May 2015
May 2-3
Well, one of my co-workers is leaving to head home. Kinda sad, since it's clear she wanted to
stay, but couldn't bear a short vacation to the UK.
She offered to come back after a 3 month hiatus, but that just wasn't
happening, because we'd be without for a full 3 months.
Either way, we had her going away party the other night at a local bar. I will never understand why space trumps comfort. We go from the inside with AC and cushioned chairs to aluminum seats on the side of the road. For like 2 extra people we could fit inside anyway. Whatever. The food was good, but as is usual for China, spicier than I would like. As usual, I was the first to leave the party. I don't do the social scene much and after about an hour and a half, I was done. Besides, I had work in the morning and lived the farthest away of the lot. I usually leave first cause it's not my scene and when I've worn out my welcome, screw social expectations, I just wanna go.
Either way, we had her going away party the other night at a local bar. I will never understand why space trumps comfort. We go from the inside with AC and cushioned chairs to aluminum seats on the side of the road. For like 2 extra people we could fit inside anyway. Whatever. The food was good, but as is usual for China, spicier than I would like. As usual, I was the first to leave the party. I don't do the social scene much and after about an hour and a half, I was done. Besides, I had work in the morning and lived the farthest away of the lot. I usually leave first cause it's not my scene and when I've worn out my welcome, screw social expectations, I just wanna go.
Now, that having been said, I feel it important to reiterate
how god awful customer support is in China. Or for that matter, co-worker support. We have an IT department at my work place and
they basically sit with their hands in their laps, ignoring the requests we
have to fix our CONSTANTLY failing computers.
I even got locked out of the ability to make IT requests by them and it
was only me, showing they were trying to make us forget about it. No, morons.
When 3 computers are unusable and we are at our limit for computers that
the staff can use, you get off your butt and do your damn job. The sad thing is that employees here can lie,
manipulate, or even ignore work and if they're not teachers, they get away with
it because of beauracracy. Such BS.
This is not a country I really wanna stay in for longer than my contract. I gave my word, so I'm here for 4 more months now, but China is not my home.
This is not a country I really wanna stay in for longer than my contract. I gave my word, so I'm here for 4 more months now, but China is not my home.
May 6
Something that would make life just that little bit better is a little BLOODY WARNING! Anxiety is a difficult thing for me and some of my friends to deal with so having someone spring news on us is frustrating, yet even on my off days I keep getting annoying things sprung on. I had to put in extra time on my day off today to try and finish editing a rough cut of a video I'm making to assist in training with my company and...Ugh. I had to because they wanted that rough cut ready by Friday and only told me on Wednesday. And other BS I have to deal with via email. We really don't get enough notification of changes in our lives.
On less crappy news, I've started writing fan fics again. It's been...god, almost ten years, I think. I used to do it as part of a social community for Konami, before they went pants on head crazy, but...focused more on my personal writing since then. Thankfully, much of what I learned during my time writing helped me to write fan fics and for once, I actually got some recognition and praise from people. Now, my benefactor is a sweet, sweet person, but still, the very act of being praised for my writing has...been lost to me for many years. I kept trudging along with my book because I wanted to finish it, but no one ever praised me for it or showed any sign of enthusiasm.
Yet here I am, feeling on top of the world, over a little praise for a ship of TV characters I made on a whim out of respect for an artist online. I do have to curb my enthusiasm so as not to get a swelled head, but...that kind of encouragement is what can feed a writer and keep them going. I think I might make a few more, just on more whims. It's...nice.
Something that would make life just that little bit better is a little BLOODY WARNING! Anxiety is a difficult thing for me and some of my friends to deal with so having someone spring news on us is frustrating, yet even on my off days I keep getting annoying things sprung on. I had to put in extra time on my day off today to try and finish editing a rough cut of a video I'm making to assist in training with my company and...Ugh. I had to because they wanted that rough cut ready by Friday and only told me on Wednesday. And other BS I have to deal with via email. We really don't get enough notification of changes in our lives.
On less crappy news, I've started writing fan fics again. It's been...god, almost ten years, I think. I used to do it as part of a social community for Konami, before they went pants on head crazy, but...focused more on my personal writing since then. Thankfully, much of what I learned during my time writing helped me to write fan fics and for once, I actually got some recognition and praise from people. Now, my benefactor is a sweet, sweet person, but still, the very act of being praised for my writing has...been lost to me for many years. I kept trudging along with my book because I wanted to finish it, but no one ever praised me for it or showed any sign of enthusiasm.
Yet here I am, feeling on top of the world, over a little praise for a ship of TV characters I made on a whim out of respect for an artist online. I do have to curb my enthusiasm so as not to get a swelled head, but...that kind of encouragement is what can feed a writer and keep them going. I think I might make a few more, just on more whims. It's...nice.
May 7
While talking with one of the other teachers about people
doing bad things and the few who try to help others, I had a realization about
WHY I go out of my way for others when really, I should focus more on myself.
When I was a kid, I was bullied. Like CRAZY bullied. And no one helped me. Now, I could have taken that anger and used it as a way to perpetuate the cycle of hurting others or I could break the chain. And that's what I've kinda chosen to do, most of the time. I try to help others to break the chain of anger and sadness left by those who hurt and those who refuse to help. No one was there for me, so rather than being bitter, I want to prevent others from knowing the same anguish.
It is, the Sentinel's way.
May 9
I really don't like certain types of people. And we have one or two at my work. When someone is worked near to the bone, I had 5 classes, an hour long meeting, an hour long feedback session for an impromptu observation, and only an hour for lunch yesterday and today I was doing basically 6 classes and an Oral Placement Test...when someone is THAT damn near collapse, you show some friggin compassion.
Not sure if the seems are the same as the truth, but I am getting pretty worn down here.
When I was a kid, I was bullied. Like CRAZY bullied. And no one helped me. Now, I could have taken that anger and used it as a way to perpetuate the cycle of hurting others or I could break the chain. And that's what I've kinda chosen to do, most of the time. I try to help others to break the chain of anger and sadness left by those who hurt and those who refuse to help. No one was there for me, so rather than being bitter, I want to prevent others from knowing the same anguish.
It is, the Sentinel's way.
May 9
I really don't like certain types of people. And we have one or two at my work. When someone is worked near to the bone, I had 5 classes, an hour long meeting, an hour long feedback session for an impromptu observation, and only an hour for lunch yesterday and today I was doing basically 6 classes and an Oral Placement Test...when someone is THAT damn near collapse, you show some friggin compassion.
Not sure if the seems are the same as the truth, but I am getting pretty worn down here.
May 12
I've burned through most of my anger and when anger is no
more, there is sadness and exhaustion.
Thankfully, by today most of that's over and done with and I can start
living again.
I finished the training video I was working on for my company and I think it turned out alright, though some bells and whistles had to be tweaked or I'd have to do the whole thing over again.
On top of that, there's a new kickstarter by Koji Igarashi for the spiritual successor to the Castlevania series, you know, since Konami has no idea what the hell to do with it. I've not felt so excited in ages. I could barely move last night but when I got the news, I felt so full of energy, like I hadn't been since Keiji Inafune basically revived Megaman with Mighty No. 9
That being said, I must temper my joy. I came close to leaving very bad comments in my diary and online. Now, I'm entitled to those as those are my opinion, but in this world were there are eyes everywhere...choices. And I was angry around people I love. Not TO them, mind you, but still...I think I may have exhausted a fair few people.
I still have growth that I need to do. As my mother has told me, let it pass, let it go. If someone is cruel to you, that doesn't change who you are, it merely makes them a fool, so let them be a fool and let you be a kind person.
I can only try in the 4 months I have left in my contract.
I finished the training video I was working on for my company and I think it turned out alright, though some bells and whistles had to be tweaked or I'd have to do the whole thing over again.
On top of that, there's a new kickstarter by Koji Igarashi for the spiritual successor to the Castlevania series, you know, since Konami has no idea what the hell to do with it. I've not felt so excited in ages. I could barely move last night but when I got the news, I felt so full of energy, like I hadn't been since Keiji Inafune basically revived Megaman with Mighty No. 9
That being said, I must temper my joy. I came close to leaving very bad comments in my diary and online. Now, I'm entitled to those as those are my opinion, but in this world were there are eyes everywhere...choices. And I was angry around people I love. Not TO them, mind you, but still...I think I may have exhausted a fair few people.
I still have growth that I need to do. As my mother has told me, let it pass, let it go. If someone is cruel to you, that doesn't change who you are, it merely makes them a fool, so let them be a fool and let you be a kind person.
I can only try in the 4 months I have left in my contract.
May 15
I feel so tired. Problems at work continue. They're now trashing my handwriting. Which is bad. I admit that. But I've been trying to improve it for 18 years, ever since Elementary school ruined it...what do they want me to do in an afternoon, or hell, even in 4 months? And to get observed while doing it? I just feel burnt out and tomorrow is a long day, with the equivalent of 7 hours of teaching and two hours of prep time, one of which is devoted to lunch.
I hate Saturdays. Also I have to go in to work before my schedule for planning period. And our new technology upgrade is causing huge glitches, to the point that 70% of my supplementary material is damn near useless because of the stupid Chinese knockoff of Microsoft office they use after the conversion.
I am just...beyond frustrated.
More than that, I'm beginning to feel emotions again and daydream. You'd think that would be good, but it makes me want to be back with the people I love and the friends who understand me than here in China. It's another form of homesickness...and I'm worn out from it.
This place has been made into something like a home, but it's not my home...I want my old apartment and all the comforts it had. I want my friends from all over the world, good and bad, and all the perspective that offered. But more than anything, I want time to breathe and to not worry...that, I want more than anything.
May 23
Close to burn out and sick. Again. Ugh...life is not that great here. Right now, I'm trying to juggle far too much. I need to figure out when I'm going to Japan so I can check out and book my plane ticket and book a hotel. Life at school is so frustrating. I am sick and tired of being...sick and tired.
I'm learning to read tarot for school and I'm doing a lot of other things as well to try and keep up with the grind, but...it's frustrating. Trying to get breakfast again, because I've been skipping it, just because of stress and exhaustion. Sleep is...good sleep is a far off dream on most week nights. The heat of summer, even with my AC going full blast, makes restful sleep damn near impossible.
I doubt I will do much more sight seeing. I just want to rest on my days off and try to recover for the next few days. Started a new anime on the recommendation/begging of a friend...it's really good. Problem is, that's kinda why I'm starting to feel emotion again and it makes life at school hard, cause I just want to dream...not teach.
But, responsibilities. I have them, I follow them. It is life.
Ugh...still not sure what to do about the money situation. I have a TON of money, however the problem is that I can't spend it outside of China...people have told me about wiring money, but frankly it seems like a bad idea since I can actually just take money out from banks in the State...or so I've been told. God, I am not even sure. I need help with this. Gonna try and talk to some of the Chinese teachers to get some help.
I feel so tired. Problems at work continue. They're now trashing my handwriting. Which is bad. I admit that. But I've been trying to improve it for 18 years, ever since Elementary school ruined it...what do they want me to do in an afternoon, or hell, even in 4 months? And to get observed while doing it? I just feel burnt out and tomorrow is a long day, with the equivalent of 7 hours of teaching and two hours of prep time, one of which is devoted to lunch.
I hate Saturdays. Also I have to go in to work before my schedule for planning period. And our new technology upgrade is causing huge glitches, to the point that 70% of my supplementary material is damn near useless because of the stupid Chinese knockoff of Microsoft office they use after the conversion.
I am just...beyond frustrated.
More than that, I'm beginning to feel emotions again and daydream. You'd think that would be good, but it makes me want to be back with the people I love and the friends who understand me than here in China. It's another form of homesickness...and I'm worn out from it.
This place has been made into something like a home, but it's not my home...I want my old apartment and all the comforts it had. I want my friends from all over the world, good and bad, and all the perspective that offered. But more than anything, I want time to breathe and to not worry...that, I want more than anything.
May 23
Close to burn out and sick. Again. Ugh...life is not that great here. Right now, I'm trying to juggle far too much. I need to figure out when I'm going to Japan so I can check out and book my plane ticket and book a hotel. Life at school is so frustrating. I am sick and tired of being...sick and tired.
I'm learning to read tarot for school and I'm doing a lot of other things as well to try and keep up with the grind, but...it's frustrating. Trying to get breakfast again, because I've been skipping it, just because of stress and exhaustion. Sleep is...good sleep is a far off dream on most week nights. The heat of summer, even with my AC going full blast, makes restful sleep damn near impossible.
I doubt I will do much more sight seeing. I just want to rest on my days off and try to recover for the next few days. Started a new anime on the recommendation/begging of a friend...it's really good. Problem is, that's kinda why I'm starting to feel emotion again and it makes life at school hard, cause I just want to dream...not teach.
But, responsibilities. I have them, I follow them. It is life.
Ugh...still not sure what to do about the money situation. I have a TON of money, however the problem is that I can't spend it outside of China...people have told me about wiring money, but frankly it seems like a bad idea since I can actually just take money out from banks in the State...or so I've been told. God, I am not even sure. I need help with this. Gonna try and talk to some of the Chinese teachers to get some help.
Just want to rest...just want to sleep.
May 26
The heat is beginning to wear on me. It feels like hell outside and in. Even my AC cannot keep the heat from me. I need to buy a fan.
It exhausts me almost as much as my work and I am having to cling to what gives me strength as I try to continue on.
It's not easy. I've gotten sick again and others with me. We all struggle to survive. I must continue on though...but I feel so tired...it has been almost two weeks since I slept fitfully more than a single day in a row.
I am counting down the time until I can return home. Teaching is something I rather enjoy. However the environment here is weakening me.
It exhausts me almost as much as my work and I am having to cling to what gives me strength as I try to continue on.
It's not easy. I've gotten sick again and others with me. We all struggle to survive. I must continue on though...but I feel so tired...it has been almost two weeks since I slept fitfully more than a single day in a row.
I am counting down the time until I can return home. Teaching is something I rather enjoy. However the environment here is weakening me.
May 31
Still having trouble sleeping. I bought a fan, dropped 30 bucks for a dinky little thing, and it HELPS, but my AC cannot keep up. I'm convinced it's, if not broken, breaking. Thankfully, my agent, god bless her, has contacted my landlord and things SHOULD be taken care of...hopefully...maybe.
Ugh, either way, summer is here in full swing and I am more or less DONE with it already. I have had a few weird encounters, such as meeting a Russian at random on the subway, the joys of being alone and exploring while looking for food, and the abject annoyance of, after exploration, being drenched in bloody sweat.
I'm not having a great time in China and it's all but decided that I won't stay. China hasn't been for me, despite the good parts of it...there are good parts, I assure you but still.
I'm looking forward to doing a class on tarot cards next week due to my personal interest and it's given me a deep longing for some of my older games which used the cards, particularly Ogre Battle on the SNES.
I have a list of games I NEED to play when I get home.
I feel a bit more exhausted than usual, because with the exception of one friend, I'm largely cut off. It wears me down because I have no crutch and I have to be a grown up. I don't know how to be a grown up. Well, I'm half kidding, but still...I enjoy my alone time frequently, however people are fading out of my life a lot lately. It may change. It may not. I keep going regardless.
That's all I can do. I keep going. I've got 3 months left. And counting.
Still having trouble sleeping. I bought a fan, dropped 30 bucks for a dinky little thing, and it HELPS, but my AC cannot keep up. I'm convinced it's, if not broken, breaking. Thankfully, my agent, god bless her, has contacted my landlord and things SHOULD be taken care of...hopefully...maybe.
Ugh, either way, summer is here in full swing and I am more or less DONE with it already. I have had a few weird encounters, such as meeting a Russian at random on the subway, the joys of being alone and exploring while looking for food, and the abject annoyance of, after exploration, being drenched in bloody sweat.
I'm not having a great time in China and it's all but decided that I won't stay. China hasn't been for me, despite the good parts of it...there are good parts, I assure you but still.
I'm looking forward to doing a class on tarot cards next week due to my personal interest and it's given me a deep longing for some of my older games which used the cards, particularly Ogre Battle on the SNES.
I have a list of games I NEED to play when I get home.
I feel a bit more exhausted than usual, because with the exception of one friend, I'm largely cut off. It wears me down because I have no crutch and I have to be a grown up. I don't know how to be a grown up. Well, I'm half kidding, but still...I enjoy my alone time frequently, however people are fading out of my life a lot lately. It may change. It may not. I keep going regardless.
That's all I can do. I keep going. I've got 3 months left. And counting.
Whew! Rough going that May!
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