Working in China Month 13: September 2015

September 2015 From China to Japan

Hey guys, just a heads up here.  Turns out my diary for September was so massive that I feel I need to split it up into two, maybe three sections.  The first one is going to cover just my exit from China.  Here we go and I am heading through my last days of work.  Next week and the following weeks we'll talk Japan, a final conclusion about China, some tips for living abroad, and some followup from homecoming about reverse culture shock.  Enjoy guys.

September 1

I'll be going home soon into an environment that may actually be pretty difficult to get a job that pays enough for me to live on my own, as I do now in China.  I'm a bit apprehensive about it, but I will persevere.  Now, I don't want to sound proud, facetious, or in any way as if I am better than others, so please don't take this the wrong way.  Getting the opportunity I have gotten has not been easy, but with a foot in the door, it IS kinda easy to stay in, provided you do good work, and I have.  It would be easy to stay here, save money and continue living alone.  I'd just need to sign a sheet of paper, continue being observed for screw ups, and deal with the schedule which has taken my sleep and worn me down.  I could do it.  But I would be pretty miserable.

Let's be honest, I like my job.  Even when it's frustrating because not all our subject material is good, the students make it worthwhile and helping them, inspiring them, making them feel like they CAN, because let's face it, even those who speak in broken English are pretty damn brilliant, is an amazing feeling.  But life is more than work and life is more than living for others or just trying to conform to an idea of regularity or even work based pride where you can hold yourself above others.  A large part of it is personal satisfaction and, when you hit moments like I have, the slump of burn out, being supported by people who love you.

I can live cut off from my support group.  With only nominal contact to my family and friends, I have lived this year in China, with all the ups and downs that entails.  But it has been hard.  And I don't want to keep doing it in this current environment.  I want home.  Family.  Friends.  And a chance to re-capture some of the things I left behind, like my reading of Sir Terry Pratchett's Discworld books or my regular perling every week.  I know I'm better off than many.  I don't need the support of my comrades to function.  I keep going.  I'm not so bad off like some who need medicine to keep going or love to stay safe.  But being away...it does remind you how bloody important that is, even if you can live without it.

September has come and I've only got 3 days of work left.  My students are planning dinners for me and I am working towards my Japan trip.  Fingers crossed everything goes well.

September 2
Sigh...despite the usual horse crap of living in China, which took 5 calls to the main office and three separate maintenance men over the course of a week to fix my damn hot water, I also got an email saying that they need my flight itinerary to give me my last paycheck.  I think "Hmmm, okay, fair enough."  So I send it to them the same day and one, the person in charge is out of the office on Holiday.  Really?  I mean, really?  Second, when they get back to me, they say, "we're sorry, but god hates you" and say that because the office will be closed from September 2-5, the EARLIEST I can expect my money is September 11.  The day BEFORE I leave the country.

The beauracracy and frankly stupid paperwork involved in all this blows my mind.  Seriously?  I mean, really?  Welp, better hope to god that the ATM back in the states will accept my card because otherwise there is no hope for me.  Gotta love this country, don't you?

Yeah, I'm annoyed, but it's not just this one time.  I've been dealing with this crap for a whole year and no one gets their act together.  We all know people don't get their act together.  And it is frustrating.

September 4

Bit depressed.  I feel like I get screwed a lot working here, not by management or by the students, but by the corporate side of things since we are a private school.  Whether this is true or not, I have to readjust my plans.  My projections for money sent home keeps going down, as I'm taking it down from 4500 to 4000...the rest of my salary and funds I need for my trip to Japan and any excess will be reconverted into dollars later.  And yes, that is depressing, because my expectation at the start of the year was 6000 dollars.  I did all the numbers and it seemed to be solid, but...whatever.  I did get a rec letter from my boss though, which is pretty cool.

2 days left.  The time for students asking me out to dinner and tearful goodbyes is almost nigh.  Still, I had a good dinner with a student I've had for a while.  He's a charming fellow and while his English isn't perfect, we had a good time eating at a Japanese style restaurant.  He even paid for me, which I hear is pretty common though...my American sensibilities make me want to pay my share.  Still, I ordered pretty lightly on the menu, so I don't feel too bad.

I will miss the students, and one very special teacher who is just adorable, more than anything.  Actually, to cover butts, let's say three teachers who are adorable...yeah...that...

Time goes by so slowly...time goes by I don't know what to do.  Yes, Madonna reference.  Deal with it.  Anyway, two more days, then we're in the home stretch.

September 5

Another day, another bit of work, another dinner with a student sad to see me go.  I admit, I'm a bit exhausted from it all, but I am glad for the friends I've made.  Feels a bit weird...I have one day left of work, then about five days of preparation before I return to Japan.  I cannot wait.

September 6

Ugh...it feels a bit bittersweet, leaving my job for the last time today.  Partly cause I found a new restaurant to eat in, partly because I'll miss my students.  I really will.  And everyone keeps asking me to return to China, which I might to visit, but...ehhhhh I don't really tear up at farewells anymore, but still, it makes you second guess.  I've had to tell myself time and again this is what I want and when you visit the bathrooms...it's pretty obvious this is the right choice.  I will not miss China.  But I will miss the people.  I've been blessed to know some great people, students and teachers alike.  It's been a ride, but I'm glad it's over.  I can finally rest, relax, and get ready to have fun with family and friends.  Now I just need to get the packing and the airport stuff done with and I'll be in Japan.

Still...gonna miss people.

September 7

Ugh...Well, good news and bad news.  Good news is that I've got about 130,000 yen for my trip, with more to come.  I bought a new dress shirt for Japan and work when I hit the states.  I got new head phones and managed to pack one suitcase pretty tightly...too tightly?

Bad news.  I am so burnt out.  Sleep...I need sleep.  I've had a day of traveling from 8am to 5pm, I've been traveling and trying to get stuff ready for my trip.  I am spent and exhausted and there is still much to do.  God help me.

September 9

I feel the tell tale anxiety that has followed me my whole life manipulating me in subtle ways once again.  From seeing others having their life together whereas I'm still drifting to the simple truth that I have gone through so much stress that I've had to take hour long naps the last few days to regain enough energy to do the cleaning and packing I need to do in order to make my home in order so I can get my deposit back.  I know I'm not like many others with anxiety who need medication, I have proven to myself that I can do this on my own, but it is frustrating and I do not think any less of those who need help.

Anxiety is crippling.  Debilitating and even in moments of clarity when you understand that it is not you, but a sickness in your heart and mind talking, it is still very hard to deal with.  I have survived with this for most of my life, from the simple fear of work on the last day of my weekend rather than enjoying it to the outright terror that comes with the upheaval I am leaping headfirst into.  I am going from having a job, even if the pay is pretty low, to having no job and having to start over again in the States.  I have people to help me, but try to imagine that fear...that uncertainty...now remember that there are people who have these things and still fear that fear and uncertainty.

If someone is having a bad day, please be good to them...or at least try.  Because they may have demons you cannot even begin to fathom.

On a positive note, I have one last dinner with my students tonight.  Let's see how that goes.

Update: okay, so I was half wrong here.  I had dinner with my students, another teacher, and her parents and it was pretty good.  Reminded me of the time I spent with my parents using the turn tables to share food with everyone and I had a pretty damn good time.  However. I was wrong because no sooner do I get home and check my email then I have ANOTHER offer for dinner from another student.  Aren't I popular, haha.  I admit, with my date of departure fast approaching, this worries me a little, but this one should be the last and we've agreed to meet close to my home because I need to speak to my friends in Japan tomorrow night to make sure everything is set.

Now, on a more serious note, I'm a bit worried about my health.  I've suffered some major burnout lately and had to nap in the middle of my last few days to try and recover.  Hoping that doesn't follow me to Japan...and also hoping I can fit everything into my bags.

September 10

Oh, the stress continues.  Anxiety hits me hard as I get things packed and ready, but I THINK it'll all work out.  I've managed to squeeze everything I need into my bags, but I'm worried about my laptop and personal bag...it SHOULD fit, but...that doesn't mean it will.  Fingers crossed.  I also had a nightmare of a time trying to check my flights to make sure it's all squared away, but after talking with my travel agent, it seems to be alright.

Finally, I had one last dinner with my student.  It...hits me right in the heart when I have to say goodbye to them.  We had a good dinner together, but she said that lots of people liked me because I was the nice teacher.  That I smiled all the time and tried to make them laugh and helped them and was patient with them.  It...makes me reflect a lot on my experience here.  I've gotten used to saying not goodbye, but rather, see you again.  I don't know if I'll ever live in China again, probably not, but I have plenty of reasons to come back and visit with all these friends I've made.  It's been a crazy ride.  Now I just need to make sure I get on my flight and get to Japan safely.  One more entry in the China diary tomorrow and then we head over to Japan.

September 11

It's been a time...I've gone without sleep due to stress and dealt with more than my fair share of problems over the last few days, but I've left my apartment behind.  To my surprise, I actually got MORE money back than I paid in because I paid in extra electricity and water to make sure I didn't lose my power before it was time to leave.  A pleasant surprise and despite my worrying about the walls, the damage was cosmetic and so negligible that no one even noticed it.  I checked into my hotel and a big worry for me was, the night before I'd gotten a message from a student who wanted to send me a gift.  Now, my bags have been packed, full to the point of bursting, and I have less than 36 hours left in the country, many of those hours already promised to other pursuits.  This has kinda been my whole week, with promises I need to keep and what not, but it all worked out in the end.  The young lady came by my hotel mere moments before this posting and we talked for a bit and said our good byes and she gave me a picture she had made that was very cool.  My students have been very kind to me and I truly will miss all of them.  It's been a year here, in China.

I've not mentioned quite a few things, actually, though some of that just comes from it slipping my mind.  I mean, did you know that instead of a standard truncheon, it seems like Chinese police have truncheon bo staves?  Like two handers?  Crazy.  Also, I was told this but I was made aware first hand that I should not pay when my students invite me out...makes me feel a bit strange, but...who am I to question them?

Now, as a final reflection.  China has been a good experience on the whole.  I've complained about A LOT and I think much of it has been justified, but the students made it worthwhile and the experience was something special, different, and constructive.  Helped me to learn more about myself and gain perspective on my country and my place in the world.  It's been a tough time to be sure, but I am glad I did it, even if I'm not sure I'd want to live in China again.  I probably will visit though, since I have so many friends here.

Either way, I am glad this year is winding down because I am tired.  I want to not worry about deadlines, flights, sleepless nights, the works.  Japan will have some of that, to be sure, but I will be on vacation, so I can go a bit more at my pace, so...there's that.  Anyway, I leave early in the morning.  This is my last diary entry IN China.  After this, I'm gonna be talking about my experience as a vacationer in Japan.

It's been quite a journey, China.  But now it's time to say goodbye.