get my deposit back.  I know I'm not like many others with anxiety who need medication, I have proven to myself that I can do this on my own, but it is frustrating and I do not think any less of those who need help.

Anxiety is crippling.  Debilitating and even in moments of clarity when you understand that it is not you, but a sickness in your heart and mind talking, it is still very hard to deal with.  I have survived with this for most of my life, from the simple fear of work on the last day of my weekend rather than enjoying it to the outright terror that comes with the upheaval I am leaping headfirst into.  I am going from having a job, even if the pay is pretty low, to having no job and having to start over again in the States.  I have people to help me, but try to imagine that fear...that uncertainty...now remember that there are people who have these things and still fear that fear and uncertainty.

If someone is having a bad day, please be good to them...or at least try.  Because they may have demons you cannot even begin to fathom.

On a positive note, I have one last dinner with my students tonight.  Let's see how that goes.

Update: okay, so I was half wrong here.  I had dinner with my students, another teacher, and her parents and it was pretty good.  Reminded me of the time I spent with my parents using the turn tables to share food with everyone and I had a pretty damn good time.  However. I was wrong because no sooner do I get home and check my email then I have ANOTHER offer for dinner from another student.  Aren't I popular, haha.  I admit, with my date of departure fast approaching, this worries me a little, but this one should be the last and we've agreed to meet close to my home because I need to speak to my friends in Japan tomorrow night to make sure everything is set.

Now, on a more serious note, I'm a bit worried about my health.  I've suffered some major burnout lately and had to nap in the middle of my last few days to try and recover.  Hoping that doesn't follow me to Japan...and also hoping I can fit everything into my bags.

September 10

Oh, the stress continues.  Anxiety hits me hard as I get things packed and ready, but I THINK it'll all work out.  I've managed to squeeze everything I need into my bags, but I'm worried about my laptop and personal bag...it SHOULD fit, but...that doesn't mean it will.  Fingers crossed.  I also had a nightmare of a time trying to check my flights to make sure it's all squared away, but after talking with my travel agent, it seems to be alright.

Finally, I had one last dinner with my student.  It...hits me right in the heart when I have to say goodbye to them.  We had a good dinner together, but she said that lots of people liked me because I was the nice teacher.  That I smiled all the time and tried to make them laugh and helped them and was patient with them.  It...makes me reflect a lot on my experience here.  I've gotten used to saying not goodbye, but rather, see you again.  I don't know if I'll ever live in China again, probably not, but I have plenty of reasons to come back and visit with all these friends I've made.  It's been a crazy ride.  Now I just need to make sure I get on my flight and get to Japan safely.  One more entry in the China diary tomorrow and then we head over to Japan.

September 11

It's been a time...I've gone without sleep due to stress and dealt with more than my fair share of problems over the last few days, but I've left my apartment behind.  To my surprise, I actually got MORE money back than I paid in because I paid in extra electricity and water to make sure I didn't lose my power before it was time to leave.  A pleasant surprise and despite my worrying about the walls, the damage was cosmetic and so negligible that no one even noticed it.  I checked into my hotel and a big worry for me was, the night before I'd gotten a message from a student who wanted to send me a gift.  Now, my bags have been packed, full to the point of bursting, and I have less than 36 hours left in the country, many of those hours already promised to other pursuits.  This has kinda been my whole week, with promises I need to keep and what not, but it all worked out in the end.  The young lady came by my hotel mere moments before this posting and we talked for a bit and said our good byes and she gave me a picture she had made that was very cool.  My students have been very kind to me and I truly will miss all of them.  It's been a year here, in China.

I've not mentioned quite a few things, actually, though some of that just comes from it slipping my mind.  I mean, did you know that instead of a standard truncheon, it seems like Chinese police have truncheon bo staves?  Like two handers?  Crazy.  Also, I was told this but I was made aware first hand that I should not pay when my students invite me out...makes me feel a bit strange, but...who am I to question them?

Now, as a final reflection.  China has been a good experience on the whole.  I've complained about A LOT and I think much of it has been justified, but the students made it worthwhile and the experience was something special, different, and constructive.  Helped me to learn more about myself and gain perspective on my country and my place in the world.  It's been a tough time to be sure, but I am glad I did it, even if I'm not sure I'd want to live in China again.  I probably will visit though, since I have so many friends here.

Either way, I am glad this year is winding down because I am tired.  I want to not worry about deadlines, flights, sleepless nights, the works.  Japan will have some of that, to be sure, but I will be on vacation, so I can go a bit more at my pace, so...there's that.  Anyway, I leave early in the morning.  This is my last diary entry IN China.  After this, I'm gonna be talking about my experience as a vacationer in Japan.

It's been quite a journey, China.  But now it's time to say goodbye.

Working in China Month 12: August 2015

August 2015

August 1

I've had a long night. I've been so full of anger, sadness, frustration, and pure abandon as I walked 30 minutes through the rain looking for a subway, several stations behind what I needed, to get home when...I kind of hit nirvana.
A tranquility, a clarity hit me and I could see all the paths laid out before me, all the choices that would be selfish or self serving and the momentary joy, followed by hollow emptiness that would accompany them. I saw the path I had chosen, the path of honor and protection as well. It was not a path laden with happiness, but it gave me a kind of...peace to know I walked it. Frustrating as it may be, this is my path, the path of the sentinel.
To reclaim that clarity I felt tonight, I continue on that path, hoping anger will be replaced with understanding. For there is no hope but what I make myself and no future but that which I grasp with my own hands.

I won't go into any more details than that, but I feel frustrated by my station in life as a sentinel and a guardian, always helping, seldom being helped.  However I've understood, tonight and before, that that kind of is what a sentinel is.  This frustration accompanies the path of honor I have chosen to walk.  I am saddened by many things and I do not like my current place in the world, be it the job, the friends, the city, or even the feelings, but I keep going.  I stand vigilant and I walk forward.

You can choose to break down and beat the pavement as the rain pours over you, staining all your achievements, or you can soldier forward because no one else will walk the path for you.

And I must soldier forward because there are other things people will not do.  So I must.  If no one else will walk the path of the righteous, then...I shall.  For someone must.  This, I believe.

August 2

Just a quick one here.  Exhaustion and frustration set in.  Now, I find myself wondering, in vain I know because really, it doesn't matter, but I wonder...is it the natural order to trade reliability for convenience every single time or is it merely a mark of immaturity?

For that matter, is it a mark of immaturity to be bothered by such things or is it simply the weakness of being run ragged for almost five days straight that is finally catching up with me.  I wonder, indeed...

August 11

Not much new to report.  Another week, another trip to the bank, another set of being run totally ragged.  Good god, I'm tired and I feel so very old.  While the number of classes I'm supposed to teach has stayed the same, the "extra" stuff I've been asked to do or kinda had my arm twisted into has netted me between 6-7 classes on a daily basis.  I am being run ragged during my last few weeks here in China and...sigh, I just want to sleep, for the most part.

Worried about odds and ends, games and friends, but in the end, I'm trying to stay alive at this point.

August 13

I know I've talked before about how much I miss things back in the States, and it really is true, but traveling abroad, while not fun fun magical super time, has opened my eyes a bit more.  Traveling during college is one thing, it's business as usual, you come back and everything is the way you left it, but...no apartment to go home to, people I left having passed on or moved away...or even the small changes, like weddings from friends...it all happens and nothing is the same as when you go home.

I got some news that surprised me, and though it turned out to be false, it made me take stock of myself and my expectations.  We chain ourselves to a particular image or status or ideal, often enough, like the face of the girl we love who keeps us going or the familiar setup of a game consoles we left in our home, but...it changes.  WE change.  I've had to think a bit more about the future and how its changes will affect me.  The news I got made me feel uneasy for a bit, though I gradually started moving towards acceptance.  For me, changes to the status quo are hard to accept if they are bad, or even just surprising, so...I feel that it may take time.  Hours, days, possibly longer.  But I do accept it and I do move on.

Thinking about love from time to time too, considering I'm getting older and not having any more bites, you might say.  Not sure what I want...either way, I don't have too much time to think on it.  I have work to do and it drains me immensely.

You never truly appreciate what you have until it's thousands of miles away from you.  My time away from everything, from my cousin, to my brother and his wife, to my family and my DnD group have been a constant reminder that you can't take it with you all the time and you can't always find replacements.  DnD here in China fell through hardcore in favor of ballet, which I am honor bound to take part in.  It's kind of made me re-think what I want to take with me next time I go abroad.  The things I don't want to leave behind, including, quite probably, pictures and special games.  I took some, but I've had the most unearthly craving for Ogre Battle, Dark Souls, Breath of Fire, and my Suikoden games of all things.  Steam and the internet offer some decent replacements, but I am an old sort who misses the originals.

Thankfully, a bit of my time thinking has also helped me to motivate myself to get things done.  While working life is hard, I have hit a small grove of reading/editing during the week, video editing on my weekends, and Japanese training.  It's small pleasures, but I do enjoy them...a bit, anyway.  Hoping to have my book read all the way through by the time I head out to Japan.

This will be a short week as my vacation before I resign is upon me.  I have four days this week, then 5 days off, then 3 days the following week.  Looking forward to it like you cannot believe.  After being run so ragged...I am ready for a break.

August 14

I have to say, my last post has a LOT more meaning now.  Sigh.  I got handed a rather frustrating surprise today at work where a glitch in the way the system handles leave requests left me in the negative.  So, small scale panic attack.  It plays right into me having to deal with surprises and changes at a rapid pace.

I THINK I've figured out the solution.  See, I have several days in lieu from when I worked extra days or holidays were on my days off, and I never used them because I thought they would just be applied to the leave I had automatically, but...not the case, so I have a few extra as well.

My manager seems satisfied and I'm glad, cause I can't come in to work on the days I got off, nor do I want to lose the small extra pro rated salary I'd get for my days in September.

And our center is undergoing renovations, leaving us with maybe...4 classes usable to share amongst about 8 teachers?  I see a problem with this, do you?  Sigh...my last month is going to be an eventful one, it seems.  Cannot wait for my upcoming mini-holiday.  I plan to spend at least 1-2 days just resting...maybe reading my book, but NOT editing videos, maybe not even playing games.  We'll see.

I'm in the home stretch.

August 17

I swear, there is a conspiracy against me in this country.  The DAY my vacation starts, I get a nasty bit of sore throat, requiring more medicine, AND I pulled something in my leg last night in ballet...ugh, this is frustrating.

As much as I might complain about some of the more frustrating aspects of life here, (today I had to go downstairs with an empty tank of water, refill it, then haul it back upstairs to have clean drinking water,) I believe I might actually be having a grass is greener situation with home.  Some aspects will be undoubtedly better, but a lot of that love and affection may come from the idea itself rather than the reality.

I'll see when I get home.

Today, after doing some souvenir shopping for friends, I had the weirdest bit of deja vu...when I was a few years younger and more emotional, or romantic if you were, I'd dream a bit more if I was struck by a person I'd seen.  It happened again today and I had to chuckle a little at the whimsical nature of my dreams.  Dreams that will never come.  Though, that's not really a downer thing.  I saw a girl today who I knew nothing about and had no reason to talk to.  My mind just wandered and there we go.  It's weird and sometimes amusing to think about where your brain goes if you just let it.

Trying to recover on my vacation, in spite of my illness.  Today I did souvenir hunting and tomorrow I have banking.  My plan is to use the last two days to actually recover and do nothing but game and marathon anime or series I enjoy.  Or both.

11 more work days out of 3 weeks remaining.

August 19

Customer service?  WHAT's THAT?!  Today, after struggling with my hot water meter for weeks and being told time and again that I am a mentally damaged chimp who doesn't know how to use my charge card by the main office, I finally call my agent, get a maintenance man up there and...get told the same thing.  APPARENTLY, the meter either won't charge until I am bone dry without any hot water, OR it's broken.  Either way, they will not get off their butts to fix it until one or the other happens.

And there is nothing I can do about this.

Say it with me, kids.

I hate living in this country.

Update:  Look, I don't want to get political, but I do want to actually speak my mind about something that kinda makes me a little sad.  Social media is full of people who see some act of injustice in America or the political circus that we have and are like "We live in Dystopia/this country is watching us/we are all going to die" and I just have to shake my head.  China is not a dystopia.  Neither is America.  They both have problems and there are trade offs.  You wanna know a fun fact?  A French man was butchered, in the streets, by a man with a sword, who hated foreigners, last week here in Beijing.  Barely anyone talked about it in the Chinese or Foreign news, partly due to the Tianjin explosion, which has been covered up slightly to reduce the magnitude of the damage and irresponsibility, but also partly because the collectivism here is strong and no one is bothered by it for the same reason certain parts of America turn a blind eye to brutality.

Now, in America, even with racism or prejudice, with social media, any evidence of brutality by the police or by a nut job with a sword can be on tumblr in ten minutes or less.  Some people have apps for that.  In China...no.  No twitter, no tumblr, no facebook, and the approved social media is HEAVILY regulated, so you CAN be blocked.  And the kicker?  This guy walked into the street with a sword and no one thought anything of it.  In the States, we'd have already called the police.

Now, some of you might think I'm bad mouthing China because I'm an American.  Let me give you some fun facts.  Who has the guns in China?  Police and a few small collectors with very specific permits.  How many gun related deaths are there in Beijing?  Close to zero.  So, yeah, it sucks that this event was censored and that lots of China is regulated...but it sucks that in America, countless thousands die because of gun violence each year.  Trade.  Offs.  You wanna think you live in a dystopian country while you sip your cappuchino in Starbucks and text with your Iphone?  Try living in a country where you can turn your faucet on and brown water pours into your sink.  You wanna call dystopian on a country that censors the internet to a certain degree?  Try living in a country where anyone can get a gun and walk into the street to kill someone if they so desire.

Perspective is all I want from you, people.  Because while I may not like living in China, it is no dystopia.  There are activities we should discourage, like the censorship or ddosing or religious persecution, but we could LEARN a lot from them too.  And America, not a dystopia either.  Stay vigilant, spread the news, but if you go around declaring the end of the world because something terrible happens, you're gonna have a hard...HARD future in this world...cause terrible things happen, but you know what?  It beats a thousand years ago when the average life expectancy of men and women was in their 30s.  Think about it. 

August 21

Well, another "fun" part of living in China, that I didn't think about when I was actually looking for my own apartment, is that close to your lease expiring, if you do not plan to renew it, people will come to your house and ask to come look at it.  Sometimes they will have agents who speak English...sometimes not.  For the most part, this is pretty harmless, but when I'm laying down for a nap, or gaming, or eating lunch and I get a knock on my door and it's someone who wants to look at my place...I get a mite annoyed.  In America, they would have a demo apartment or use an empty one.  In China?  Screw your convenience, I guess.

Just for a bit of dated history, today North and South Korea started talks of a "semi" or a "quasi" war...over propaganda being broadcast at the border.  Sigh...most of these threats seem to be pretty empty, but at the same time, I have to make a connecting flight in Seoul when I leave China to head to Japan, which is closer to the border of the North and South than I would like.   I would like for this idiocy to be resolved before I go, but...I dunno, maybe I'll send a copy of my diaries home in case I don't make it.  People might think that's morbid, but...I've kinda lived near the crazies for almost a year now and the closer you are, the more relevant it is to you.  Pays to be prepared.  However I'd like for this to be nothing, since I want to see my family, my cousin, my brother and his wife are expecting a kid, for god's sake...anyway, that's all for now.  My vacation is over and I head back to work tomorrow, so...let's see how that goes.

August 25

I really will miss my students.  I've tried hard to be a good teacher and for the most part, my students have really shown appreciation for me, even signing up for my game based activities in droves.  They're good people who wear me out, but still make me smile.  Problem is, speaking of being worn out, I've been suffering from burn out like crazy lately and the fact that Mondays are my late days AND they've wrangled me into teaching 7 classes instead of the usual 5 with only 2 hours to plan, eat, and breathe...it doesn't help.

I'm fed up with living here, if I'm being honest.  Most of that is just me, too.  It's not a knock on Chinese culture because I can see WHY people enjoy it here.  The cost is low, the food can be quite good, if you know the sights or the clubs, it's great, and if my students are any indication, when you make a Chinese friend, they are AWESOME.  But...the poor health conditions and the general frustrations have worn me out.  I bought a light to replace one that was burnt out today, for example.  Right size, right socket, still doesn't fit?  Why?  Because the craftsmanship on my lamp is a piece of ass and it won't allow me to screw in or screw out the burnt out bulbs, even though I've done it in the past.  Yeah...I'm not gonna miss that.  I hope things settle down with the Koreas because I still haven't heard back from people I've tried contacting about what to do if things get crazy.  My travel agency helped me a lot in booking my flight, but...again, China and customer service DO NOT MIX.

August 26
Oh customer service suuuuuuuuuucks, their customer service suuuuuuuuuuuucks, this is the China customer service song and it suuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

So, yeah, after a short binge of gaming, I use the bathroom and, huh, that's a funny sound.  Go to wash my hands and...nothing.  No hot water, no cold water.  Without warning, apology, or explanation, the building's water has been turned off.  Water I paid for.  Can you see why using a meter is bloody stupid yet?  I HATE this country's water and hygiene.  It's deplorable and the fact that they can just do this whenever they damn well please annoys me to no end.

I have a small store of drinking water to keep me going, but...3 more weeks.  Breathe and exhale, 3 more weeks and I am free of this idiocy.

August 29

Stress has been creeping up on me, slowly and quickly all at the same time.  Today I only had 4 classes and felt like I was about to hit a brick wall all the way through them.  To be fair, my early students didn't seem to care at all, which made it hard for me to encourage them to keep trying...either way.  I keep on keeping on.  I've felt like crying today.  I really really have.  I don't even know why, either.  I've just felt so beaten and worn down.  Yet I have to keep going.

Got my second to last paycheck and hoping that my math is good so that I can get what I need and send extra money home.  Dropped some money on gifts for my friends in Japan and that about completes my shopping in China.

I'm ready for a rest.  God, do I need it.

August 31

Well, well, well...I told my agent and the office AND the maintenance men that I couldn't add money to my hot water meter and today...it ran out.  And still no assistance.  This is my surprised face.  Sigh.  Customer service is not a thing in China.  Still, I proved them that I'm not crazy, but now I have to wait for my days off to get hot water.  This country continues to frustrate me.

That said, I REALLY will miss my students.  So many have not only been kind but very good to me.  I got gifts from a few and others have offered to take me to dinner, while others are just glad that I'm here for a few more days.  Speaking as a teacher, it CAN be very difficult work, especially if the students don't care or hit a block.  However, when you get that one student who gives a damn, even if they aren't good or have trouble, it really invigorates you.  Makes it worth while because you know you're helping, you're making a difference and you can see and feel it from the student's voice and face.

This, I think is my first time with the possibility of never returning somewhere and while I will not miss China, I may miss this job, hard though it has been.  It makes me a tad nostalgic and sad.  Either way, this is what needs to happen for me.  Still, I will miss my students and said a potential goodbye to one of the staff.  We'll see how my last 4 days go.

4 days, counting down.