Working in China Month 6: February 2015

February 2015:

February 1-6

Ugh...so exhausted.  This month has tested my patience and my will with the VPN issues, Youtube copyright claims, and just general stress of teaching.  I've spent more time out of class helping students, sometimes spending 30 minutes to an hour addressing their personal worries and trying to get them to stop apologizing and a few have taken it upon themselves to teach me Chinese, little by little.

I got to teach my class on Dragons and while fun, I worry it wasn't as enjoyable for the students as it was for me.  Either way, I now have some cool laminated dragon pictures for my use whenever I want them.  I'm just so worn down lately, part of it being disease, part of it being trying to balance everything.  I've almost gotten what I need for my legal work, but still waiting on other stuff, such as from my family for their impending vacation here in China.

Life needs to give me a minute to breathe.

February 10
Trying to figure out taxes for the overseas traveler.  It's more than a little confusing.  Speaking of confusing, trying to also figure out if my debit card in China will work in the States...also wondering about some stuff in regards to my legal education...did I fill out the form correctly?  3 hours of CLE training later, I feel dead to the world.

I miss having days off and weekends when I could just...relax.  I don't do as much work these days as when I'm actually working, true, but it still sucks.  And...my friends are busy, so I can't take solace from them.  They're working, so they won't respond to my requests, due to the time difference and business...or they will and they'll tell me they can't talk because...yeah.

Internet is still frustrating at times.  Still not sure what to do about spring festival, where most food places will close.  I have survived my cold, but I feel more and more beaten down by life.  I just want to give up sometimes.

But I can't.  Even without the people at home who rely on me surviving so they can live peacefully...whether they know it or not...if you give up now, then what about the people who will need you who you haven't met yet?  Everyone is necessary.  So, I have to keep going.

Jennie Breedan's webcomic, The Devil's Panties keeps me going at times like this.  A daily visit for me online and it makes me smile, if only a little.  My games are a good distraction, but sometimes I need nostalgia, randomness, and humor, which the DP gives in spades. 

I...have been missing being in love, lately.  It makes emotions difficult.  At work, I will be business.  I must be.  At home, I am usually too tired to worry.  But on my days off, I have time to think.  And I miss being loved.

Someone close to me started dating recently.  Not sure if it's the best idea, considering her choice, but I can't really blame her.  It's an intoxicating feeling, being loved and being needed.  Familial and platonic love can carry you far, but there's something different about being loved romantically.  You, of all people are chosen...you're special.  I miss that...I hate missing that, because it wasn't what I was told.  Wasn't what I was promised.  It nearly destroyed me.  Closest I have ever come to losing myself.  And why do I remember that now, of all times?

No matter where I go, I know I'll have these demons following me.  Love and lust, fatigue and envy, sloth and worry, anger and sadness.  Neither sins or flaws, but parts of being human...the demons we all carry.

Like I said, I can't just quit though.  So, I live on.

February 11

Went out to get my dinner tonight and I've been struck by something that makes me sad.  I've talked at length about the air here, how the smog or what have you can make you cough and sick, but...it goes deeper than that.  Even when it looks clear, there is a terrible stench of smoke, sewage, and trash...even if I don't smell, I can still feel the grime when I breathe and it makes me sad...makes me miss my home, where I could take a big breath of deep, clean air.  I also miss going out walking at night.  I could do it at home when I needed some exercise or to clear my head, but...the stench, the poor air, the lights, all the people...it means I can't.  And that saddens me.  The only time I have of quiet to think is when I'm alone in my home...I can't be walking or moving when I want clearing head time.

February 12

Drama from home will follow you no matter where you go.  Not gonna say much more than that.  Hoping it will get resolved soon, because really, there's not much I can do about it from over here.  I can tell people I love them, mean it, and offer advice, but if people want me to take sides...ain't gonna happen.  I am over 6000 miles away from the incident...not a lot of point in taking sides for a battle I won't fight.

February 17
Hahahahahahaha, I hate spring festival.  Everything closes down, there are fireworks at all hours of the night, and going to any grocery store is pure HELL.  Black Friday has nothing on a Chinese super market the day before Spring Festival.  I do get some days off, which is good, but I hate going to grocery stores here.  You think Wal-mart is incompetent?  Or Target?  Imagine lines, with a dozen registers running, so long that they twist around an entire aisle.  I went looking for crackers and stumbled upon a line 5 yards long gumming up the aisle.

And of course, no one here seems to understand how to be gracious, conscious of space, or to just move out of the bloody way.  People will stop in an intersection to look at tangerines and cause a 5 cart pile up with no craps given.  Class act.

Truth be told, though I am frustrated beyond belief by all this, I'm looking forward to cooking again, if only a little.  I have very few tools on me, but it's the independence and power to make your own meals.  I'm staying simple with curry rice, spaghetti with meat and sauce, PB&J, and a few other easy dishes, but still, feels good.  If I had more time, more supplies, or more craps to give, I'd go a bit more in detail.  But I don't, so I won't.

Speaking of cooking and grocery stores, they will shove any amount of samples in your face to get a sale.  Helpful in some cases, since I found meat I might actually like, but also very frustrating, as the pressure is high...and they don't give you samples of cheese, which is more expensive than gold here.

Ugh...also, CLE training.  I've finished, but now I need to apply for my certification to prove I completed the course.  God, so much work for a tiny piece of paper -_-u

February 18
So tired.  I went looking for the temple of hell today to look over some hell paintings and enjoy a spring festival...well, festival.  Spent 2 hours in the cold looking with no luck.  I stopped by yonghegong again, this time heading to the temple of earth, purely on a whim...and lo and behold, there was a festival there.

It was pretty standard, save for the security, which was INSANE.  We're talking x-rays, we're talking metal detectors, we're talking body scanners...crazy.  Still, the festival was like a state fair back in NC.  Lots of games for the kiddies, a few people on stage making idiots of themselves for their amusement and the amusement of the crowd, and lots and lots of things to eat and buy.

Everything from kitschy stuff like plastic swords and masks to professional art pieces and souvenirs were being sold.  I saw food that...honestly, while it looked good, the price was too much.  I could get it cheaper on the street outside my home rather than at the festival.  I saw a pineapple half filled with gluttonous rice and other things that I didn't touch, but I did try the churros.  They were not very good.  The vanilla yogurt and chocolate sauce they used was very weak.

I saw an SNK figure that a friend of mine would die over and caved and bought it.  Will I sell it to them or will I give it to them...time will tell.  Either way, I spent more money than I wanted.  I debated buying so many things, but I didn't need most of them or wasn't satisfied with their quality as a gift, so I didn't bother.

I did get my initials in the form of colorful animals.  The artist was an old man who was really skilled at using a flat piece of either brush or plastic to just make beautiful blends of color in the form of a fish for S, a peacock for R, and a dragon for N.  Great stuff.  Then, I got fleeced.  See, the painting itself is dirt friggin cheap, only 30 RMB for a beautiful art piece.  The LAMINATING cost, you know to keep it from being ruined on the way home, is 80RMB, making the total cost 110RMB.  I was wondering about how to keep it safe and couldn't speak Chinese to negotiate...so, I got fleeced.  First time for it.  Still, it was worth the money, but...that pisses me off.  Shoulda seen it coming.

Too tired to do much else tonight.  Just a bit of gaming, video editing, skyping with friends, and trying to relax with FIREWORKS EXPLODING ALL AROUND ME OUTSIDE!  Seriously, it's like the friggin 4th over here.  Spring Festival is a time where sleep is a nice dream for those who actually need it...a dream laughed at by those setting off fireworks every few seconds.

Ugh...need rest.

February 21

I'm very tired now, but for the time I had off, I felt...unusually at peace.  I've realized that I like many things about China, but I don't like China itself.  The whole package versus the different parts, you might say.  And that is just for me.  Others like it, and I get why, but I...cannot.

I think I'm also realizing that the reason I feel tired most nights before work is purely the anticipation of work the next day.  I do like my job, but the hours I need to work are frustrating.  As is some of the other parts of China, for example having to get food at the same places due to the price and the English menus.

I got a chance to cook during my time off and I actually really enjoyed it, but...it just reminds me how much I miss the food back home, especially some of the fast food.  Anyway, I might try and cook a bit more, since I have leftover noodles and rice to work with.

Anyway, this month is almost up.  Next month, family comes to visit.  That should be fun.

February 24

I went back to work for just two days, considering that I had had a big holiday, but still...very tired.  I got so frustrated with one set of students.  I tried my best not to let it show and I didn't lose my temper, or my cool, but I had to try and break the lesson down into much more basic levels for them and they still had issues with it.  It saddens me a little, because one thing I need to learn is how to handle students who are not up to their level, so to speak.  Talking slower helps, trying to make the tasks simpler helps, using more graded language helps, but sometimes...the students just will not try or will not be engaged.  As one of our teachers, and my father, have said...you can take a horse to water, but you cannot make them drink.  Still, I have to keep trying.  But those kinds of classes exhaust me so very much.

Anyway, today in particular, I had to go to the US Embassy.  Hard to find, tucked away along a row of embassies, but security there is...well, not scary, but extensive.  They have guards and a gate, they do three different types of scans, and you cannot carry any electronic equipment with you into the embassy.  A lot of stuff just to get a notarial seal.  I had to get my documents for paralegal re-certification notarized and this was the only option.  Expensive, troublesome, and exhausting, but...goddammit, I refuse to cheat and take the easy way out.  I do not lie...so I have to get a notarial seal the right way.  And so I did.

Stopped by a pizza hut with an English menu...I was not impressed.  So many pizzas with peppers.  A bit disappointing.  Most stores are still closed, which is tiresome, but I think my go to fast food place is open...so there's that.  Anyway, trying to get a lot done before my family comes to visit.  I've been feeling low lately.  Not seriously depressed low, just... a bit off.  I won't go into too much details, but a part of it certainly comes from the environment.  The inconveniences of living in China.  Especially the internet, which frequently screws me.

Life is hard and I worry about my finances.  I get paid soon, certainly, however I have to use a lot to pay my rent, for food, and getting money ready for my family.