June 2015
June 2
I regret that my June is starting off with such stress. I need to refill electricity at the
bank. I need to refill my water. I need medicine and treatment from my
doctor. I am very exhausted. I've been feeling lonely and isolated from
those back home, lately. Even if the
mind understands that others have their own lives, the heart has a desire to be
wanted. My doctor says that recognizing
that is a step of growth on a spiritual journey. I think of it as simply maturing. It's why I hold my tongue on many
matters...though that does not ease the pain, always.
Plans are being made for my trip to Japan. I am looking forward to visiting with friends. One, who loves her camera, is dear to me, like a sister. We do not talk much, but there is a wonderful whimsy and innocence to her that always makes me enjoy our little talks. I need to settle on dates and times. I am also making plans for my future and my career. Times will be busy. I need to finish my writing and take a rest.
Perhaps there will be improvement soon. My AC SHOULD be fixed soon...we will see, won't we?
Plans are being made for my trip to Japan. I am looking forward to visiting with friends. One, who loves her camera, is dear to me, like a sister. We do not talk much, but there is a wonderful whimsy and innocence to her that always makes me enjoy our little talks. I need to settle on dates and times. I am also making plans for my future and my career. Times will be busy. I need to finish my writing and take a rest.
Perhaps there will be improvement soon. My AC SHOULD be fixed soon...we will see, won't we?
June 3
I'm a bit more burnt out than usual and my mechanic had to
be paid, which I was not told about.
HOWEVER...my AC does work as it should again. I can feel the cold air flowing onto me,
alongside my fan. I think I might now
finally be able to sleep easy again. I
am not ecstatic, but extremely relieved.
I'm hopeful things will get better for the last 3 months in China.
Now...I finished a rather emotional anime series and I quite enjoyed it this night...however I don't have anyone to talk to about it since the friend who encouraged me to watch it is kinda dealing with parents right now. Bit sad for me because lately the norm for anime or games is, I play them, no one to talk to. I would like to share my views or thoughts...it actually makes me resonate with and understand some people who just spout their opinions willy nilly. Still...a bit frustrating.
Still, the series itself was quite charming, so I am satisfied.
Now...I finished a rather emotional anime series and I quite enjoyed it this night...however I don't have anyone to talk to about it since the friend who encouraged me to watch it is kinda dealing with parents right now. Bit sad for me because lately the norm for anime or games is, I play them, no one to talk to. I would like to share my views or thoughts...it actually makes me resonate with and understand some people who just spout their opinions willy nilly. Still...a bit frustrating.
Still, the series itself was quite charming, so I am satisfied.
June 7
My week may be shorter due to an event I have to go to on
Monday, but I'm not exactly thrilled.
I'm low on sleep, high on frustration and dearly desiring to lash out at
someone who doesn't deserve it. I
haven't and, god willing, I won't but it's frustrating. My brain knows full damn well that I'm
exhausted and I don't want to be mean to people I like, even if I am being
ignored or neglected or whatever victimizing phrase you want to go with. However my body chooses to make me feel like
crap, be overly emotional, and makes me daydream about when all my friends will
betray and abandon me, like some did so long ago. It gnaws at me.
I just want...I guess when I'm not needed, being the stalwart and silent, as befits a sentinel, doesn't sit well with me. I want to be needed...I want people to remember that I exist, but most of them...just don't.
Surviving that is part of growth...but good lord is it hard.
I just want...I guess when I'm not needed, being the stalwart and silent, as befits a sentinel, doesn't sit well with me. I want to be needed...I want people to remember that I exist, but most of them...just don't.
Surviving that is part of growth...but good lord is it hard.
June 8
Well, the teacher's forum today, was...surprising. I was expecting it to be frustrating, and it
was to a degree because I won't use some of what I learned and was forced into
classes I didn't want, but someone brought a PS4 and we got to play some games,
get free food, talk to people...was okay.
And when I got home, I found a story I wrote online had a tribute made to it in art form. You know...I've been writing for well over eight years. Not all my work is good, but I like to think it's different and I keep growing. In all that time, I've never had someone treat my writing with such reverence...it feels nice. It's...something I'd like to keep having. Yeah, it's fan based writing, but still...someone cared. That's precious, you know?
Anyway
June 9
And when I got home, I found a story I wrote online had a tribute made to it in art form. You know...I've been writing for well over eight years. Not all my work is good, but I like to think it's different and I keep growing. In all that time, I've never had someone treat my writing with such reverence...it feels nice. It's...something I'd like to keep having. Yeah, it's fan based writing, but still...someone cared. That's precious, you know?
Anyway
June 9
Yes, this is right after the last post. Just want to say, screeeeeeeew the atms
here. I had to deposit 12000 rmb into my
land lords account today and the damn machine kept refusing to take my
bills...for some reason. It'd take more
than half, but that wasn't enough.
China is still bloody archaic in many ways. For all the advances in public transportation or the like, people still used old fashioned bikes and scooters for transport, crappy atm and bank practices, god only knows if there's checking here, and arcane practices. Today, they banned like 36 animes online. I care very little, since screw the Chinese internet, I have a VPN, but still...the censorship, the archaic practices...it's just stupid sometimes and makes me glad that I'll be going home soon.
China is still bloody archaic in many ways. For all the advances in public transportation or the like, people still used old fashioned bikes and scooters for transport, crappy atm and bank practices, god only knows if there's checking here, and arcane practices. Today, they banned like 36 animes online. I care very little, since screw the Chinese internet, I have a VPN, but still...the censorship, the archaic practices...it's just stupid sometimes and makes me glad that I'll be going home soon.
June 14
Today was awful. I
felt sick and had a stomach bug early in the day. More than that, because another teacher, with
HIGHLY customized lessons, called in sick while I was in and I got saddled with
some of his classes. God give me
strength, I feel worse every week. I've
been listening to Welcome to Night Vale to try and find some enjoyment in my
subway rides these days. It certainly
gives me a few laughs and plenty of things to think about, but...
I'm more frustrated than anything, lately. With lots of things. The internet is a pile of ass here, as is per usual. More than that though, people...I feel more expendable as the days pass. I have plenty of people who don't want me to go, but that too is trying...and the people who are blase and tactless well...it drains me, trying to do the right thing and remain a good person.
I'm more frustrated than anything, lately. With lots of things. The internet is a pile of ass here, as is per usual. More than that though, people...I feel more expendable as the days pass. I have plenty of people who don't want me to go, but that too is trying...and the people who are blase and tactless well...it drains me, trying to do the right thing and remain a good person.
That too is another thing.
How often have I tried to do the right thing, only to be screwed in the
end? I want to be like Rorschact from
Watch Men some days...to look down at the world, crying up for my salvation and
simply say...no. You do not deserve
it. I've been hard wired from youth to
act as a knight and a sentinel, but it makes my own life harder.
I. Am. Tired. But that won't stop me from doing the right thing and helping my staff and my students. It's my way.
I. Am. Tired. But that won't stop me from doing the right thing and helping my staff and my students. It's my way.
Thankfully, I know I have some who stand by me, but
still...it is an exhausting time.
June 15
Sick again. God. Damn.
This. Country. Ugh...another 100RMB dropped on medicine and
another frustrating day of teaching while feeling like death.
I have never called in sick from work, despite being sick over a dozen times.
Ugh...so tired.
I have never called in sick from work, despite being sick over a dozen times.
Ugh...so tired.
June 18
Well, it's been a day.
I've been going through more stress in the past few days than most
humans should in any given month.
Booking a hotel, two plane tickets, dealing with stress and technical
issues, and going into a mild panic attack about the possibility of losing my
deposit on my apartment, due to, get this, poster tape.
Sigh...I still don't know a lot about what's going on...I can only speculate. I will have to drop about 1,200 dollars for my plane tickets, close to 300 for my hotel in Japan, another 60-100 for a hotel in China THE NIGHT BEFORE I LEAVE, and to top all that off, something went haywire in the AC in my school today and the scent of death was pumped into one of my classrooms, forcing us all to abandon it.
If I get at least half my deposit back, I'll be satisfied...I did do some minor cosmetic damage to the walls and it is only just that I pay for that, if I can't fix it. But...I've been screwed a lot lately and it seems like my estimate of 5000 coming home is gonna get downgraded to 4500 or even 4000. That is disappointing. I know my family will keep me up, but...I wanted to come home with more of a cushion. More room to visit with friends and family and treat the people I love, if only once. I wanted to be able to buy a Wii U when I got a new place and, yeah, I'll still be able to do that, in theory, but...but...right now, the stress is getting to me.
It's been a long day. Panic attack has not been fun, because I couldn't just get it out of my system. I had to endure it and try to resolve the problems with my apartment. Which I think I have, but still...frustrating.
Sigh...I still don't know a lot about what's going on...I can only speculate. I will have to drop about 1,200 dollars for my plane tickets, close to 300 for my hotel in Japan, another 60-100 for a hotel in China THE NIGHT BEFORE I LEAVE, and to top all that off, something went haywire in the AC in my school today and the scent of death was pumped into one of my classrooms, forcing us all to abandon it.
If I get at least half my deposit back, I'll be satisfied...I did do some minor cosmetic damage to the walls and it is only just that I pay for that, if I can't fix it. But...I've been screwed a lot lately and it seems like my estimate of 5000 coming home is gonna get downgraded to 4500 or even 4000. That is disappointing. I know my family will keep me up, but...I wanted to come home with more of a cushion. More room to visit with friends and family and treat the people I love, if only once. I wanted to be able to buy a Wii U when I got a new place and, yeah, I'll still be able to do that, in theory, but...but...right now, the stress is getting to me.
It's been a long day. Panic attack has not been fun, because I couldn't just get it out of my system. I had to endure it and try to resolve the problems with my apartment. Which I think I have, but still...frustrating.
June 21
Oh god...I got a holiday on the 20th, but...not sure you'd
call it a standard holiday. I tried
removing the adhesive from my walls to regain as much of my deposit as possible
so now one of my walls is barren...not nearly as bad as my hands though. I borrowed a hair dryer from a friend and it
HELPS loosen the caked on adhesive due to the heat, but you need the oil from
skin, or some other solvent, along with a good amount of force and pressure to
pry the bastards loose...and in the process of doing this a good 7-9 times, my
hands just said, "No, we're done."
I ripped the skin on 5 fingers and one palm and it only stopped there
because I was in so much pain I had to stop.
But I cleared one wall...just one more to go...ugh.
I had dinner with a friend because of the holiday and we went to my special restaurant, where we ate ourselves sick. The next day was stupid because of how annoying work can be and also because of the computers, which decided to crap out for first period...when I was teaching. Sigh. Annoying. I'm healing right now and more people I know are busy, moving on with their lives. So, once again I feel alone. Got my family, at least, who I'll talk to on Tuesday, but...it's been a rough time...and I've still got a wall to clear and a little over 2 months to survive. Pray for me.
I had dinner with a friend because of the holiday and we went to my special restaurant, where we ate ourselves sick. The next day was stupid because of how annoying work can be and also because of the computers, which decided to crap out for first period...when I was teaching. Sigh. Annoying. I'm healing right now and more people I know are busy, moving on with their lives. So, once again I feel alone. Got my family, at least, who I'll talk to on Tuesday, but...it's been a rough time...and I've still got a wall to clear and a little over 2 months to survive. Pray for me.
June 24
Bowel problems. I've had issues with digestion since the holiday but thankfully a trip to my doctor seems to have cleared it up a little bit. I'm sick of being sick. Spent a lot of time today prying more posters and poster tape off the walls. If I can find spackle at the Wal-mart, the walls should make a full recovery and, so should my deposit. Either way, I'm very tired and a bit lonely. Everyone has their hurry hurry hurry summer time activities going on, be it camps, training, jobs, what have you. So, no time to talk to Stephen. Not much point in being sad or salty though, since I've been so stressed and panicked my time has been pretty limited too, lately.
Would like to take a minute to spotlight a person I know though. A combination of watching Bloodbourne on the PS4, which I don't own, and reading about Scientology, which is one of the most abhorrent cults I've heard of in a while, I was actually brought to a friend I know who we shall simply call mister C. He is, quite simply, probably the world's perfect human.
Bowel problems. I've had issues with digestion since the holiday but thankfully a trip to my doctor seems to have cleared it up a little bit. I'm sick of being sick. Spent a lot of time today prying more posters and poster tape off the walls. If I can find spackle at the Wal-mart, the walls should make a full recovery and, so should my deposit. Either way, I'm very tired and a bit lonely. Everyone has their hurry hurry hurry summer time activities going on, be it camps, training, jobs, what have you. So, no time to talk to Stephen. Not much point in being sad or salty though, since I've been so stressed and panicked my time has been pretty limited too, lately.
Would like to take a minute to spotlight a person I know though. A combination of watching Bloodbourne on the PS4, which I don't own, and reading about Scientology, which is one of the most abhorrent cults I've heard of in a while, I was actually brought to a friend I know who we shall simply call mister C. He is, quite simply, probably the world's perfect human.
I've known mister C since high school and he gets along with
pretty much anyone, without sacrificing his individuality. He also doesn't force his likes upon other
people. He's one of the rare people I've
met who can fervently disagree politically or ideologically with a person but
still remain friends and not get nasty, simply because he thinks that it's not
worth losing a friend over ideas. I
think about him lately because while he and I were never closest buds, drinking
every night or what have you, he's a good dude who's pretty much the opposite
of Scientology, accepting of others despite faults and not alienating people
just because they believe something different than him.
Also, he promised to loan me his PS4 when Kingdom Hearts 3 comes out, after he plays it of course, since I don't wanna buy one. I might compromise on Bloodbourne with him to let me buy the game and play it, then just give him the game when I return his PS4.
That's why I was thinking of that. Seriously though, he's a great guy with a cool wife who are both awesome people. Can't wait to see them when I get back to the States.
Also, he promised to loan me his PS4 when Kingdom Hearts 3 comes out, after he plays it of course, since I don't wanna buy one. I might compromise on Bloodbourne with him to let me buy the game and play it, then just give him the game when I return his PS4.
That's why I was thinking of that. Seriously though, he's a great guy with a cool wife who are both awesome people. Can't wait to see them when I get back to the States.
June 29
Oh god...so tired, so stressed. I feel sick almost every day, but at varying
levels. A slight cough here, a sore
throat there...screw this country.
I finally managed to pry the adhesive from my walls, mostly securing my deposit back. For those curious, heat from a hair dryer, a cloth that will not rip, a TON of elbow grease to thin out and uproot the adhesive, and then good old fashioned skin to get the last bits, because the oil, friction, and force of skin pries it loose. Then, a sponge to wipe over and clean, followed by a cloth. Not easy, but it does work.
I'm paying for my tickets to my flight tomorrow. China's stupid friggin direct deposit system, makes me super uneasy, as I have to literally dump money into an ATM and it makes me feel like I'm throwing it away...the agency should be on the up and up though, my mom's friend used them to travel and I've been in talks with them before and met people from it, so yeah, it should be fine...but good god, China, I can't pay with a card? Really?
Ugh...anyway, trying to get information about sending money home as well and it is so bloody tedious. If I can find a bank to do a transfer, great, but chances are I'll have to store up and take out like 3000 dollars American and just take it with me to pay the bank for the wire...it feels stupid and again, sketchy. I SHOULD be able to use my ATM card there, but everyone's got me jumping at shadows now and I'd rather know that it's safe in my bank account...reminds me, I need to get info from that too. Will check on that tomorrow, hopefully if I can remember.
Oh, and I have revisions to make on the video I did for my company...god hates me.
I finally managed to pry the adhesive from my walls, mostly securing my deposit back. For those curious, heat from a hair dryer, a cloth that will not rip, a TON of elbow grease to thin out and uproot the adhesive, and then good old fashioned skin to get the last bits, because the oil, friction, and force of skin pries it loose. Then, a sponge to wipe over and clean, followed by a cloth. Not easy, but it does work.
I'm paying for my tickets to my flight tomorrow. China's stupid friggin direct deposit system, makes me super uneasy, as I have to literally dump money into an ATM and it makes me feel like I'm throwing it away...the agency should be on the up and up though, my mom's friend used them to travel and I've been in talks with them before and met people from it, so yeah, it should be fine...but good god, China, I can't pay with a card? Really?
Ugh...anyway, trying to get information about sending money home as well and it is so bloody tedious. If I can find a bank to do a transfer, great, but chances are I'll have to store up and take out like 3000 dollars American and just take it with me to pay the bank for the wire...it feels stupid and again, sketchy. I SHOULD be able to use my ATM card there, but everyone's got me jumping at shadows now and I'd rather know that it's safe in my bank account...reminds me, I need to get info from that too. Will check on that tomorrow, hopefully if I can remember.
Oh, and I have revisions to make on the video I did for my company...god hates me.
June 30
My previous statement about god hating me seems...oddly appropriate now. I'm tired. Last day with my Chinese medicine doctor before he moves to the States, dumping a massive amount of money into an ATM and waiting for the approval of my travel agent to make sure they got it, and to top it all off, life throws me another curve ball.
Look, people, I'm not subtle. I don't like the kinda crap where you say something and people are supposed to know you're insulting another person or making some commentary about life or whatever. So, I'm not gonna go into big details and for god's sake, don't think I'm hinting at anything. If I had a beef with someone, I'd keep it between us, as is cordial and decent. Right now, I'm just emotionally very tired and very worn out. I don't think I'm a bad person and GOOD GOD did it take me a long time to think that.
I grew up believing that the world hated me, except for my family who are wonderful, and that I needed to strike out against it and stand alone and blah blah blah...now, I understand that humans are not islands, my bridge story should make that clear. I'm not a perfect person by any means, but I'm trying...I try and I learn and I keep on going. I'm glad that I've got a better self image of my self because it means I'm growing and I WILL survive these kinds of rough situations. But it's not easy. More than anything here in China, I've had to learn to stand by myself, emotionally, physically, and mentally and it's been hard.
I will survive this trial, though it hurts me a great deal. I've survived worse. Sigh...I'm just tired for now because I don't have anyone to talk to about this. And I won't do it here. I don't gossip, I don't dish the dirt, I don't want someone else to feel bad for doing what they had to, whether it was nice or not, whether it was right or not.
There. End of June.
My previous statement about god hating me seems...oddly appropriate now. I'm tired. Last day with my Chinese medicine doctor before he moves to the States, dumping a massive amount of money into an ATM and waiting for the approval of my travel agent to make sure they got it, and to top it all off, life throws me another curve ball.
Look, people, I'm not subtle. I don't like the kinda crap where you say something and people are supposed to know you're insulting another person or making some commentary about life or whatever. So, I'm not gonna go into big details and for god's sake, don't think I'm hinting at anything. If I had a beef with someone, I'd keep it between us, as is cordial and decent. Right now, I'm just emotionally very tired and very worn out. I don't think I'm a bad person and GOOD GOD did it take me a long time to think that.
I grew up believing that the world hated me, except for my family who are wonderful, and that I needed to strike out against it and stand alone and blah blah blah...now, I understand that humans are not islands, my bridge story should make that clear. I'm not a perfect person by any means, but I'm trying...I try and I learn and I keep on going. I'm glad that I've got a better self image of my self because it means I'm growing and I WILL survive these kinds of rough situations. But it's not easy. More than anything here in China, I've had to learn to stand by myself, emotionally, physically, and mentally and it's been hard.
I will survive this trial, though it hurts me a great deal. I've survived worse. Sigh...I'm just tired for now because I don't have anyone to talk to about this. And I won't do it here. I don't gossip, I don't dish the dirt, I don't want someone else to feel bad for doing what they had to, whether it was nice or not, whether it was right or not.
There. End of June.
Rough going. But from what I've heard of other Americans teaching English in China, your experiences, though not the same, were similar. I remember your FB posts and again, the spirals of worry and sometimes moments of insight. I notice that when you find something that catches your intellect, your emotions even out. Same thing happens for me.
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