Working in China Month 5: January 2015

January 2015:

January 1-6
Not much to say about the new year.  I have worked and struggled, but I keep going.  I think I'm close to or in the middle of cultural fatigue, which is a condition where, having gotten acclimated to a new culture and climate, you start feeling despair and sadness because you miss your old home and are sick of the new one.

I am still getting on fine in China, but I will have more and more bouts of missing home which make me believe that fatigue is upon me.  Alongside that, I've felt more and more tired these days, especially at work.  I have too much to do and too little time.

I've been working to find a gift for a friend too.  I only found two and one was broken...the problem is, I have two friends, so...I keep looking.  I can buy one online, if need be, however I'd like to avoid the trouble if possible.  Still, with the fare increase of the subway, it becomes more and more expensive to travel frivolously.

January 7-8

I forgot to mention.  When it rains, it pours.  My USB controller is dying...gonna have to get my family to get me a new one and bring it to me when they visit.  Making plans right now to try and visit them, plan my dragon class for my school in February, and register for a CLE course to keep my paralegal certification.  God, I need a vacation TT_TT

January 9-10

Remember when I said it rains, it pours?  When it monsoons, it hurricanes would be more accurate.  God, so tired...I've had two straight days of observations, with the senior staff watching me teach.  First one didn't go so well, but my observer was one of the nicer teachers who actually knows how to give bloody constructive criticism without being a jerk.  The other day, I wasn't so fortunate.

Yes, I had the same crap from last time, but since I taught a better class, I had less chewing out and more my observer being overly critical.  Contradicted previous advice given to me, frustrated me, and generally put a bad taste in my mouth.

This morning, I tried again and couldn't find the gift I wanted for my friend.  Next week is my last try, since the guy there promised me he'd have it next week.  Last try before I say screw it and buy it online.

Also, to top it all off, on my way home, ten feet from the elevator, I slipped, Loony Tunes style, and cracked my knee on the linoleum floor.  It hurts, it's not bleeding, but it's got a nasty bruise.  Life is fun here in China, right now...

Good news?  I am hoping to start a DnD group on Sunday.  More to come about that, if it gets off the ground.

January 11

DnD night!  Right off the bat, I felt gimped...one of our players bailed on us immediately.  Needless to say, she will not be invited back.  We give her weeks of notice and she tells us less than an hour before we play that she's got other plans.  Classy.

That being said, we got started well enough.  Only two seasoned players of the four who attended, me being the DM, and our senior teacher as the thief.  Our neophytes are getting into it though, with a somewhat lecherous cleric and a strong willed elven maiden.  I have to say, I lack experience.  I struggled a little with what to say or do for the encounters.  Once the monsters rolled out, easy as pie, but the world building and conversation trees, the role playing...I need practice.  It'll be better next time.  Still, nonetheless, we got some great experiences out of it.  Our thief is a smart ass with clever tricks, but not that much intelligence, so he can get himself in trouble easily.  Our cleric is able, but a bit unlucky.  Our elf is competent and scary when she gets going.

First encounter of the campaign was a small group of kobolds trying to ambush a caravan.  After a rocky set of combat, where we nearly lost our elven maiden, I gave them a clue leading them to a kobold hole.  The thief, having tricked one of the other caravan guards, got some much needed help from an NPC fighter when they decided it would be a bright idea to invade.  Thank god for our elf...she read the kobold message on the map I had provided using her spells to realize there was a trap.

So naturally, they decided to smoke them out and set a trip wire.  The trap took out one Kobold and three fell on their faces thanks to a trip wire.  Sadly, the remaining Kobolds and their chieftain nearly destroyed the party, with our plucky thief getting a spear through his chest which, while not fatal, will I hope remind him that he has very few HP.  Our elf saved the day, slaying 3 of the 4 remaining kobolds and forcing the chieftain to retreat.  Housten, I think we have a leader.

January 13

You think Black Friday is hell?  Try surviving a Chinese grocery store.  The lines are bloody insane.  I just wanted to pick up a little soda and we have lines of like 30 minutes for only 3-4 people.  Needless to say, I said screw that noise, paid a few extra RMB and bought some soda at a convenience store near my home which had, surprise surprise, NO LINES!

I hate Chinese grocery stores.  No self check out, very slow regular checkout, even in express lanes, and ultimately, just...rather poor service.

January 14
It's pretty early morning here in China, right now.  I've had a frustrating day and I'm getting ready for bed.  Had trouble with my games, had frustrations with trying to get work done...I do so much work on my weekends and it's sad and annoying.

But, I'm sitting here, right now, listening to a comedian, a guy named Martin Billany, Little Kuriboh, talking a little about depression and the fact that he's still here.  How he feels good and happy lately, working through it and talking about how he loves to make people laugh.  How helping others is one of the best feeling for him and it helps keep him going.  It has me thinking.

I've spent a little time talking to someone special.  She ought to know who she is if she reads this, and no she's not a girlfriend or anything like that.  It was nice.  I'm not going through depression so much as frustration, but it felt so good just talking.  I'm reminded of why she means so much to me.  That after being apart for a while, we can still talk and joke and of course we discuss how much we miss each other, but we just sort of tease and laugh and are...family.  My father told me that I should be living for myself, that do things for you rather than others and to an extent, I get it.  We need to move under our own power.  But for me, I've for a long time styled myself as a sentinel.  A guardian.  A protector and someone you can rely on.  And that reliance has been a driving force for me.  It feels good to be needed.  No one is an island. 

Yeah, we do need to live under our own power.  And much as I like my co-workers here, when I come home, I'm alone.  I keep going, I keep my own projects moving because let's be honest, no one cares about them but me.  And that's okay because it means something to me.  But none of us should live alone.  Not completely alone.  People love to say we need nothing, we can do it on our own, we're strong, but human beings...any kind of living creature, really, cannot grow in a vacuum.  We need people.  I think talking to my friend was not a reminder of that, but merely...a connection.  It's a way I keep going.  I have lots of people I love and each of them help motivate me.  There are only few people I trust more than any.  There's been 3 people I've loved more than anything in my life, 2 of whom have betrayed me.  But speaking with this friend, who ironically wasn't in that last list, the one who stayed with me was my god mom who I loved...my friend is kind of different from that feeling of love I'd had.  I told her once, I'd stay in the States if she asked me.  If she needed me.  I do that because she's earned it.  Earned a trust that is near absolute.  A trust which...transcends love or attraction.

There is a connection there and it helps me to keep going.  Reminders of that connection.  A feeling about it.  Even far away, missing her, missing my family, my games, my DnD group, the simple luxuries like my sofa or a regular internet connection, those connections and reminders give us the strength to stand on our own.

I've been going through a lot of cultural fatigue, but I can stand on my own and have for a good 4 months now, being on my own here in China.  That bridge though...it helps keep us moving forward.  A bridge is meant to be crossed when needed, but otherwise it is a reminder of connections.  That we are not an island, alone in the ocean, but part of the world at large.

January 15

Wow, that last entry was a bit deep and showed my deep caring for other human beings, huh?  Welp, time for life to screw me again.

Heard back from the State Bar.  See, I'm not only working abroad, but also certified as a paralegal in NC.  Now, I have been planning for a good month or so to try and take some CLE courses to recertify so that I can keep this title which I worked for for half a year and dropped upwards of 5000 dollars on to get both the training and to get the application I needed.

Their stance?  "We know you're trying to be honest, but we don't care."  If you are overseas, it turns out, for a period of more than a year, it may be impossible to recertify, since you have to sign the paper in the presence of a notary of the United States.  And that is nearly impossible in my current situation.

So, yeah, my weekend just gave me a big fat screw you to me and I may lose my certification.  I still have my training, I still have my job experience, but this seems especially apathetic and unfair of an organization that should respect someone who is trying to be honest and respect the legal field.  I feel...more or less totally betrayed right now.

January 17

Frustrated.  I may have found my solution to the problem.  The US Embassy has US notaries, so I might be able to get this done, but it's just one more added bit of idiocy and frustration in a long list for the next few months.  I am tired.  I want to go on adventures or at least enjoy my weekends, not spend them working on classes for school, legal education, or paperwork.

I don't burn bridges if I can help it and being honest, despite how frustrating and difficult it is, is just in my nature, so I pretty much have to.  I don't know how to be dishonest...and my honor comes before all so...here we go.  Trying to find some fun in life now...paperwork and class prep needs to give me some room to breathe.

I did finally find a gift for one of my friends though.  Not quite the same model or size, but the same concept...and I hope that she likes it.  I am too nice sometimes.  And so humble too.

January 20-21

I just dragged this week...not sure if I was sick or what, but I felt like death for the large part of the work week and I had to force myself to keep going.  I seem to always be yelling at home, usually at my internet, which is frustrating to try and get going at the best of times.  My online game of choice, Hearthstone, has also been frustrating me immensely.

For my birthday, I wanted a cake, but the place I went to was out of big ones and the other stores selling cakes wanted upwards of 40-50 dollars per...so, I got a few small cakes, really no bigger than a tiny pudding cup...a bit sad in hindsight, but I've had a good birthday, regardless.  Frustrations with my internet and some games aside, I finished a game I was working on for months, managed to connect my 3ds to the internet, so I can get more games if I want, and I've created and published a tribute to an internet comedian who, regrettably, died last year.  Justin Carmical, you are remembered.  This has been a bit melancholy for my birthday, but still enjoyable.

Wednesday was a better day.  I had lunch with a friend from work and found a new eatery right next to where I live that serves western food and at late hours, so I can go there on my late nights.  It was a good time.  I even got a little A&W root beer.  My friend even paid for me...like my father taught me, I refused her three times, then just gave in.  We went to a mall after that and she did some shopping for herself while I held the bags.  Hey, after paying for lunch, I was glad to help.  We got some strawberry milk tea and passion fruit smoothies.  Very enjoyable stuff.

This has been a bit sad for a birthday, but only because I miss the people I love back home and this is my first time away from all of them for so long.  Still, I'm still here, I'm still going.  Hopefully I can get what needs doing done sooner rather than later.

January 24
The VPN Crackdown in China is frustrating...google does not want to work on my firefox, though Chrome is better.  I hate this country's firewall.  It DOESN'T WORK.  It's just annoying.  I have my vpn, it works, I can do what I want, they are just inconveniencing people as far as I can see.

Also, I am kinda tired of being either forgotten or ignored.  God bless them, I know some of my friends don't mean to forget me and I know they have their own lives, but when someone promises me that we will talk, then says we will talk in an hour or two, then nothing and I can only deduce they have gone to bed...I feel very sad and very...very tired.  I know it isn't meant to hurt me, it's just humans being humans.  But still...sigh.

January 30
Survived my first performance review and I'm...about on par?  I'll take it.  So tired and worn down.  I have finished preparation for my dragon class, however I've got far too much paperwork to do still.  Work for CLE mostly.  It needs to be ready by March.  By then, perhaps I can breathe easily.  I'm trying to stay positive.  Taken to humming Binks Sake at work from One Piece, because the carefree melody of the humming swordsman, Brook, tends to give me a little peace and energy.  It reminds me of sailing and makes me feel a bit better being alone...or feeling alone.

Talked with another student on the train tonight.  Bit weird, since her English isn't on my level, so I have to take it slower and explain a lot, but still, interesting.  I've thought about learning Chinese, but after her crash course, I'm more wary than before.  Each set of letters has one of four tones that can also be used with it and this totally changes the meaning.  It is...scary, at times.

Feeling lonely, just a bit.  I get to talk to people I love now and again, like I did recently with a friend in Japan, but at times it's very overwhelming.  I have to handle the lion's share of it myself to.  It's well and good that my friends love me and the like, but they aren't here to cook for me or help me with my stress or my paperwork.  So, I have to keep living on my own.  It is tiresome.  My new year hasn't started off bad, but I feel...oddly out of place, I think.

January 31

Remember that not starting off bad shit?  Yeah, China's VPN crackdown has hit my VPN hard.  I spent a fair bit of time without net today and finally managed to claw and crawl back up to enough speed to stream video off youtube, however not sure how long it will last.

At my performance review, I told my boss that I'd probably only stay for a year, due to missing my family and wanting to explore more of Asia.  I can add because China's government can screw with your internet, which you pay for, on a whim, to that list.  I defended those idiots for getting things done up till now.  Yeah...not any longer.  I cannot wait to get out of this country.