May: May 8- May 14

May 8, 2017

            You can tell it’s Monday and after a vacation at points.  I actually thought that I’d done pretty well today…maybe I did…but some of my students were really dragging their feet after the holiday, so I had to hold their hand a bit.  There seem to be a few students still on holidays or on school trips, so the classes were thinned greatly, though the number of total classes I taught remained unchanged. It just made it a bit harder at points.  Getting better with the younger students, as I’ve found a few more tricks to keep up interest and to keep them moving and working.  Hoping for more.  I created that second modular exercise I talked about earlier.  The first one was small talk amongst friends, this one is asking a stranger for help/information.  I think it’s a bit more useful for those seeking to travel or do homestays.  I’ve had to shelve it for today though, since the classes were so thin.  Maybe tomorrow or the day after.  Most disappointingly is that taboo hasn’t really hit off.  It’s a fun game if you can get a decent number of people working on it, but the small number coupled with my students’ hesitance has made me think I ought to shelf it for good…I am unsure.  I’ll run it in my stronger classes and see how it goes. I went in to school today with less worry.  Not sure if it’s still gone, but I am definitely tired.  I must also still be dragging after the holiday.  Well, the honeymoon is over, as they say.  Now, the real work begins. It’s nothing I can’t handle, though.  I just hope I live up to the standards set for me.

May 9, 2017

            Not sure why, but today hit me with more stress than ever.  It wasn’t too different from yesterday, to be honest.  Some good classes, some difficult classes, me trying to improve my game as a teacher, but when it was all said and done, I just felt…drained.  Exhausted.  I guess, like the students, I’m dragging my feet after vacation.  It’s nice that some of my cohorts have said with a few of the difficult classes that it’s not all on me.  Many students just don’t want to try and that frustrates me, since in my previous environment, there was a lot more commitment, largely because the students themselves were paying.  Still, I never lose my cool in class.  The instant you lose your cool, you’re done as a teacher.  While I may end up stressed and drained, in class I have the patience of a saint.  Well, not much to do but ride through people’s exhaustion and lethargy after the golden week vacation. 

I have a plan to go buy some tatami mats to sleep on on Thursday and I have hopes that I’ve made the right choice, so that that will help with me getting more rest and being less drained.  I also want to write tomorrow, but I need to accept that at times, taking care of my body takes priority over desires. I might need it just for rest.  We’ll see if it’s a day like that.

            I had a sad moment today, as well.  It’s my own doubt in the sincerity of others.  While I have some I can trust unquestioningly, I do still question at times.  It’s a leftover.  A neurosis from my childhood.  It’s frustrating because while I feel I can be trusted without any doubts, I know that people will always have the same reservations about me that I do about them.  It’s…human nature, I guess.  True, we push on through to try and forge bonds, but I want to believe in other people.  Despite the claims of some that I am a gloomy person, I’d say I have more faith in people than most.  Largely because I want to believe that people are better than life often proves them to be.  Well, anyway, I had one of those moments.  Honestly, when you have them you have to just push through.  Once teaching starts, you have no time for such feelings.  Students take priority.

            Oooo!  Since I’m talking classes, I want to say that I did have a class today that I felt showed real improvement and an overall desire to improve.  I was so proud of them because they’ve both struggled and are dealing with the basics, but they were so invested.  A lot of classes end up being good, either because of high energy, fun times with the students, or just students getting a concept, but I always find the most pride when the students have their own drive.  Sometimes you have to hold their hand and sometimes you all race towards self-improvement neck and neck.

May 10, 2017

            Doing okay with my classes, but I feel it’s only just okay.  Trying not to compare myself to the other teachers but they have a lot more hand craft stuffs they can use. One of them is really good at drawing and knowing my own shortcomings in that area, I feel just a bit inferior.  Something has definitely hit me with the stress feelings, as I’m tired even on a night like this, which was pretty light.  Maybe I’m getting sick?  I have been coughing a bit.  I’ve hit my stride with younger classes and I’m doing okay with my older elementary classes as well.  It’s not what I would call my best work, again, still trying to improve, but I feel some sense of regularity with the classes, which helps things feel more natural.  We have had a lot of irregularity with students being on trips or cancelling.  Ironically, I think that it has been good for some of the weaker students because the additional teacher attention really let a few of them show that they can do very well when pushed.  I was pleased with some of it.  I do need to work on more activities.  I feel like I’m always coming up a bit short.  Not in my elementary classes anymore, I have plenty of things to do, but in the junior high and high school classes.  Again, working on it.  It’s hard to know how much I am teaching them is new and how much is review, because some of these students have been with the school for a long, long time.

            Anxiety is a big problem with me still.  I’m taking it as best I can, one day at a time.  There may not be a solution to this other than to just push on through until routine replaces anxiety and I know I will continue because that is normality now.  I definitely burn through a bit too much energy early on.  To keep up with the kindergarten and the younger elementary school kids, you’ve really got be a showman.  It helps that when I get to the older groups I can be a bit less spastic and wittier, but that is one reason I might be so tired.

            Finally, I found that I had a sunburn on my head today.  There was some flaking near my scalp.  I…REALLY must have rode hard during the vacation.  I was out and about every day on my bike for at least a little bit so…I guess it took its toll on me.  Been a while since I had to deal with a scalp sunburn.  I don’t have burns anywhere else, either.  I must be quite a sight.

May 11, 2017

            The closest I’ve come to a real angry spell came today.  I got up early, walked to a store I knew, and bought a tatami mat to sleep on.  Because tatami is awesome and super comfy, or it was six years ago at least.  I had to carry it home, in a gale, and was so scared it would rip or bend or break.  I was drenched in sweat and bordering on unable to see with the sweat in my eyes.  I was mad, tired, and frustrated.  I also did all this before lunch.

            So that was fun.  The tatami feels pretty good.  I’ll need a night or two to know if it was worth the 50 dollars I dropped on it.  I had work after that.  Not sure if it’s stress or what, but I’ve been coughing lately and feeling more winded.  I think I might have a bug or just be worn down.  I feel a bit sick.  Either way, not much to say today.  I continue to be self-conscious, because while I don’t believe I’m a bad teacher, I also don’t think I’m a good enough teacher, at least not on the level of my peers.  I know, I know, I mustn’t compare myself to others, it’s not healthy and I am trying to improve in my own ways, but I guess it’s the dichotomy between those who have experience with children and those with more limited experience to the youngsters. I want to be where my peers are.  I can handle the younger ones easy enough and those dedicated in the upper levels love me, but it’s hard with those who lack the drive.  My time in China definitely spoiled me a bit since like 90-95% were dedicated, which helped their learning A LOT.  I love living here, but this job will be challenging.  Not bad, mind you, but challenging for how different it is for me.  Heh, it only took me a month or two to realize that.  Anyway, we’re preparing for the Eiken here, which is an English proficiency test students end up taking, so I’m focusing more heavily on listening.  Not sure if the students like it, but they do need it and this, at least, I have the voice for.  I speak clearly and enunciate with the skill of a pro.  Not too toot my own horn or anything, haha…I should do that more often, but you don’t want to get a swelled head.

            I actually got asked to help out with some smaller level office tasks today and was reminded of my time working in the law office.  Some might think those things, like labeling envelopes, is menial, but I had spare time and honestly, something I can do without thinking too much is nice sometimes.  Gives me a zen head space. Teaching is an ever evolving exercise, so you don’t ever have the luxury of turning your brain off with it.  You gotta be ready for whatever the kids and fate throws at you.

May 12, 2017

            One small step for Stephen, one giant leap for Stephen’s life.  Today, I’ve been mostly working on a timeline of progress the students need to follow to make sure they are ready by the time they graduate.  It goes from the basic to the advanced, as is pre-ordained by the Eiken.  It’s not perfect yet, but it’s a good start to letting me know what I need to teach students who have reached a certain level. I like it here, so if this makes my day to day work a bit easier and planning less hectic, I’ll gladly devote up to a whole week getting this thing made properly.  Just to be clear, this is a planning tool for me, not something I’m giving to the students.

I also got a package from one of my friends in Japan.  It had, OMG I JUST OPENED IT UP AND IT HAS A TOTORO PLUSH COIN PURSE AND A TOTORO BOWL AND- okay, I’m better.  A friend from way back sent me this with a letter. I am…kinda surprised this came along, honestly.  She’s lovely and has been a great help to me, but I guess I don’t expect people to…show that, you know?  It’s kind of a given, at least for me.  You do the right thing because why would you not?  But this was a nice surprise.  Also, her care package was loaded with snacks.  I think Japan is trying to get me fat…and failing, because it’s nowhere near as fatty as America.

Did a bit of comparison between my journals now and my journals in China and during the adjustment phase they were much shorter.  I’m…kinda super surprised because that’s not my style.  Anyway, I imagine it was similar to what I’m dealing with now, like those feelings of doubt and the like, but…I just don’t know.  It’s been a long week, so I intend to send off my weekly report to my boss, thank my friend for her kindness, and then head off to bed.  See you!

May 14, 2017

Ugh…I’ve been sick for the last few days, but it really hits me how unpleasant it is when you’re stuck at home.  See, I was going to go riding on my bike on Saturday, but it was raining all day.  So, instead I ran errands to get more soda and it took far too long.  I was hot, wet, the wind kept trying to blow my umbrella away and I was weighted down with food stuffs.  I am spending more money than I want.  I’m also sick, so what with the rain, I’ve just wanted to stay home rather than go out and do stuff.  And the rain continued into Sunday.  I wanted to bike today, but I couldn’t…so I walked to a game store, bought Horizon Zero Dawn, because I will play it eventually and it came with a free art book, and got lunch at the Kappazushi, which gives you a roulette chance for trinkets every five plates of sushi you eat.  I tried with ten plates and still got zilch.  Ugh…I went home and rested for pretty much the rest of the day.  I’ll have a busy week, so I am just a bit tired from thinking about it.  Gonna try more skyping with others, since I couldn’t do that this weekend.  I did do some writing, but I’m also out of food, so groceries need to come soon, rain or not…if it’s raining tomorrow, I might give it a few more days, since I can always get a cheap meal at the 711.  I still like living here, but this has been a meh weekend.  Or as a friend of mine and I call it, a beige weekend.  In the beige.  You know who you are.

The gift basket my friend gave me has been good though.  It makes me feel a bit better about the frustration I’ve dealt with. I also am trying to send something to Japan from Amazon…godspeed, Bloodborne.