April,
2017
I
feel that I need to give a disclaimer in regards to my next entries. If you
have read the previous entry on my vacation, you know about Within the
Wires. It’s been on my mind greatly and
I will be mentioning it in the forthcoming entries. If you have not heard it, do not worry. You don’t need to have listened to it to understand
the feelings I’m talking about. But I
need to talk about the feelings I have and that podcast is inextricably tied to
those feelings. The entries will be
closer together, because this is something that I need to feel…anything, I
suppose. And they may be dark or a bit
sad. That too is important. The world is not made up entirely of sunshine
or roses, or for me snowstorms and rain, as that is something that makes me happy. It is not made up entirely of the friends you
have. Nor is it entirely the friends you
left behind. See me for everything. This is not just Japan, it is my
journey. And so far, it is quite
difficult. Do not worry. That I am
writing means I endure and I carry on.
But see me. Please. See me.
April
1, 2017
Feelings
of loneliness and inevitability intensified.
The one thing I’m most surprised about in Japan so far is the difficulty
with connecting the internet. My boss told me it’d be an ordeal, however I’ve
heard tell of a week or longer before my home is connected. I got a chance to talk with my best friend
this morning, so…I guess that’ll have to hold me. I’ve let everyone know it could be a while,
but it doesn’t help with feeling lonely.
The idea that being in Japan alone should cheer me is brought forth by
people I love, but that’s not enough, in my opinion. You need sustenance for the soul. In my case, family, friends, and connections
to my online media.
The
apartment is bigger than I thought it would be in unusual ways. It still has the hallway kitchen, but I managed
to inherit some hand me downs, like a microwave and toaster, as well as a
decent little sofa. Chances are if I
don’t stay, someone else will inherit a TV from me, but we’ll have to see,
right now, I’m more concerned with my immediate situation. Anyway, my main room has a vaulted ceiling
and decent space for right now. It’s
about the same size as my apartment from China, but in different ways. That one had more space horizontally, but
this one has a loft, so there’s more space vertically. Another part of inheriting things is that I
have a decent amount to throw out, so…yeah.
Still not sure what I’m going to do about washing and drying clothes
yet. I have a washer, but drying…I dunno.
Temperature
and space are weird here. The main room
of my home is separated from the outside door and the bathroom, which means
they will almost always be colder than my main room, leading to it being
difficult to get a good uniform temperature.
Also, this makes it feel like I am strangely disconnected from other
areas in my home.
Internet
aside, my boss was really helpful, as I was provided with far more assistance
than I expected, way more than in China as well. He bought me lunch and helped me get some
necessary house goods, like my comforter and mattress for sleeping on,
thankfully I had an old one as well so I got an even cushier bed, and a few
other details(the school paid for these, which wasn’t necessary, but was
nice). I admit that jetlag is still
kicking my butt, so emotional instability might be coming from that, but I
admit to being scared of being separated from my world for so long. More on that later. I tried to do a bit of unpacking at first,
but basically crashed after setting up my bed.
I really needed the rest. I then
headed out to see the school at 6pm.
The
best way to describe the school is quaint.
It’s like its own house. The
classrooms are small and low tech, but honestly, I feel this might be a nice
homey experience for me as a teacher.
I’m still a bit hazy on some details of the lessons ahead, but I figure
all will be revealed in time. I got to
send a message to family and friends, which alleviated some of my worries, but
still…this is going to take a lot of adjustments. On the way home I got dinner from a
convenience store. Only in Japan could
you walk into a convenience store and walk out with microwaveable Doria
Gratin. Good stuff. Also, restocked my drink supplies. I had to make an impromptu trip back there,
sadly, to replace batteries in my AC remote which…looked so old they’d
calcified…the hell?! I managed to get
some more unpacking done, but I feel super drained, so I’ll probably call it an
early night once I get my alarm clock set up.
Before
I sign off, let me go back to what I said last time about Within the Wires. Minor spoilers ahead, but my current
situation has me thinking more and more about the two characters, Aletta and
Hester. They talk a lot about freedom. What does freedom really mean? For me, it’s always been the ability to move
via the digital highway. This means to
experience stories through games, as well as books and tv, but recently, it’s
also meant being connected to my own little place. Where my family is and where my shows and
interests are. Where my friends can
reach me and vice versa. And being
denied that freedom makes me…scared. Or
perhaps hesitant. I know this will pass,
just as it did for Aletta and Hester, but the time in between may be painful,
scary, and full of unpleasant surprises. I’ve been thinking about Aletta,
Hester, and the story Within the Wires a great deal lately, especially since my
parting words with my best friend. I
miss her even more now(hoping for a chance to see her again, but I don’t know
when. Again, just like Hester and
Aletta…yeah, that podcast really, really got to me). If I had been told I’d have to give up this
connection entirely, then I wouldn’t have made this trip. However, it is only temporary. So, I wait and entertain myself as best I
can. I’m trying to make this place my
home. Unpacking aside, small touches
aside, it still doesn’t feel that way yet.
I miss people. I don’t want to be
eternally close to everyone like someone dear to me once said…but I do want to
be connected. A bridge of digital data,
for old fans of my blog who know my opinion on bridges. Ah, well…we’ll see what
tomorrow brings.
April
2, 2017
Sleep
has proven odd here. I had my first
night in my apartment and the road is close.
I could hear cars through the walls and windows. They are not as thick
as I would like. I slept for about 5
hours, then awoke. I felt I should start
my day, but I knew I needed more rest, so I hugged my lamb and waited. When my alarm finally went off, I went to
Sendai for an errand for school. I feel
that though I got a bit lost, I have enough of my bearings now to not get lost
when I try to head out to Sendai or to get food again. I had the scarf my mother gave me to keep my
neck warm, however I should also mention that living here means I need to be
used to sweat, but a different kind of sweat.
In North Carolina, I had to be used to sweat from working hard outside
or just the extreme temperature swings, but it is cold in Sendai. Yet we must wear warm clothes which makes
someone like me, an American without the rigidly well-defined sweat systems of
the Japanese, I am being serious they don’t sweat they glisten, more prone to
sweating when I leave the house.
I passed a lot of places
on the strip leading up to the train station, including a wifi café I may make
use of in the coming week to see my family and try to get an internet fix,
depending on how long my bosses think it will take to set up. After that, I
made my way to Sendai. I perused a store
called Loft because I needed a watch for class.
I should have expected this, as I needed one in China as well, but I
didn’t think to bring one. So, I
purchased one that suited my needs and some post cards that I plan to send to
my family. I want them to remember my
absences, as well as my very being. The
cards are a bit sad but dreamlike and definitely reminiscent of me. I bought a few house goods and had tonkatsu,
cabbage, and rice for lunch, with a crepe afterwards. I love crepes. Japanese crepes are so wonderful. Sadly, my head was in other places during
these travels, which I will get to later. I should mention food wise that I need far
less here. I’m not sure if this is jet
lag or if my body is adjusting or what, but I’ve often been able to get by with
just one meal and a few drinks. I don’t
even have a desire for more, most of the time.
I am not sure this is normal. My
body has been going through several changes since I’ve arrived.
After
my trip was done, I headed back and I have to say I’m a bit saddened that
Sendai is not as modern in the train department as other areas. The trains run on schedule, certainly, but
that can mean only 2 per hour, which…is a problem when you are either in a
hurry or sad and just want to be home, such as it is. I did make my way home. I tried to stop at Natori station because I
heard they had wifi, but didn’t get any wifi readings on my American phone, so
no go. I followed the strip back to my
home and here we are. I’ve thought a lot
about what these entries mean to me.
They help me verbalize my feelings when I might otherwise just end up
crying without knowing why. I know that
can make others worry, but this is why I had the disclaimer at the
beginning. I want to be seen for who I
am. I want you to see the good and the
bad, of both the country and of my own heart.
I want to be known.
To
end, I re-listened to the finale of Within the Wires. It strikes me as important because Aletta and
Hester may not be together…yet…but they do have someone special. I have many people I care for, but no one
that I can travel with. Share my entire
life with. I do not have anyone to
love. I do not include yet, because I do
not know if it will happen. I have taken
what solace I can in my comfort objects.
My lamb and Cthulhu pillow have been a great comfort, as have the videos
on my computer, but they can only do so much.
I wanted to take my closest friend with me. Or I wanted to find someone to love. And here I have been thinking about if I
choose to return home. Sendai, for all
its flaws, suits me in many ways. At
least, I think it does from what I have experienced. It is terribly lonely, but the weather suits
me. The food suits me. The environment, public transport, and
walking suit me. I am dreaming of if I
go home. I can go traveling with my
elderly friend. Have dinner with the
family. See my dearest friend again and
play DnD with my other companions.
Perhaps I can get some help from my dearest friend to go and find love,
since my last attempts have fallen through.
But the environment of North Carolina does not suit me. The weather is bad. The food is…its own thing, I suppose. I would
miss walking and riding the train. And I
would not know where to work or what to do.
It was so much easier getting work here in Japan than it has been
stateside. Would I ever want to go back
to the job searches, the false leads, and the stress? The lack of sleep, the doubt, and being fat
with little chance of slimming down? The
answer is no, by the way. Hester is journeying to find Aletta…she does not know
if she will be waiting, but I believe in my heart she will. They both love one another, I think. Hester has someone to journey towards. I don’t yet.
No one to love. I think that is
what weighs heaviest on me. Not just the
separation or the jet lag making my emotions run wild, but that loneliness
making this all the more…real. What I
want is someone, not a friend or family, to put their arms around me and tell
me they cannot live without me. And I
will know I feel the same. And we will
have an anchor to keep us steady as we wade through the river of time. It’s
strange what old dreams come when you are alone…and when the world is cut off
to you. I miss the freedom the internet
provided because it was, if nothing else, a good distraction. I miss so many
people right now. I know I will carry on
because I have promises to keep and a distant light in the form of the
internet, my family and friends, etc.
But it is hard in the here and now.
I know I will carry on, but day to day, sometimes I wonder…how?
April
2, 2017 Part 2
I
feel it is necessary to separate these two parts of my story because the
feelings expressed above are still very relevant, however since they clash so
much with what is about to come and I didn’t want to end the day with those as
my main thoughts, let’s talk.
I
recorded my previous thoughts after my trip to Sendai, but I had to meet with
my bosses later in the evening. I
thought it would be a short business like meeting, but instead I was treated
like family. They took me out to a meal
and took me to a mall, where I got to find some American soda, takoyaki,
taikyaki, and some electronics I was thinking about purchasing, as well as
visiting a number of crazy and fun shops.
It was a stark contrast to my previous feelings of loneliness, as they
made me feel welcome. It does highlight
how difficult it is to do this alone and how big a difference being with others
can make, however. Their little girl was
a ball of energy and very cute. I don’t
want to be a father yet, but it gives me a good feeling about dealing with
children for my job.
This
is worth mentioning separately because I found an old spark of that love I had
for Japan and this kind of life when I was younger. There are still problems in my life,
especially without internet, however I got a glimpse of what life could be and
how well things could work out. It
was…encouraging at a time when I desperately needed it. It still seems like my internet is going to
be an issue, but work will keep me busy.
Hopefully I can find time to talk with my family and do some personal
writing in the coming days.
There. At least now you can’t say I end all my days
with depressing thoughts.
April
3, 2017
When
I woke up, it felt a bit more like home, but still…not, exactly. I’m still adjusting to this place and to not
having internet. It’s still lonely and I
think a lot about my best friend and my god mother. I never would have guessed that this long
trek, without internet and without my friends around me, would be what pushed
me the hardest. And it is pushing me
hard.
Regardless,
I’m trying to regain control of everything.
It was only for an hour, but I did some writing for my book today, which
was good. Not sure if the writing itself
is good, but it felt good just sitting in my zone and trying to put ideas to
paper(word document, whatever). I plan
to get lunch around 11, as I started writing at 9, and I’ll get a shave and a
shower before I head off to work for the first time. It’s exciting and scary, but at least work
will keep me from thinking about loneliness so much. When I get internet again, I think I’ll start
looking for love once more. Regular
social situations are a bit weird for me.
I’m not the kind of guy who can just go clubbing and meet someone to fall
in love with for the rest of my life.
I’ll try OKcupid again, see if it works in Japan, and also, I’ll talk
with my best friend for some advice. I
want to find someone to share all this with. These hopes, dreams, and
fears. But that’s far off in the
future. I’ll update more when I get home
from work.
Back
from my first day of work. Definitely
looser and more flexible than what I’m used to.
A part of me worries about this because there’s going to be lots of
repetition and training in ways that I am not as familiar with, but I’ve
adapted quickly enough. The kids are
very cute, even when they’re shy and while that shyness can be an issue, the
workload seems…generally lighter than what I’ve had to deal with in the
past. Probably for the best, since the
heaters are going nonstop due to the Sendai cold. I’m not a huge fan of the heat, but it’s near
necessary to have the kerosene heaters running for the sake of the
students. It still makes me
uncomfortable, but with the longest of my classes only being 45 minutes to an
hour, it’s manageable. I still have much
to learn, but I’m getting there. Need to
try and add more variance to my voice, as I speak in a very proper faction,
almost like a recording.
Unfortunately,
bad news keeps pouring in on the gaijin moving to Japan front. I was told my residence card would be issued
at a later date. However, I need my
residence card to get my bank card. And
I need my bank card and information to get my internet. Oh, god, why have you forsaken me. Taking steps to be in contact with my family
and hoping to phone them tomorrow and send out some online emails on Wednesday
from an internet café. Tomorrow is going
to be an early day as we work towards getting my residence card and more
information for me to live. Christ,
sorting trash is going to be a nightmare for me.
I’ve
said it before, I’ll say it again, for a country so modern, it feels positively
archaic at times, what with the BS I’m going through to get internet set
up. There’s going to be more surprises
before long though, I can almost guarantee.
It’s difficult to set up my own space when I don’t have the internet for
things like checking with my family or getting extra details on things. I know you can switch a Japanese PS4 to
English, but, for example, without a net connection for videos or how to…it’s
worrying and preventing me from really wanting to buy one. Ugh. I
won’t have regularity for a while yet and that is really something I need. The job is something I can handle, at
least. So…there’s that. I also have a bike now. It really does trivialize things like
walking. I probably got home in ¼ the
time it took me to walk to the school.
April
4, 2017
I
finally got to hear my parents’ voices again.
I went to the school early because I had a lot of errands to run today
and was able to talk to them for about twenty minutes. While I’m still down, lonely, and as my mom
put it, in survival mode, it was heartening.
Today was mostly entirely spent in work mode. Before normal hours, we went to the city hall
to get my welcome package, which finally told me how to sort my trash…here’s a
hint, it’s crazy, and get my residence card rolling, since I need that for
everything here. On the way back to the
school, my boss and I stopped at a foreign goods store, a Maruya, and I was
able to pick up some comfort items like Dr. Pepper and some peanuts. We also bought cheap bentos on the way home
which despite being cheap, were very good.
I had tempura and rice, which was great for only about 3-4 dollars
American. I had very little downtime
today, as after all that, I had to get a quick shower at home and rush off to
work. Thankfully, the load was light
today. Still getting used to the
occasional blank stares from students…or whole classes if they really want
their hands held, but it’s mostly pretty fun and enjoyable. The days go by pretty fast and I haven’t had
much to complain about save for the near constant heat and smell of the
kerosene heaters. Well, it’s a price I
have to pay. Unfortunately, when I got
home and started sorting my trash, I found several glass bottles shoved in recycling…which
is a no no here…which still had grape jelly in them. Really…I mean…really?! So, I cleaned them and soon I hope to finish
sorting my trash and be done with this, get started fresh. Still got to get rid of the excess cardboard
my predecessor left, but…whatever.
Heading out to an internet café to send messages to family and
friends. Also going to get some
groceries and probably ramen on the way home because I am in Japan and dammit,
I deserve ramen.
Still
thinking about love, about my best friend and god mother, and about Aletta and
Hester from Within the Wires(It and Alice isn’t Dead are DAMNED good
podcasts…made me more emotional than almost anything in years. Please, listen,
support them, GIVE THEM MONEY!!!) It
comes and goes, mostly in my small private moments when I don’t have a video
playing or my mind occupied with other things, like not crashing my bike. It’s good to feel. I just wish I didn’t feel so lonely right
now. Work is great and I like the
neighborhood, but…being told I may have to wait till May(see what I did there?)
for internet is still very discouraging.
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